Only Friends

Over summer break, I met Dan - and learned just how charged a platonic relationship can be.

Dan and I started off as only friends. By that, I mean he was my only friend. This summer, while on break from college, I worked and lived in Newport, about two hours from home and two hours from familiarity. Even though was still in Red Sox Nation, I didn't know anyone when arrived in Rhode Island. So made the effort and reached out to Dan, the only other co-worker of similar age and living situation. He was on his own, and he didn't know anyone, just like me.

You could say that our friendship developed by default. After all, spending time together was the only refuge from solo living for both of us. But, really, Dan and I chose to be friends.

The context of Newport was remarkably different from the context of college life. In college, you usually live on a floor with dozens of other students. You are on your own, meaning that you leave home, but you have a built-in network of people your own age with similar aspirations, people also on their own and looking to find a group of friends. You're living in the college bubble.

But in Newport, my parents dropped me off at an empty apartment in a residential neighborhood. No campus security guards here.

About two weeks into my time in Newport, I realized that if Dan hadn't been around, I would have been alone. Maybe at college it doesn't matter if you have only one best friend, because you can rely on your whole social group for entertainment, emotional support, and companionship. But I had only one channel for all of my social energy. I needed Dan. And because of this, Dan's announcement that his family was coming for the week was troubling; I was equally jealous when Dan met someone in Newport who went to his university. Dan would tell me about his plans to hang out with his family or his new friend but would rarely invite me. His other social engagements meant that I would have to bike to the beach on my own or go to the movies alone. Luckily for me, both his family's stay and his other friendship were brief.

Exclusivity can quickly lead to dependence. And dependence leads to anxiety, leads to jealousy, leads to possessiveness . . .

Exclusivity? Jealousy? Finally, we arrive at something that sounds romantic. But, even so, our relationship remained largely platonic. And I think this lack of romance explains the one true defining characteristic of my exclusive and platonic relationship with Dan: vulnerability.

It's logical to assume that a romantic relationship is more vulnerable than any platonic one. But in my situation, even though I was reliant on Dan's friendship, I couldn't exert any control over him, as a girlfriend likely would be able to. I couldn't act too much as if I needed him; after all, we were just friends. I felt all the tangible devotion of a romantic relationship, but none of the security.

Even though my friendship with Dan had some negative ramifications, it was still a strong and healthy connection between two people. Yes, I was vulnerable, but so was he. And through this sense of codependence, we developed a deeper understanding of each other. We weren't afraid to discuss religion or politics or to cook dinner together or make trips to Home Depot. We agreed that the summer just would not have been the same without each other.

Now that we're back at our respective schools, Dan and I still talk on the phone. Our shared summer experience may have been what brought us together, but its absence won't pull us apart.

It's hard to imagine my rapport with Dan if I had had other best friends while we were in Newport. Would I have allowed myself to become so comfortable with him one-on-one? Would I have been able to get a clear idea of his sensibilities? Would we have been less frequent customers of Ma's Donuts (a regretful thought, indeed)? It certainly would have been different if we had met at school, surrounded by a hall full of students - if Dan hadn't been my only friend.

Emma Morgenstern is from Westford and is a junior at the University of Pennsylvania. Send comments to coupling@globe.com.

STORY IDEAS Send yours to coupling@globe.com. Please note: We do not respond to ideas we will not pursue.