The Broadcasting Parents
Can speakerphones be banned? Plus not-so-great great danes and not-so-kind charities.
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Whenever I call my parents, they put me on speakerphone. They do this so that my dad, who has hearing loss, will be able to hear the conversation. Problem is, I think I'm speaking to one person and having a nice, one-on-one conversation when another chimes in. I've voiced my desire not to be on speaker, but they ignore my wishes. I never know who is listening in - they'll even do this when guests are visiting. My complaint is falling on deaf ears!
S.G. in Carlisle
Um, yes, it is, because your father has hearing loss. They're not doing the speakerphone thing to annoy you; they're doing it so you and your father can communicate. People with disabilities get to decide for themselves what kinds of workarounds are the best for them. If speakerphone is the way your father chooses to handle his disability, then honor it. It's not really that serious an inconvenience. Since you know they put you on speakerphone, you can't really keep being surprised every time one of them "chimes in." Get in the habit of asking when you call who else is there, so you don't wind up spilling secrets to the next-door neighbor or a visiting Jehovah's Witness. If you want to have a private chat with either of them, ask for a time when you can call when they'll be home alone. Or use e-mail.
My neighbors have a Great Dane they walk on a retractable leash with a prong collar. The dog has on numerous occasions barked, growled, and lunged at me and my dog. This morning, I had to cross to the other side of the street as she lunged and dragged her owner off the sidewalk. I recognize the owners (who insist she is a lovely dog) but do not know their names. There is only so much I can do to avoid the dog in terms of changing my walk schedules and routes; what do you suggest?
L.A. in Lexington
Wouldn't it be nice if you could take the Great Dane out for tea and biscuits and have a good heart-to-heart? "Look," you would say, "I don't want you to feel bad about this, because no one ever told you before. So I'm not blaming you. But this lunging thing? It's not winning you any friends. If you cultivate a more laid-back attitude, everyone will want to hang out with you. As it is, you're trying too hard, and desperation is never attractive." But such is not to be.
Since you can't avoid the dog, nor can you reason with her, I fear you must talk to the owners. Obviously, they are well-meaning but hardly dog-literate - using a retractable leash with a prong collar is like wearing a lumbar support belt with stiletto heels. So stop by, introduce yourself, and have a gentle conversation. They'll be more amenable to your message if you frame it in terms of their dog's welfare. They don't see their "lovely" dog as a danger, and it would probably be hard to persuade them to. Point out that while you, of course, recognize that the dog is merely enthusiastic (I know, I know, but they might not listen to you otherwise), other people - and dogs - might misread her intentions. And dog lover that you are, you'd hate for her to get bitten by another dog, or pepper-sprayed by a nervous jogger. Do a little research on good dog trainers in your area, and be ready to present them with some names.
If this kind of direct approach makes you feel faint, it might be time for the anonymous note. If you go this route, however, tone is key. Make sure you have the note thoroughly checked for passive-aggressive tendencies by someone outside the situation. (
How can I handle solicitations from charities over the phone? I give to charities but want to do so in my own way. The callers make you feel vulnerable, saying things like "Can you find it in your heart?" I have also been asked "Why not?" when I decline. Some charities want you to mail out envelopes with your name to neighbors, which I have done, but I find it puts my neighbors on the spot.
T.R. in Topsfield
If you can't find it in your heart to give, you need to find it in your spine to be able to say, "Please put me on your do-not-call list" and hang up the phone. Telemarketers are intruders, regardless of the virtue of their cause. Should their message strike some chord of interest or desire in you, then pursue the conversation, but if it does not, you are under no obligation to continue a conversation with them. You don't owe them an explanation, just a polite, firm "No, thank you," followed by a click. And you certainly don't owe them access to your neighbors. The people whom you actually know and have relationships with, in the flesh, have a greater claim on your loyalty and support than strangers calling during the dinner hour, don't you think?
My Word!
October is Sarcastic Awareness Month, which I'm sure you're all just fascinated to learn. Are you sarcastic? Then make sure you're good at it. Don't waste sarcasm on people who don't enjoy it; it's mean to them and frustrating for you. And remember, e-mail is the worst medium yet for sarcasm - even if you hate those smiley faces, it's wisest to use them if there's any possibility that someone might take what you wrote at face value.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
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