Black Tie Bummer

What's required at formal events? Plus "tranny" terms, table manners, and golf gripes.

Every so often I receive an invitation to an event that specifies "black tie." But I have no interest in renting nor inclination to rent, let alone buy, a tuxedo. Must I decline the invite - which may be from a close friend or family member whose wedding I'd enjoy attending - or is there some other strategy I can pursue?
T.M. in Jamaica Plain

If it's a friend's wedding, then a dark business suit is a perfectly acceptable substitute for a tuxedo, and probably what most of the other men will be wearing, too. (I've never understood why rented pants are thought to enhance the dignity of an occasion, anyway.) If it's some sort of state function - an inaugural ball, say; I don't know what kind of circles you run in - then either rent the formalwear or decline.

I am a cisgendered woman with a transgendered friend. She says the word "tranny" when referring to other transgendered people. Should I, not being transgendered, stick to the term "transgendered person," or is it OK for me to say "tranny"? The latter term is far easier to say and write than the former, but I do not wish to be offensive.
J.B. in Washington, D.C.

Your instinct is right. "Tranny," like "queer" or "chick" or any number of other words I can think of that would give my editor a heart attack if I wrote them, is an in-group term. Which doesn't mean it could never be used appropriately in the context of a friendship, because all kinds of things can be said in a friendship, when both people involved have the same crude sense of humor mixed with deep understanding of each other's basic sympathy. But that doesn't sound like the situation you're in. If you find "transgendered person" is a bit polysyllabic for a casual conversation, "transman," "transwoman," and "transpeople" or "transfolk" are all acceptable. (Use "transman" or "transwoman" according to the gender the person chose, not the one he or she was born as; for example, a male-to-female transsexual is a transwoman.)

Now for the vocabulary word you've introduced, which I'm sure will be new to many readers! "Cisgendered" (pronounced with a soft "c") is a term for people whose biological sex matches up with their personal gender identity. (Sex is biological; gender is psychological and social - in other words, sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears.) "Cis" is Latin for "on the same side," so cisgendered people are those whose biological sex and socialpsychological gender are on the same side, and transgendered people are those for whom they are not.

I'm lucky enough to be married to one of the greatest guys ever and we're in the process of raising three sons who we hope will be civilized. Unfortunately, my husband and I are at a crossroads: Is it proper to use a piece of bread to soak up sauce on your plate? I was raised that it was a no-no. My husband says he's seen it all his life in very refined places. Please weigh in - fine manners are waiting in the wings, and I've got some apologizing to do if I'm wrong.
C.O. in Holliston

One can see all sorts of astonishing things in very refined places, if one is a keen observer; Truman Capote made a living out of it. Sauce-sopping can be done properly, but this requires spearing a piece of bread with a fork rather than holding it in your hand. Isn't that just a wonderfully pointless and random rule? Neither way, of course, is more hygienic or aesthetic than the other. (If anything, I think the proper forking method is a bit silly, as it makes you look like you're pushing a wee janitor's broom around your plate.) But traditions must be upheld - and isn't it nice that this fork directive allows both you and your husband to be right?

Over the last two weeks I have treated a friend at the golf course three times. On not one occasion have I received a thank you or even a lousy offer to buy me a beer. As a result, I was a no-show at a tournament we were to play in and I haven't accepted his phone calls. What's your thought on the matter?
J.S. in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

My thought is that your friend is being inconsiderate and you are being passive-aggressive and immature. If you're offended by someone, don't just blow him or her off. This is not going to give him or her the clues needed to figure out what is upsetting you. ("But that should be obvious!" you sputter. Well, if it were obvious to your friend that he should have thanked you or bought you a lousy beer, he'd have done it, wouldn't he?)

Sports lovers often like to point out the character-building effects of athletics, extolling the virtues of healthy competition, honesty, confidence, and humility. So live up to that noble tradition: Call your friend and apologize for bailing on the tourney and not returning his calls. Tell him that you were upset that he didn't seem to appreciate your treating him to golf, but that you shouldn't have handled it the way you did. Then shake hands and make up like good sports.

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My Word!

A reader who wishes to remain anonymous writes: "Never, never, but never ask a woman if she is pregnant. If she says `Yes,' you have just forced her into a more intimate relationship than she wanted with you, and if she says `No,' you have told her that she is looking fat these days. Neither is a good conversation opener." Advice we all know, but a mistake many folks still make - and didn't the writer sum it up elegantly?

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.