The Cat, the Couch, the Conflict

When a renter's feline wreaks havoc, plus incarcerated fathers and recycled jewelry.

My roommate has left for a few months and found a subletter -- who has a cat. As soon as they moved in two months ago, her cat began to destroy my couch. The first time he scratched the couch, I shooed him away and told the subletter what he was doing. She will shoo him off herself but has never commented on the extensive damage he has done. Maybe I should have raised the issue when it first happened, but I assumed she would say something. Did I miss my chance for compensation because I didn't warn her that she would have to pay for the destruction of my couch?

A.B. in Brighton

Of course not; it's generally considered a given that if one person (or an agent thereof, such as a cat) damages, advertently or no, the property of another, then the first person makes restitution. The cat owner may be hoping that you don't mention the shredded couch, or she may genuinely not have noticed the damage -- owners of destructive pets usually cultivate a bit of oblivion. Let her know what you expect, don't be wishy-washy about it, and tell her far enough in advance that you can get the money while she's still in the house. Your chances of getting it will decline drastically once she's gone. Obviously, a talk with your roommate is in order, too -- the roomie ought to know of any conflict going on, and you should also agree together that the apartment is open, in the future, to human tenants only.

My father is going to prison in a few months and he'll be in for a few years. I don't know anyone else who has a family member who's been incarcerated, and it's painful and embarrassing to talk about. When people ask how my parents are, or the like, what would be a good response that isn't a lie? I don't want to have to field questions about what he is in for or hear crude comments about his safety and rumors about prison life.

F.P. in Plymouth

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, F.P. What an awkward and painful situation for you. In plenty of cases, an adequate answer to "So how are your folks?" is "Fine, and yours?" A polite, rhetorical non-question can be responded to with a polite, rhetorical non-answer.

If it's someone who knows your parents or who is likely to find out about your father's situation, be as straightforward and minimal as you can, and be clear that you don't intend to discuss the situation further. "Unfortunately, my father is in prison. My mother and I get to see him [however often], and he seems to be doing well. But this is a very private matter and I'm sure you understand that I don't want to answer any questions about it." If people persist, repeat that this is something you don't want to talk about. And if anyone -- anyone -- makes tasteless jokes or crude comments, give them an incredulous look, and say, "What on earth makes you think this is something I would want to hear?" And then just shut up and stare at him or her until he or she dissolves into the carpet. Don't you even think about making a move to pick up that burden of embarrassment. It's his or hers to carry.

There are some people whom you might want to talk to, though -- a support group for prisoners' families. There must be one in your area, or perhaps you can find one online or through an attorney or social worker who was involved in your father's case. These are people who will know what you're going through and can provide perspective and remind you that you're not the only one.

During my first marriage, I was given some jewelry, which I don't wear anymore for obvious reasons. I am in a new relationship and am planning on proposing to my girlfriend soon. I was thinking of resetting some of the stones for an engagement ring for her. Is this too strange -- or too cheap? It seems like a waste for the jewelry not to be used and silly to sell it for less than its original purchase price, only to go and spend the money on new jewelry.

anonymous in Boston

You've sold me on your idea, but I'm not your girlfriend, so you'd best ask her how she would feel about it. To me, the fact that you're not giving her the actual jewelry -- which is clearly associated with your first marriage or you wouldn't mind wearing it yourself -- but stripping it for parts, as it were, would make a difference. But then again, I'm not your girlfriend. So talk to her. She might think it's perfectly practical and reasonable and might even enjoy the creative process of helping to design her own ring. Or she might find it skeevy. I doubt she'd be offended or angry at you just for asking. If she's not comfortable, of course, don't push the issue. Everyone has his or her irrational, superstitious side, and spouses should honor their partners' quirks.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.

QUESTIONS? Write to missconduct@globe.com or The Boston Globe Magazine/Miss Conduct, PO Box 55819, Boston, MA 02205-5819.