Presents Making you Tense?

Gift advice for those who give and those who receive.

I have an amazing aunt who travels the world and routinely sends me gifts and sometimes checks. I always send a thank you card, but what is the proper way to thank her for money? I was taught it's rude to mention money, so I usually thank her for the tangible items and don't mention the check, but I'm not sure if that's what I ought to be doing.

E.B. in Somerville

Yes, by all means thank her for the money. You're overgeneralizing the "Polite people don't talk about money" rule. For one thing, it's no longer as true as it once was in all sorts of contexts. (Nowadays, many people talk about their salaries, investments, mortgages with friends -- as long as both parties are comfortable, that's perfectly all right.) And even in the old days, it didn't mean don't discuss money ever, a rule that could make meeting with one's financial planner an exercise in awkward silences.

You needn't mention the exact amount, but let your aunt know what her gift enabled you to do: "I put your check toward a new winter coat, and now I can afford the one I really want instead of having to settle," or "My best friend Alex and I went out for movies and a drink on your generosity," or "I renewed my subscription to National Geographic so I can learn about some of the exotic places you go to." The worry that people have when they give money as a gift is that it will be frittered away as a sort of slush fund and not really used as a present, so this is what you want to focus on in your thanks.

My husband and I were invited to a dinner party and brought a gift made by an artist we know. When the hostess opened the gift, we realized that it was not aligned with her personal taste or her decor. Is there any polite way for us and the hostess to exchange the gift for another? We love that piece of art and would hate for it to never be used or displayed. However, we don't want to create an awkward situation.

B.H. in Wellesley

You'd be creating a far more awkward situation if the hostess felt that she needed to display the artwork every time you came over, with both of you maintaining the pretense that it did not clash with its surroundings. So give her a call and say something like "You know, the minute you unwrapped that Rossetti-inspired stained-glass parrot, I realized how very much it wouldn't go with your primitive-antiques living room! Guess that's what I get for trying to be the Art Psychic. Anyway, unless you have a friend whom you'd like to give it to, why don't you give Pre-Raphaelite Polly back to me and I'll exchange her for something more to your taste?" (You'll want to give her a face-saving out in case she's already regifted the art.) Be lighthearted and unembarrassed about it, and you'll both probably wind up having a good laugh and advancing your burgeoning friendship even more.

My family was recently dropped from the guest list of the wedding of one of my sibling's children. I was informed that one of the reasons we were being dropped was because we were insufficiently generous at the wedding of another sibling three years ago. (The retail value of the gift from our family was $85 then.) It's probably obvious to you there are lots of other issues involved here, but I would like your thoughts, please, on the appropriate amount one should be shelling out for wedding gifts nowadays. What's considered sufficiently generous and what's considered crassly cheap?

V.D. in Weymouth

You are sufficiently generous, and your sibling's child is crassly cheap.

I work in a small shop. As the cold weather approaches, what is the proper etiquette for offering a client tissues? If we immediately whip out a box of Kleenex, is that not the same as saying "Stop sniffling and blow your nose"? But if we don't offer one and the customer doesn't ask, what then?

J.C. in Boston

As a cold- and allergy-prone person myself, I feel empowered to speak for the snifflers. The gift of a much-needed tissue -- from a shop clerk or a colleague or a stranger on the subway -- isn't taken as a criticism but as a blessed relief. That said, there are people who can get offended by even the most harmless actions, and certainly these days one can't afford to alienate even the crotchetiest of customers. So rather than make an overt offer, how about taking a tip from a therapist's office and put a box of tissues out where it is clearly visible and meant for the public? Make sure there is also a place to dispose of the tissues and perhaps a bottle of antibacterial hand cleanser. I think most people, as cold and flu season approaches, would consider this to be generous and excellent customer service.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.