Attack of the Horrible Houseguests

How to get friends and relatives to chip in, plus keeping family history private and saying no to invitations.

My husband and I own a vacation home. We love to entertain family and friends but have found some of them to be horrible houseguests. It has caused some serious disagreements between my husband and me. What is reasonable for a houseguest to contribute to a weekend get-together? I don't want a gift but also can't afford to continuously feed four to six extra people every weekend. The cleaning and laundry also become a bit much. Please advise!

K.M. in Boston

Now that summer's well in the past and the temperature has cooled both figuratively and literally, have some talks with your husband. Explain to him that your unhappiness doesn't mean you don't like the friends and relatives who visit or that you're impugning their characters. (If some of them are his family and friends, he might be feeling defensive on that score.) Rather, it's that what for them is a vacation house for you has become a work house.

Do the math beforehand so you can tell your husband exactly how much the extra food is costing. (If he's not bothered by the amount and you are, you need to have some larger discussions about finances.) Explain, also, the amount of time the laundry and cleaning take, and how that cuts into what should be your vacation time as well. Ask him to help you come up with a solution, and have a few ideas of your own ready. If he remains unwilling to acknowledge your feelings, table the discussion for a while. When you return to it, state your boundaries clearly and calmly. You'll clean the house X number of times a month and that's it. If he wants it cleaner for visitors, he can do it himself. You're going to let people know, when they make plans, they should stop by the local grocery on the way in and bring what they need for breakfast and lunch. Or whatever. And then stick to your guns, both in your actions and in refusing to argue about the issue anymore. (Discuss it more, if necessary, but don't get drawn into an argument.)

I grew up in a brutal, difficult, troubled home. When asked about my family, I have always stated my parents passed away during my childhood. I have a co-worker whose hobby is genealogy and who recently investigated the details of my family history (without my approval) and divulged them to other co-workers. I am now being lectured about "telling lies." I believe my family history is my own, and I do not believe the details belong in a work environment. What should I do?

L.N. in Columbia, Maryland

You can't undo your co-workers' knowledge, but you're right: This is not an appropriate topic for the workplace. It doesn't sound as though you should handle the situation alone anymore. Talk to your human resources representative or your manager about what is going on. Ask for help in creating a message to disseminate to your co-workers ("I had compelling reasons for saying what I did. In a work environment, where it's not relevant, I want my background to be a private matter" should do) and for support in getting your message out there and muscle to end the office speculation. HR and management may or may not choose to discipline the employee who outed you. (If he were my subordinate, I'd come down on him like a tropical monsoon, but that's me.) They should, however, be able to help you keep your private life private.

Many times invitations overlap with travel plans, volunteer activities, or events with family and friends -- is it polite and sufficient to respond, "Thanks, but we are unable to join you"? I always feel the need to explain why. Also, how do you get someone to stop inviting you?

J.D. in Swampscott

There's really no way to ask a person politely never to invite you to anything again; it's basically telling them you don't want to be friends, which is hurtful even if true. If it's a particular type of event that you don't care for, you might say something like "I love getting together with you for TGIF drinks after work, but I'm afraid my foot-eye coordination will never allow me to join your Sunday soccer group. I appreciate the thought, but I think you can leave me off the list." But why have a big relationship, or lack-of-relationship, talk when you could just reply "No, thank you"?

Which is all you need to reply. "Thanks, but I'm afraid I/we can't make it" is all that you need to say when declining an invitation, except in the case of very close family or friends. It's best, as a general rule, not to get in the habit of giving more casual friends or colleagues a specific reason, as they might come to expect it -- and someday your conflict might not be travel or volunteer activities, but a colonoscopy or court date that you'd really rather not talk about.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.