Clearing the Air on Smelly Pets
What to do when a dog needs care, plus regifting gift cards and accidental intrusions.
I'm dating someone whose dog has a terrible odor and incontinence. Should I be honest about why I don't want to be in this person's home and car, and why I prefer the dog not come to visit? I think my friend's olfactory abilities must truly be impaired. I wonder if there is a way to medically manage the poor animal's incontinence and odor. Hygiene is certainly a personal thing, but could I address this politely and constructively?
L.M. in Atlanta
Hygiene isn't a terribly personal thing if you're a dog. My Milo positively delights in washing his most private places in the most public way. If you intend to carry on a relationship with this poor stinking dog's owner, I think you have to say something sooner or later. (Though questions do blossom in my mind. Has your paramour not noticed that all dates not in your place or somewhere public end very, very quickly? Or that you occasionally slip and slide across the kitchen floor?) I'd vote for "sooner," myself.
"I know this is awkward," you start off. "You know I love Smelly McBarks, but I think she has a medical problem. You probably don't notice it because you're around her a lot of the time, but she has a very strong smell -- much worse than most dogs. And her incontinence problem might be something that can be cleared up. Would you think about having her looked at by a vet?" If you can get the problem solved that way, there's no need to bring your own assaulted nasal passages into the equation. If the vet can't find anything wrong, then you need to take a stand as to exactly how much of Smelly McBarks's company you're willing to tolerate. Since you would have already alerted your friend to the problem, it won't come as a surprise when you draw a few lines. If your friend is unwilling to take the dog to the vet, make another attempt in a week -- and if that, too, is rebuffed, you may want to rethink the relationship. A person who is unwilling to put out a little effort to ensure a sweetheart's comfort and a pet's health isn't a good bet.
We exchange Christmas presents with my cousin and her husband, but because we are not familiar with one another's tastes, sizes, and needs, I have started sending them gift cards for one of their favorite restaurants. My cousin mentioned last year that she and her husband had taken their adult child to dinner as their birthday present to him and used my gift card. I was a bit offended, as she regifted my Christmas present into a birthday present. Am I being too sensitive? Should I say something to her? I plan to give a restaurant gift card again this year.
N.J. in Lexington
You shouldn't say anything except "Merry Christmas!" when you give her the card. When you give a couple a restaurant gift card that will afford more than dinner for two, most people will take that as an opportunity to invite friends or family to celebrate with them. It's part of the generosity, and a lovely part it is -- not so much regifting as spreading the joy.
Would it have bothered you as much if they had taken their child out, courtesy of your gift card, if it weren't the child's birthday? You might be able to let go of some discomfort with that. As a practicing adult child myself, I can vouchsafe that we're tricky to get face time with. We are very busy, and birthdays may be one of the few annual traditions that ensures everyone gets to see one another (albeit sometimes weeks or months after the actual date).
After dropping off our kids at school, some parents I knew were lingering outside the door chatting. I smiled and joined them. It became evident after a few moments that one mom was telling the other parents about her recent breast cancer diagnosis. I suddenly felt like an awkward and rude intruder and could not imagine how to extract myself from the group. What should I have done?
S.L. in Tewksbury
That is awkward, and the best thing you could have done would have been to acknowledge the awkwardness. You didn't commit any faux pas by joining the group, so there was no reason for you to feel guilty or rude. (I would have, too, but there would have been no reason to.) The main thing to keep in mind when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation is to be brave enough not to let your discomfort keep you from doing the right thing. In this case, the right thing would have been to have interrupted the group and say, "I'm so sorry. I thought this was a casual conversation," offer the woman with the diagnosis a few words of sympathy, and leave. Most people's first instinct would be to sneak off and pretend they hadn't heard anything, but that would look uncaring or cowardly, as you can't really fool people into thinking you weren't there.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. 