Let It Ring, Let It Ring

When to ignore your phone, plus divulging a medical condition and an office turf war.

I recently got a call from a friend whose husband was having a medical emergency and who needed me to baby-sit while she took him to the hospital. I'd been entertaining friends, including one who lives out of state. My guests were just leaving -- but what if the call had come earlier? Obviously, when someone calls in an emergency situation, I don't ask, "Gee, have you tried calling anyone else?" Is there any situation in which you can leave your guests without appearing rude or as though you've chosen one friend over another?

D.G. in Billerica

This isn't really a question of emergencies versus entertainment or valuing one friend over another. It's much simpler than that: When you are physically present with one person or group of people, there is no need to answer the phone or take e-mails. In fact, it's rude to do so, unless you're expecting a particular call: "I'm sorry about this, but I need to answer the phone if it rings, because my mother is getting some medical test results back today and she promised she'd call," or ". . . in case it's Jason's baby sitter," or some such. If a phone call had come in while you were entertaining friends, then you would have let the voice mail take it, and thus no dilemma would have presented itself.

As a friend of mine once put it, "A ringing telephone is not a whistling teakettle"; that is, there is no imperative to respond to it immediately. Modern communication technology gives us the illusion of 24-hour accessibility, but it doesn't put us under obligation to make that illusion come to life -- quite the opposite, in fact.

I have two serious health issues that are not immediately evident. If I casually mention either of them, people react in two ways: with all kinds of advice about what I should be doing, or else with "I've got something worse" one-upmanship. As a result, I no longer mention these problems. Now I find some of my friends are annoyed with me for being slow or unable to help with moving, lifting, etc. I can't seem to get it right. Should I bring up my health concerns when circumstances necessitate or just skip it to avoid unasked-for medical advice and lengthy ramblings about how (comparatively) lucky I am?

M.D. in Providence

I'm sorry for the frustration you are so understandably feeling. I think people mean to be nice to you by trying to offer useful information and similar disclosures about themselves. Kind yet clueless: They know not what they do, or at least they know not how annoyingly they do it. As much as possible, then, be regally kind and take control of the situation.

Tell people about your medical issues only when your health requires them to do something for you (like lift a box) or without you (exclude you from the touch football team). You are in control of your information; it's your condition. You don't owe people your entire medical history just because you're asking them to help you haul some groceries. Consider adding something like "I know you mean to be helpful, but I'm up to date on the latest research about my condition, and I don't wish to discuss it further."

Remember, also, that you are not the only person who has to solve these social problems. There may be a nonprofit association or support group for people who have the same health issues as you, where you can learn more specific communication strategies tailored to the particular situations you face.

I work as a contractor in a local office supervised by another office in Washington, D.C. The head of the D.C. office once e-mailed me and directed that if I had any questions not to hesitate to contact her. But my supervisor in the local office has told me repeatedly not to contact D.C. with questions, but to ask her instead, even if I need to put the work on hold until I can get time with her. What is a good way to deal with this? Though I understand that some things may be better handled within the local office, I am not comfortable with the prohibition of contact with the D.C. office.

S.F. in Malden

Your supervisor sounds threatened -- maybe there's some kind of turf war going on, or maybe she's hoping to avoid one. Find a time to discuss if there's some way you can be in touch with D.C. when you feel you need to, without her feeling that you're going over her head. Be willing to accept some restrictions. Her instructions not to communicate with D.C. may be bad management, or a reasonable solution to a problem you don't know about. Either way, you'll do better if you frame the conversation not on what you "should" have access to as a matter of abstract principle. Instead, explain the kinds of situations in which you would want to contact D.C. ("Last week you'd given me a verbal OK on the McGuffin project but hadn't signed the paperwork -- I could have gotten D.C. to do that") and what happens when you can't ("So the project didn't get started until the following Monday, when you returned").

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.