Brother, Spare a Seat
Seven months pregnant and riding the T, plus gifts for adult children and simple weddings.
I'm nearing seven months pregnant, and I commute to work every day on the T. Although I am obviously "great with child," it's the rare rider who offers me a seat. While I'm fairly tough and strong, there have been days when I've been so uncomfortable on the train that I've had to sit in a stairwell to make it home. Leaving aside the issue of whether my fellow commuters should be offering me a seat, I'm wondering about your thoughts on the etiquette of my asking for one. J.L. / Boston
Of course you can ask for a seat! So can elderly people and those with visible or invisible disabilities. In the unlikely event that the person you ask doesn't give it up, someone nearby surely will, and will also glare chastisingly at the seat-keeper for the rest of his or her ride, which is satisfying.
My husband and I disagree on continuing to give monetary gifts and gift cards to adult children. We have a daughter who is turning 23, and one who is 21 now. I would like to send our 23-year-old a little cash for the fun of it, but my husband says, "Where do we draw the line? Just send her a card." I am wondering what the norm is on the cut-off age for putting a little something in the envelope for our children. S.M. / Chico, California
It varies by family; there is no norm. If I were asked to create one, I'd say that you give your kids the occasional financial boost until the day comes when it makes more sense for them to give the occasional boost to you. I must say I'm not terribly impressed with your husband's attitude. Who wouldn't like to give a gift to their kid? It seems a weird thing to be stingy about. But peace in the home is important; if you can't persuade him, don't let it become a huge power struggle or symbolic issue between you. Perhaps you can compromise by giving your daughters a gift out of your budget, if you have separate accounts.
Due to economic and family concerns, my fiance and I have decided not to have a religious ceremony or wedding reception, only a civil ceremony. How can I answer friends and relatives who ask about our wedding plans, without going into details I'd rather not, seeming judgmental about the lavish weddings some of them are planning, or making anyone feel offended or excluded? K.A. / Allston
First, take a deep breath. It's your wedding, and it's not a judgment on anyone else's, nor is it something that you owe to other people. Second, book a weekend in a nice bed-and-breakfast out of town. Having the wedding away is more romantic and makes it easier not to invite anyone. If you get married in town, there will still be people who will want to accompany you to the court clerk's office or expect some sort of local celebration. It's quite simple to get married in Vermont, for example; you're not required to have witnesses, and you can get married the same day you get the license. And Montpelier is probably just as lovely in the summer as it was in the snow-blanketed winter, seven years ago, when Mr. Improbable and I eloped up there.
Frame your plans as a positive, not a negative: "We've decided to just run off and do it!" Trust me, you'll be surprised at how positively people will respond to this, although some of the lavish-wedding-planning crowd may well get jealous of the fact that you're not hemorrhaging time and money like they are. Put photos online after your weekend away and send the link to all who care. The people who love you will be happy for you, and anyone who would get all fussed about your not having a traditional wedding would get all fussed about what kind of wedding you had, anyway.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
