An Employee's Lament
Are co-workers jealous of a short workweek? Plus party guests who ruin food plans.
I work four days a week, something that I (and a few others) negotiated, to the benefit of the company and myself. I often get comments on Thursday nights from co-workers along the lines of "You are so lucky you have Fridays off." This makes me feel as if I have to justify myself. I want to say, "Well, you are lucky you have an extra day's pay in your check." These comments always get under my skin, and I never feel I have the appropriate response. N.C. / West Roxbury
How about "I know. It works really well for me and for the company's bottom line"? Or perhaps a jokey "And yet I still end every Sunday night feeling like I didn't get enough done." There's nothing wrong with your co-workers' comments -- you are lucky to have a schedule that works for you, so what's the problem with acknowledging it? They're not implying that you are getting away with something. (If any of them are, you'll know by the tone of their voices. To anyone who seems to be truly resentful, you could respond, "I'd be even luckier if I got paid for it, but I couldn't talk the boss into that deal.")
Take your co-workers' statements at face value and don't read your own insecurities into them. All of us could probably reel off questions and comments that rub us the wrong way for reasons that only have to do with us, not the questioner. You've probably made innocent comments or asked commonplace questions that have triggered the insecurities of others, so how would you have liked those others to respond? In the spirit of harmless small talk in which they were meant, or with defensive snark?
When we throw big parties, I like to provide all the food and set it up before guests arrive -- especially if there is a theme. However, some people always seem to show up with unexpected food, for which I need to make room. I appreciate the thought, but it throws my arrangements off. I have thought about adding a note to the invitation saying, "We're all set on food, but please feel free to bring your favorite drink!" But that implies that everyone should have thought to bring something or that the party is BYOB. Do I need to simply accept that this will happen and deal with it? A.W. / Boston
Sounds like it. Some people are just inveterate food bringers: nurturing types; those who want to show off their cooking skills; those whose mothers drilled it into them that this is the essence of gracious guesthood. Because food is a personal thing, it can be awkward to ask such a person to desist; it's not quite like telling a friend you'd rather not read his poetry, but it's within an order of magnitude. You could attempt to cut down on the offerings by listing your menu in the invitation, thereby sending the subtle message that you've got it under control, or at least sending the overt message that the theme is Sushi & Sake Night, so don't bring spanakopita. And you can always confide in a close friend that you've got some control issues around party planning, so would she please indulge you. (Your desire is reasonable enough, but framing it as "Please work with my idiosyncrasies" is more likely to get compliance. Food bringers like to feel that they are helping.)
Any largish party is going to include a few folks who refuse to come empty-handed, though, and a clever host or hostess plans for this. Logically speaking, you cannot "always" have people who bring "unexpected food"; after the first time or two, you ought to learn to expect it. Make sure there's some clear space for the surprise offerings when you do your setup, and be grateful that the folks who don't like raw fish will have an alternative nibble on hand.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
