Bride Says Zip It
She's heard enough from inquiring minds, plus "mortifying" party invitations.
I'm getting married this fall. Why do people ask me a barrage of questions on a weekly, daily, and hourly basis about my plans for children, employment, living situation, and financial situation in addition to wedding theme, colors, catering, registering, dresses, and cake testing? Are people happy for me? Or are they nosy? A.R. / Worcester
This is a nice complement to all the letters I get from people complaining about first-time brides-to-be (and parents-, homeowners-, and book-authors-to-be) who manically relate every detail of their upcoming nuptials (births, properties, publications). Somewhere, perhaps, there is a person on the brink of a major life change who wants to talk only as much as others are interested in hearing, and whose friends and in-laws manage to ask only the questions that this person most wishes to discuss. Perhaps they all live in Grover's Corners.
The rest of us, however, have to manage a certain discrepancy between our interest in our own life events and other people's interest in same. At least your discrepancy goes in the nicest direction. You may be annoyed now, but you'd be much unhappier if people weren't asking you anything at all. You ask if people are "happy for me" or if they are "nosy" as though these were mutually exclusive alternatives. But of course they're not: Being nosy is generally how we express our happiness for others. And Susan in accounting doesn't know that you just had a huge fight with your maid of honor about the shower refreshments; all she knows is that you're getting married and probably want to talk about something, so she goes and sticks her foot in it by asking just the wrong question.
So take it easy on Susan, and all the Susans (don't treat the 10th person to ask you about the catering as though that one person had asked you 10 times) and on yourself. Spout off about your plans if you're inclined, and if you aren't, redirect your friends' and co-workers' enthusiasm with an equally enthusiastic "So happy you're interested, but I'm frankly tired of thinking about my own stuff all the time! What's going on in your life? Planning any vacation this summer?"
I'm organizing a 60th birthday party for my wife. She wants guests to donate to charity rather than bring gifts. So I wrote on the invitations, "In lieu of gifts, [wife's name] prefers that a donation be made to your favorite charity." My wife feels I should not have listed her as the source of this preference. But not to do so makes it look like I am the source. She says she is "mortified." Who is right? R.R. / Weymouth
Neither of you is on unimpeachable terrain. As a party planner, you should have run the invitations by your wife for her OK, especially if you know she is the editorially sensitive type. And your logic is faulty. Writing "In lieu of gifts, please donate to your favorite charity" would not have made guests assume you were making the decision. They would have realized that it was your wife's wishes that were being expressed, because it is her party. Which of course means that your wife is overreacting: You phrased the request exactly as your guests would understand it, an action hard to see as a grave faux pas.
You know who isn't worrying at all about this? Your guests. They probably couldn't tell you how the charity request was phrased if you asked them. They've already recycled the invitation, made their donation, picked out a bottle of wine to bring (because "no gifts" or no, they can't bring themselves to come empty-handed), and are looking forward to a good night out. So too should you be. Stop worrying, and plan to enjoy the party.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.
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