His Name Is Elmer?!
When grandparents-to-be hate the chosen baby names, plus movie theater and travel how-tos.
What are your thoughts about parents who feel only they have the right to name a new baby? We recently were told the name of our grandchild-to-be, and we aren't fans of either the male or female name. The parents said it is their child and it isn't our business. We've been supportive of them for many years -- not just financially, although we have provided a tremendous amount of monetary help, much more so than the other side of the family, whose input was part of the naming process. We are hurt and wondering what to do. M.R. / Bedford
I understand that you are hurt, but you need to step back from your own feelings and think about the parents of this soon-to-be grandchild of yours. They told you what they planned to name their baby, and you criticized them. How did you think that was going to go over? I can't imagine any parents reacting well to being told that someone -- let alone a parent or in-law -- is "not a fan" of the baby names they have chosen. Obviously, I don't know what the situation is with the other side of the family, but maybe their input was more positive.
You're not going to repair the relationship by acting the victims. Apologize for insulting the names that the parents-to-be chose and reinforce that whatever they name the kid, the important thing is that this is your new granddaughter or grandson, and you cannot wait to welcome him or her into the world. And in the future, if you want money to buy you the naming rights, sponsor a sports arena.
Say the woman seated next to you in the theater is ruining the movie for you by laughing continually and inappropriately (nobody else is laughing). Looking for other seats would be futile; the theater is packed. What exactly would you say to her? F.H. / Natick
I would say nothing, because I would be afraid that anyone manically giggling through, say, The Reader might be unhinged enough to spit in my popcorn, although I might venture a gentle "Excuse me, do you mind?" Telling an employee is often a solution, but in this situation would probably only lead to more disruption. Life is about trade-offs: You can watch rented movies on your own couch with real butter on your popcorn and the power to stop the film whenever you'd like, or you can get out of the house and enjoy the big screen and the feeling that you are actually Doing Something. Enjoying public performances occasionally means, unfortunately, dealing with the public.
How should I let faraway friends know that, when I'm visiting where they live, I would be delighted to socialize with them? Am I making an offer, or is it actually a request? And what is the etiquette if I am also seeking a place to stay for a few days? Can I come right out and ask? Do I wait to be offered? I've happily hosted numerous guests and am aware that everyone feels differently about how to host or be a guest. J.Q. / Cambridge
Of course you should let people know if you're going to be around! Entertaining far-flung visitors is the only thing that gets most people out of their routine and forces them to actually explore the cultural amenities or natural beauties of the place they live in. Just call or e-mail a couple of weeks before you'll be there and tell them, and ask if they'd like to get together for dinner or drinks or join you in one of your tourist activities. If you are hoping they'll offer you a place to stay, ask them if they know of a good, reasonably priced hotel or bed-and-breakfast -- a nice transparent hint that can be picked up or ignored just as nicely and transparently.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. E-mail her at missconduct@globe.com. 