Creepy Come-Ons
When customers profess love, plus skipping destination weddings
I work full time in retail, and one of my best customers has unrequited romantic feelings for me. He would occasionally bring me coffee and now gives me biweekly gifts of flowers, balloons, earrings, and so on. I have told him several times I have a boyfriend and his gifts make me uncomfortable, to which he responds that he just likes me as a friend. When I try to refuse the gifts, he appears hurt, so I've given up and accept them with a polite smile. I feel riddled with guilt. I hardly think that this counts as leading him on, but I can't exactly dump my best customer.
H.L. / Beverly
What a rotten position to be in. You are being harassed, morally if not legally. I'm sure your customer tells himself he's just being nice, but he's not -- if he were, he'd have stopped with the gifts when you said they made you uncomfortable. Nice people don't do things that make others uncomfortable. He's using his position as a valuable customer to cross a boundary.
And that's not your problem to deal with. You are not responsible for his behavior or his delusions. Drop the guilt like last week's TV Guide, honey, and go talk to your manager pronto. For one thing, your manager could institute a rule that salespeople are not allowed to accept gifts from customers. Wouldn't that be nice? Your manager might also be able to make sure that you're not on the floor when Mr. Giving You the Creeps comes around.
Your manager should also know, because sooner or later Mr. Creeps may well decide that you have been leading him on, what with your polite smiles and "Can I help you"s and a badge with your name right on it so that anyone could read it. People who imagine relationships where there are none can also imagine betrayal where there is none. Tip off the boss, so that he or she doesn't blame you if Mr. Creeps makes a scene or takes his custom elsewhere. (From your description, I'm assuming you're not the store manager or owner yourself. If you are, ditch the guilt,
My nephews and nieces are starting to marry, having opulent weddings around the country. We just found out there is going to be another one in New Orleans this September that would require me to pull my kids out of school for a couple of days. With the school year just under way, this isn't feasible. Any suggestions?
J.F. / Brookfield
For all the fashionable hate poured on destination weddings, the fact is that unless your entire family lives on Walton's Mountain, most weddings these days are going to be destination weddings for someone. It's the price of a mobile society. When travel is involved, wedding guests should make a reasonable effort to attend. The wedding couple, for their part, should make the reasonable assumption that not everyone will be able to come.
And especially, for heaven's sake, if the wedding is in September and the guests have children. Of course you can't pull them out of school that early in the year! (Miss Conduct officially disapproves commenting on a newlywed couple's childbearing plans, but I sure hope these folks have kids, so that someday they'll realize the position they put their child-having friends and family in.) Send your regrets, send a nice gift, and relax knowing that you've done all you can. Perhaps some member of the clan will be annoyed at you -- but I bet a few others will realize that, hey, you're being mighty sensible and maybe they should think twice before RSVP-ing, too.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Her new book is Miss Conduct's Mind Over Manners.
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