What's In Your Wallet? (You Don't Have To Say)

Times of stress and uncertainty (e.g., the present economic moment) make people retreat to their most ingrained behaviors. Not only is everyone's economic situation in flux these days, but there's also a good chance that the diversity of values and behaviors around money will polarize even further. Whatever else the future may hold, it certainly contains risk of socially awkward situations -- and the opportunity, desired or not, to learn new ways of talking about money.

This won't be easy. For humans, cooperation and competition are already in tension: We want to both get along and get ahead. (Much of etiquette in all societies is about resolving when and how cooperative values or competitive values will dominate or be expressed in a given situation.) This tension is particularly acute in the United States. More than half of adult Americans describe themselves as middle class, according to the Pew Research Center, and 91 percent describe themselves as middle, upper middle, or lower middle class. Being in the middle class is the American reassurance that we are on the same team. We want to see ourselves in the flattering glass of the middle class: a virtuous earner, neither victim nor vulture.

At the same time that we want to be "just folks," Americans want to be rich, as writers from Alexis de Tocqueville to David Brooks have observed. Money is a way of keeping score that a diverse nation of immigrants can agree on. Wealth denotes expertise, hard work, and intellect (among the secular) or God's favor (among believers in Calvinism/"prosperity gospel"). As emotionally and socially charged as money is, then, discussing it is a tricky matter.

Which is probably why, during much of the 20th century, the rule was simple: Don't. As Emily Post admonished decades ago, "A very well-bred man intensely dislikes the mention of money and never speaks of it (outside of business hours) if he can avoid it." Simple, but impossible when money (as well as sex) is incredibly interesting, and nearly everyone suspects they're not getting quite as much as everyone else.

Today, nice people do talk about money with their close friends, and as with sex, the talk can get quite graphic. This means having more general, customizable principles to guide your financial disclosures:

Communicate your own comfort level. When someone asks you a financial question you'd rather not answer, just say, "Oh, I don't discuss money." You're not judging them, you're just stating your own boundaries.

Listen for the question behind the question. Perhaps a nosy friend doesn't really mean to pry about you and your finances per se, but instead is wondering about a reasonable rent for an apartment in your neighborhood, or if you feel you're getting your money's worth out of your kid's college. If that is the case, recommend resources: "I don't like to talk about my own finances, but this is generally a pretty reasonable neighborhood, rent-wise -- I can send you the contact information for the rental agent I used, if you want."

Don't feel obliged to reciprocate information. You don't have to share information you'd rather not in return for hearing information you'd rather not have. Instead, ask a question that will take the numbers out of the conversation: "And do you also get good vacation time at the new job? Planning any trips?" or "It's a beautiful house. Have you met any of your new neighbors yet?"

You are on the Internet. Deal with it. Just as people everywhere can look up how much you paid for your house, they can also uncover your political campaign contributions and the average salaries for your profession. You don't have control over much of that information, and if information is out there for the getting, people will go out and get it. Do what you can to manage your online profile, and try to relax about that which you can't help.

Don't impose money talk on others . . . Mention your own information first, if you like to talk specifics. If the other person responds in vague hand wavings rather than hard numbers, then clearly he or she has different feelings about financial disclosure. Move the conversation from the quantitative to the qualitative, pronto.

. . . unless they are your children. Kids notice things. They notice if your car is a lot older, or newer, than the other ones on the block. They notice where other kids go on vacation over spring break. So it's only fair to explain the underlying reasons. Kids who grow up thinking money is taboo -- shameful, mysterious, and out of their control -- are less likely to manage their own money well and more likely to turn to their parents for help well into adulthood. So educate.

Don't let being poor(er) shame you out of entertaining. If you're not as well off as your friends, or your former self, have people over anyway. All anyone wants is to get out of the house and enjoy nice conversation and maybe some food cooked by someone else. If the only kinds of parties you can afford to throw are potlucks and BYOBs, throw potlucks and BYOBs. If everyone else in your circle can afford better, you've got novelty value on your side, which isn't an advantage to be discounted.

Realize that it's not just you. We are striving to cope with personal debt, national debt, crumbling infrastructure, and crumbling job security -- along with a constant message that it is both our right and our responsibility to shop, look good, feel good, and play hard. It's crazy-making, so be tolerant to yourself, too. Forgive your own occasional irrationalities and the times when they get to you.

Robin Abrahams writes the Globe Magazine's Miss Conduct column. E-mail her at missconduct@globe.com. From Miss Conduct's Mind Over Manners: Master the Slippery Rules of Modern Ethics and Etiquette, by Robin Abrahams, copyright © 2009 by Robin Abrahams. Published by arrangement with Times Books, an imprint of Henry Holt and Company. All rights reserved.