Laid Off, Lying Low

Avoidance tactics are a bad idea. Tell her that right now you need to stay away from the office to get your head on straight. Add that you don't hold her personally responsible for your layoff (or if you do, say whatever politic yet true statement you can make) and that you'll be in touch when you can.

Then do get in touch when you're over it, and try to get over it as quickly as you can. Your former boss and colleagues can be the best possible source of contacts, information, and references during this difficult time, and it sounds as though they are downright eager to provide this help to you. If you handle yourself with professional cool and personal warmth, you will fill them with admiration. That, plus the guilt that they are already feeling, is a potent emotional cocktail, exactly what you want to serve up to someone from whom you want a favor.

My cousin and I, both in our mid-20s, live in a house that my cousin owns. A few months ago, we needed a roommate, and my uncle suggested an employee at his lab. She is messy, borrows our things without asking, eats our food, and has guests over at inopportune times. She is socially awkward and takes several types of medication, and I don't think she realizes how burdensome she is. How can we make this living arrangement bearable for the next few months without embarrassing her? C.G. / Tampa Call a house meeting, sit down, and point out that when the new roommate came on, you all never really discussed house rules, and that should probably be done now. This isn't a Festivus-style Airing of Grievances, just a house meeting to talk about what can make living together better for all of you; encourage Ms. Third Wheel to talk about what's bothering or confusing her as well.

I understand and applaud your desire not to embarrass or shame your new roomie. Being straightforward and specific about which behaviors work and which ones don't is unlikely to do so. From your description -- the disorganized, inconsiderate behavior; the social awkwardness; the medications -- it sounds as though Ms. Third Wheel might have some sort of impairment in her social functioning. I have talked to a lot of people like this, both in my ordinary life and through my column, and the last thing they want is subtle hints and good-natured ribbing. They don't understand such modes of communication: That's part of the problem. What they want are clear, highly specific behavioral guidelines and respect for their own sometimes-idiosyncratic needs. Offer your roommate both, and I think you'll be surprised at how well she responds.

My friends and I were discussing how to tip a waiter or waitress. If we have a $5-off coupon, do we tip on the original or discounted bill? P.G. / Medford You tip on the original, non-discounted version of the bill, in a restaurant or anywhere. For example, if a furniture store is offering free delivery, you still tip the deliverers. The general rule when tipping is to tip on the most generous interpretation of the bill possible -- pre-discount, post-drinks, etc. The one exception is that you do tip on the pretax amount.

Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Her new book is Miss Conduct's Mind Over Manners.

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