Say Uncle

What a nephew's visit revealed to one dad.

By Jack Cheng  |  June 7, 2009

When my 10-year-old nephew came to visit Boston recently, my children loved having an older cousin to worship and I had a chance to learn about what my kids might be like in another four or five years. I also realized I needed to reassess my parenting style.

It's fun to be an uncle. I am calmer with my nephew than I am with my own kids, and I give him more room to express himself. On this visit, I was less interested in shaping him and more interested in learning about him. We stayed out late to see the Celtics play at the Garden. On the Freedom Trail, I plied him with historical stories while he kept a running count of how many Dunkin' Donuts we'd passed (seven in about 2 miles). When his new digital camera broke, I consoled him over his misfortune without being distracted by thoughts of warranties or replacement costs.

My kids have had this sort of interaction, of course, just never with me. My son still reminisces about his lunch with Auntie Lizzie. She bought him ice cream afterward without questioning whether he had eaten enough vegetables.

The recent visit made me wonder: Should I be more avuncular with my own kids? They deserve to have time like this, to express themselves without fear of an impromptu lecture about safety or school. Kids these days get plenty of "parenting." But maybe they need more "uncling," more hanging out and having fun with a loving adult -- one who doesn't feel ultimately responsible for them.

However, I don't think uncling is something I can give my own kids. It's not in my nature as a parent to achieve the benign detachment that good uncling requires. Even if I could do it, uncling my own kids could undermine my parental authority.

There are ways to provide uncling, though, even if our family is across the country. I'm thinking my wife and I could trade kids with friends some Saturday so we could all take a break from parenting and work a little more on uncling. It would be good for all of us.

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QUESTION OF THE WEEK

See the story at boston.com/magazine and comment:

Do you wish your kids could get more "uncling"?

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