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Pierced

Minus Two

Can the Gosselin kids trade in their parents?

By Charles P. Pierce
July 19, 2009
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Dear Eight: You’re the octet of unfortunates tragically indentured by genetics to Jon and Kate Gosselin, possibly the greediest and most self-involved reality TV stars in the short history of that cable gallery of grotesques. (For the benefit of new viewers, TLC moonlights as the Grotesquely Big Families Channel, just as it once moonlighted as the Grotesquely Big Human Beings Channel.) Now that your folks chose to go their separate ways -- separate networks? Separate endorsement deals? -- it’s important to realize that Mom and Dad are exceedingly large of ego and exceedingly numb of skull. For that matter, the same can be said for the nation for whom they chose to turn you all into a profitable ongoing train wreck. Rest assured, the only reason you’re all not named “Gravy Train” is probably that the dog food company wouldn’t come across with a check. Once you realize these things, you’ll probably be OK with the fact that you may be doomed to a season, after the hiatus, where Very Special Episodes include “Mommy Gives a Deposition!”; “Aunt Ad Litem Comes to Visit!”; and “Daddy Takes a Swing at the Judge!” There are a lot of people who are rooting for you and will understand when, one day, you get together for the big reunion show in 30 years and you decide to mark the happy occasion by unleashing a couple of nests of fire ants on the proceedings. We’ll all tune in for that one.

Charles P. Pierce / cpierce@globe.com

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