Play date predicament
When another mother expects day care on call, plus forced wedding congratulations.
My husband and I have always helped the single mother of our 10-year-old son’s best friend with child care. Recently, if we do not provide care when she wants, she refuses to allow her son to play with ours. And she won’t take our son for play dates at her house. As our son has few other friends, we feel obliged to kowtow to her. I want to scream at her, but my husband wants me to keep my mouth shut. I am hoping this woman will read this letter and see herself. Am I right that her behavior is detestable? K.S. / Lexington It certainly sounds as though your son’s friend’s mother is taking advantage of you. (I’m assuming that the situation is as you describe and she hasn’t simply hit a series of logistical potholes and become the needy, annoying friend we all have to be at times.) But you can’t control another person’s behavior -- especially when that behavior is getting the person what she wants, as it is in this case. She’s not going to read this, have an attack of conscience, and mend her ways. Really. Think for a moment about that one.
If you want to stop being used, you need to stop allowing yourself to be. The fact is, you aren’t obligated to indenture yourself on behalf of your son’s social life. I realize it would be nice for him to be able to continue this friendship, but he’s 10. Kids that age -- like all of us -- lose friends and make new ones as interests change and families relocate. If he can’t see his friend as much anymore, he’ll survive and make new friends. What are the alternatives? Do you really see this situation continuing throughout the years? Will you be blackmailed into helping her son with his college essays?
If she sees that you’re not willing to be taken advantage of, she might even give in and return to a more normal tit-for-tat child-minding situation. Which would be nice, as it would be good for her own son to spend time with adults who have both hearts and backbones.
What do you say to a colleague who is engaged to someone you dislike? “Sue” recently got engaged to a man I worked with and whose transfer for incompetence and unprofessional behavior I was indirectly responsible for. The dislike is mutual, and the man and I don’t acknowledge each other at the few meetings and social events we both attend throughout the year. Sue and I have always avoided the topic of this man. By now the news of her engagement is well known. I have been dodging Sue because I don’t know what to say. I can’t get the word “congratulations” to come out of my mouth. Any suggestions on how to best handle this? P.T. / Boston There’s little chance that Sue doesn’t know your history with her fiance, so I agree that a patently insincere “congratulations” would go off rather amiss. Just as you shouldn’t feel obligated to say something you don’t believe in, though, neither should
Sue feel forced to censor herself. Don’t do anything to make her feel self-conscious. If you and Sue find yourselves alone, you don’t have to bring up the subject.
If you two are with colleagues and the water-cooler chat turns to her wedding details, express as much of a friendly interest as other colleagues do. If others are offering her congratulations, you can add your best wishes and hopes that it will be a beautiful wedding. (You can say this without dishonesty, because even a terrible marriage can be launched by a beautiful wedding.)
Of course, in traditional etiquette, one does not congratulate brides but only grooms -- brides are given best wishes. Just think, if you were a more old-fashioned sort, your problem would disappear.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Her new book is Miss Conduct’s Mind Over Manners.
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