I am an open book about my emotions and have a hard time not dwelling on life and emotional circumstances. I have been trying very hard (at the request of my soon-to-be husband) to learn to be more relaxed, but I am having trouble finding the same release in staying silent that I have in voicing myself. Now, several devastating life events are testing my ability to “think what I want, but not say.” Do you have any advice on a method I can use for healthy emotional expression that doesn’t make others stressed? S.M. / Orleans
Don’t marry someone who doesn’t love you the way you are, S.M. That’s my first piece of advice.
I don’t know you. Maybe you are histrionic and inappropriate, and when you say “devastating life event” you mean that the dry cleaner couldn’t get the marinara off your favorite white pants. Maybe your brain doesn’t override your mouth when it should, or you need to work on communication skills.
But I’m not getting those vibes from your letter. So you’re an open book! What’s wrong with that? You “dwell on life and emotional circumstances.” Who doesn’t? You find more emotional release in expressing yourself than in staying silent? S.M., that is called sanity. That is called mental health. That is called being a normal human being. And you don’t say that you yourself are unhappy with who and how you are -- only that your fiance is. He doesn’t even want you to change for your happiness, but for his convenience.
A person who doesn’t want you to express yourself doesn’t love you.
Regular readers know that I very, very rarely make strong and sweeping statements like this; I’m the Queen of It-Dependsland. But you need a wake-up call, and if I’m the only one to give it to you, there it is. Postpone the wedding until you can work this out. Get counseling, or get out. You don’t want to be walking down the aisle thinking-but-not-saying that you’re making the biggest mistake of your life.
In my professional position, I am often asked to attend the religious ceremonies of faiths that are not my own. In some cases, I am probably as familiar with the rituals as the members of the faith. When I am in these settings, should I participate as if I am a member of the faith, so that I don’t seem aloof and disrespectful, or should I not participate, so that I don’t seem to be pretending to be something that I am not? I want to be respectful. D.H. / Newton
I have yet to read this book myself, but many people -- from etiquette consultants to clergy -- have recommended How to Be a Perfect Stranger: The Essential Religious Etiquette Handbook, edited by Stuart M. Matlins and Arthur J. Magida. It sounds like a book someone in your job could use.
Certainly, at religious services, there are things that everyone is supposed to do to show respect, and things that are only done by members. (For example, all men, not just Jewish ones, are expected to wear a yarmulke in a Conservative or Orthodox synagogue, but at many Christian churches, only observing Christians take Communion.) If Perfect Stranger isn’t a help, and there is no one you can ask beforehand, go with your instincts and don’t worry too much; people will assume good intent on your part even if you make a misstep. If you pay attention to the actual congregants, you’ll notice some folks sing and others just mouth the words, some kneel and some don’t, some bow their heads and some close their eyes. Among the usual variance, your own level of participation or non- is probably not that noticeable.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Her new book is Miss Conduct’s Mind Over Manners.
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