A question of race
How to respond to “What are you?” Plus dealing with an explosive mother.
I am of mixed race. Ever since I can remember, people have asked me questions like “What are you?” or “Are you this/that?” It started to irk me in high school. I don’t mind telling people about my mix when we’re on the subject of nationalities, but I find the random “What are you?” rude, especially since it tends to come from people I don’t know or barely know. I’m starting college this fall, and I know I’m going to get similar treatment. How can I best fend off these questions in the future? C.P. / Lowell Let people know, in calm and unemotional fashion, that what they have asked you is not a cool thing to ask. You can use pretty much those exact words: “You know, that’s actually not a cool thing to ask someone you just met.” You say this in a conversational tone, as though imparting a novel but useful fact: “Did you know that three people got a patent in 2007 for inventing a bra that could double as a gas mask in case of terrorist attacks? Well, two gas masks, actually.” Then change the subject so that the person has somewhere to go besides into an agony of self-consciousness. You could follow up, for example, with “How about ‘What’s your major?’ or ‘What music do you like?’ instead? Which in my case would be theoretical physics and the Jonas Brothers, respectively.” Accept any apologies casually and with the awareness that you’ve probably asked your share of uncool questions, too.
And that’s all you need to say. Don’t you apologize or be self-deprecating or let anyone bait you into an argument about political correctness. (There’s another line you can use pretty much verbatim in a conversation, too: “I’m not going to let you bait me into an argument.” Just in case it ever comes up.) You state your boundaries, pirouette, and give the other person a graceful escape route. This maneuver is a lifetime skill, and college is a terrific place to start practicing it.
I have been very close with my mother throughout my life. However, whenever our relationship hits a bump in the road (for example, I’ve said something that displeases or offends her), she gives me the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks. I cannot take this any longer. I feel as though I am always walking on eggshells around her, waiting for her to explode at something that I say. Is our relationship forever doomed? Please, please help me. M.O. / Boston I can’t help you. Nobody who is sitting in a coffee shop miles from where you are, thinking abstractly about your story as you’ve managed to condense it into a handful of sentences, could help you.
All that a person in that position could do is to suggest -- or urge or insist -- that you get help elsewhere. M.O., you say that you are close with your mother. This is not what a close relationship should feel like. On some level, I’m sure, you know that. This is why you wrote to me. On the other hand, I’m not sure you do know that. (Maybe that’s the real reason you wrote to me.)
Our parents have a fearsome power to make us believe that their version of reality is the way things are. If what you need to hear is a stranger say, “Hey, you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells all the time around someone you love -- it’s her, not you, really,” then consider it said.
Ultimately, though, you don’t need a one-off from an advice columnist. You need some longer-term coaching of your thoughts and feelings and actions. Find a therapist. You may or may not be able to influence your mother’s behavior, but you can at least get control over how you respond to it.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. She is the author of Miss Conduct’s Mind Over Manners. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com.
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