The meatball no-shows
When dinner plans are canceled at the last minute, plus how to silence car alarms.
Recently my husband and I invited neighbors over for dinner -- very informal, just spaghetti and meatballs. Fifteen minutes before dinner, the husband called and said that unexpected company had arrived about an hour earlier, and they felt compelled to stay home and get a pizza for their guests, who didn’t look to be leaving any time soon. My husband didn’t think it was a big deal since our plans were informal, but I am still aggravated. The couple has said nothing about the incident. Should I let it go as well (and obviously avoid extending any future invitations) or should I bring it up? K.E. / Malden There’s a basic principle of etiquette that you don’t break existing plans because new plans have come up -- but this is a principle, not a rule. It means “Don’t ditch your best buddy’s graduation from pastry school because the hottie in sales asked you out,” not “If you said you were going to T.G.I. Friday’s for drinks after work and you just found out your college roommate is in town for one night, too bad, you still have to go out for drinks after work because you said you would.” Partly, we honor social obligations on a first-come-first-served basis, but we also factor in the nature of the relationships and the occasion.
And your neighbors’ dilemma seems like choosing between two awfully close shades of gray: informal dinner with the neighbors or impromptu pizza with the drop-ins? Given the choice between being bad hosts and being bad guests, your neighbors took the latter option, and I find it hard to fault them for it. Whereas you seem to be seriously asking me whether you should scold them explicitly or simply cut them out of your social life with no explanation. Have you never been in an awkward position where you felt that you didn’t really have any good choices? Have you never committed some faux pas simply because a better way of handling things didn’t occur to you? If so, then by all means, cast the first meatball. If you yourself have occasionally put a foot wrong, though, I’d suggest a more forgiving attitude toward others.
We love living in the city and understand that street noise is a given. However, one car that is always parked in front of our apartment has an alarm that goes off at least three times a day. If a car is driven by fast -- it goes off. If a car playing loud music passes -- it goes off. And each time it goes off, it seems to run its full course and turn off automatically after a minute or so; there isn’t the typical “chirp” when someone manually turns off an alarm. What can we do? Leave a note on the windshield asking the car owners to turn down the sensitivity of the alarm? B.S. / Jamaica Plain See, this is where you’re making my job almost too easy: Usually, in the case of annoyingly noisy neighbors or officemates, I suggest framing your complaints as concern for the other person. (“I know you want privacy when you speak to your fertility specialist, and I’m afraid when you have her on speakerphone I can hear everything,” or “I’m just afraid the poor dog is terribly lonely,” that kind of thing.) But in your case, the concern needn’t be feigned. Your neighbors have got the car alarm that cried wolf. If anyone ever did try to steal their car, in the unlikely event that a neighbor happened to notice, said neighbor would probably offer assistance in order to rid the block of noise pollution.
So leave your neighbors a nice chirpy note explaining that their alarm is, like some overambitious intern, doing its job with more enthusiasm than competence. Unless they’re as hypersensitive as their car alarm, they’ll be glad you told them.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
