The most prestigious park on earth
What if Harvard keeps bungling its financial investments? The outcome is all too clear.
CAMBRIDGE, 2017
Can I have your attention, please? People! Everyone, please gather round in front of the John Harvard statue. My name is Jim, and I’ll be your tour guide today. I’d like to extend a big Crimson welcome to Harvard National Park! As you may know, the entire campus of what was once called the World’s Greatest University is the newest addition to the National Park Service system. The NPS, along with the United States Bankruptcy Court for the District of Massachusetts, administers the park for the enjoyment of the American people and for the repayment of outstanding debts as identified by the court during the university’s liquidation proceeding five years ago.
By now you know the story: What everyone thought was just a one-time $11 billion drop in the university’s endowment and a $1.8 billion decline in its cash reserves was just the tip of the iceberg. Soon after, much like the Titanic, Harvard found itself underwater.
I know several of you had questions about the $150 park admission charge, or, as we like to call it, “tuition.” I realize it seems steep, but remember, not only is it fully tax deductible -- so save those receipts -- your generosity is also helping to repay university creditors around the world at a rate of up to 8 cents on the dollar. So, thanks for that.
But enough of the legalese! Let’s get on with the tour. I trust you’ve spent some time in the Harvard National Park Welcome Center and seen the incredible 3-D movie The Most Prestigious Park on Earth! For those who haven’t been yet, it features a short history of the university from its founding in 1636 right up to the financial decisions that caused its dissolution in 2012. The basic message is “Kids, don’t gamble the milk money!”
Behind me is a statue of John Harvard, whose contribution of his personal library and half of his estate upon his death was the genesis for the college. (Jim flips a switch on the statue. It points a finger down at the crowd and utters a single word:)
“Veritas.”
If you don’t speak Latin, that means “over-extended.” Just kidding. It actually means “truth.” Old John here was our very first animatronic statue at the park, and the technology has improved greatly since. Don’t miss the Hall of Harvard Heavyweights in Sanders Theatre, featuring a musical revue and chorus line of animatronic famous former alumni and Harvard presidents, right up to the last one, Drew Gilpin Faust. I’m told her animatronic is as lifelike as the original.
Moving on through Harvard Yard, you’ll notice student, faculty, and support-staff reenactors who help replicate the hustle and bustle of the Yard as it was in its heyday. To ensure the park keeps a historically accurate undercurrent of socioeconomic tensions, we pay our faculty reenactors up to 100 times more than the others.
To the right, you’ll see the Widener and Houghton libraries, and past them the Fogg, Sackler, and Busch-Reisinger museums. The contents of all five were auctioned off on
The Houghton, once home to one of the most impressive rare-book collections in the world, is now the Houghton Hotel, Spa and Condos, a four-star property managed by Marriott. In keeping with Cambridge city zoning rules, a third of the condos are Section 8 housing, mostly occupied by Harvard Business School grads. Things have been tough for them since the HBS Old Boy network went to ground.
At this point, I’m going to let you explore this incredible national treasure on your own. You’ll find that the Northwest Science Building is now home to the local chapter of the National Organization for Women, and Harvard Stadium has been converted into the new Charlesview Apartment Complex. The entire HBS was leveled to make room for a new regional landfill. Make sure to visit the Harvard National Park Gift Shop and Water Slide in the Carpenter Center. And if you’re hungry, try
the Uptight Pilgrim Snack Bar in Memorial Hall. Although I’d take a pass on the coffee.
Freelance writer Kris Frieswick is a frequent contributor to the Globe Magazine. Send comments to magazine@globe.com. 
