Make ’em squirm
When genteel social combat is called for, plus throwing engagement parties years in advance.
Several years ago, my father had a stroke that left him in a motorized wheelchair, with impaired speech and vision. He lives at home and participates in social activities in and out of the home. Twice in the past year my mother has been invited to a function and my father has not been included on the invitation. This is rude and hurtful. My mother thinks she should call and ask if my father was not included as an oversight. But that’s probably not the case, and she’s then just making the inviter squirm. I think she should decline the invitation. What is the right way to respond? J.M. / Framingham You say “making the inviter squirm” as if that’s a bad thing. In my opinion, he or she bloody well ought to be made to squirm a bit. I’m so sorry you and your family have had such experiences.
As to what your mother should do -- declining without explanation is, of course, an option, and may be the least emotionally taxing one. But if your mother is up for a bit of genteel social combat, her idea isn’t a bad one. Often, you can best shame people -- as well as, paradoxically, give them a graceful way of saving face -- by assuming good intent. She could call the inviter and say, “I’m sure you mustn’t have realized, but my husband is capable of attending social events despite his disability.” Then just . . .pause. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t for a millisecond believe good intent is at work here -- even if people are under the mistaken impression that your father can’t socialize, he should still be invited and the decision left to him and your mother as to whether he should attend.
The inviter may then say, “Oh, I didn’t realize,” in which case accepting the lie graciously will establish your mother as a gentlewoman who is not to be messed with. Or he or she might explain that there is an accessibility issue, in which case your mother can decline, saying that she does not attend events that her husband cannot. Any other attempt at explanation can be answered with “I see. We will not be attending.” A married person’s first loyalty is to his or her spouse, and anyone who treats that spouse as less than fully human for whatever reason (disability, race, sexuality) is owed nothing but the coldest courtesy.
What are the rules of etiquette for an engagement party when the bride is expecting and will not be married for a couple of years? Should there even be an engagement party? If so, who would give it? And what kind of gifts would be appropriate? G.G. / Revere
Let’s keep the life-event celebrations at least roughly synched up with the life events, shall we? Having an engagement party “a couple of years” in advance of a wedding is an unwise idea for all sorts of reasons that will become evident with a moment’s reflection. And more to the point, a woman whose baby is imminent but whose wedding is not does not need an engagement party. She needs a baby shower, and pronto. These are traditionally organized by friends, although family can do so as well -- so if you’re in either category, get cracking, and if you’re the expectant fiancee herself, get hinting. (The gifts for a baby shower are, obviously, things that babies need. Experienced mothers are a good source of wisdom for first-timers on what baby gear is truly essential and what is a waste of money.)
When and if the wedding gets closer, then you can all start thinking about engagement parties and bridal showers and so on. A couple who have been living together for several years don’t usually go in for a big shower, because they have most of the household goods they need. And with a toddler running around, the bride-to-be will probably to be too exhausted for fanciful event preparations!
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
