The Bad News Bearers
How to halt those with a penchant for horror stories, plus Facebook privacy.
My partner and I plan to adopt. As we talk about it more lately, I am finding that many people follow their initial “Wow, that’s so great!” with some sort of adoption horror story. In many cases, these people are otherwise tactful, but there’s something about this particular topic that brings out the worst. Are expecting couples usually subjected to unwelcome tales of so-and-so’s sister’s friend’s delivery gone awry? It’s become such a common occurrence that I’ve become reluctant to talk about our plans. If I’m not overreacting, then how do I address this when it happens? M.P. / Quincy Oh, yes, pregnant women get the horror stories, too. To a lesser but still notable degree, so do people applying for graduate school, planning a trip to India, or looking into remodeling their kitchen. For some reason, it’s human nature when hearing another person’s plans to follow up what may be perfectly genuine expressions of joy, pride, and hope with grisly tales of horror. If only people had the courtesy to stick a flashlight under their chin when they were going to tell the scary stories, so those of us who didn’t want to hear them could go back to our tents.
At any rate, your emotions are quite reasonable -- but you don’t need to stop talking about your plans. Look at it this way: Once your adoption is successfully completed, you will start hearing the horror stories about the terrible 2s, and then about the preteen years, and then about when your kid starts driving, and so on. The cautionary tales will never end, so what are you going to do? Never talk about your child? When people start in with their tales of terror, simply interrupt them and in a gentle and humorous tone say: “Good grief, I don’t want to hear about that! We’re nervous enough as it is.” (If the story is clearly a personal and difficult one, take a more supportive -- but still authoritative -- tone: “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Can you tell me the entire story after we have our child, though? I’m sure you can understand how nervous we are, having been in our position yourself.”) Most people don’t even quite realize that they are playing Doomsday Prophet. If you gently call them out, they’ll probably shake themselves out of their Gothic trance quickly, be surprised at their own insensitivity, apologize, and turn the conversation to sunnier ground.
I’m a teenager, and a relative friended me on Facebook. I accepted, thinking she would only say hello once in a while. Instead, she sends me links to applications on Facebook every day and comments on things I write. I’m not very close to her, and I rarely see her. I feel as if I can’t delete or ignore her, since she just wants to be closer, but I also feel as if she’s intruding. How do I get this to stop? K.E. / Boston Ignore the applications. It is not rude to decline a virtual sparkling heart or
See, I’m 40, and I know this. If you’re a teenager and don’t, you need a tutorial in Facebook and privacy, stat. (Which is why I’m answering your question; as far as the relative goes, I’d bet anything she’s in that kid-with-a-new-toy phase and will quit in a month.) Find a reliable computer-geek friend or a non-hysterical adult -- i.e., someone who doesn’t flip a nutty at the very notion of teens on the Internet -- who can talk you through the basics of Facebook settings and Internet privacy in general.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
