A present danger
Why gifts shouldn’t be ignored, plus demanding-but-sweet siblings and the rules of invitations.
I recently received a present from a childhood friend. We had a parting of the ways as I moved to Boston and she stayed in the city where we grew up. Her son is in college in Boston, and I think if I politely follow up, she will then ask to meet here. I do not want to reconnect -- should I just ignore the present? E.H. / Marblehead Seriously -- no, really -- how did you think I was going to answer this? “Oh, yes, absolutely, ignore the gift. These people are like stray cats. If you feed them, you’re only going to encourage them, and then you’ll never get rid of them. Pretend you never got it, and if she calls you, answer the phone, ‘Hola!’ and keep repeating, ‘Lo siento, no hablo ingles’ until she hangs up”? Was this the advice or permission you were hoping for?
Because you’re not going to get it. For heaven’s sake, act like a civilized grown-up and write her a thank you note. She doesn’t even live here; she can hardly start stalking you. If she wants to get together during a trip to Boston, make an excuse if you have to. But, no, you don’t get excused from the basics of decent behavior on the grounds of “I don’t wanna.”
My partner of six years has a sister who repeatedly calls me (and others) “honey,” “darling,” “sweetie,” and “babe.” I don’t like it and am trying to find a nice way to ask her to stop this. It bears mentioning that this sister has been intrusive during our relationship; I see her terms of endearment as her way of getting what she wants while sounding “loving.” It feels manipulative. Do you have any ideas for ways I could kindly and tactfully tell her to stop using terms of endearment that are really words to get her way? K.S. / Kennebunk, Maine Her intrusive behavior “bears mentioning”? Sounds to me as if that’s the point of the letter. You’re focusing on her endearments, but those are the symptoms, not the disease. What you really need to do is set some boundaries -- real ones, not superficial language policing. Let her call you anything she wants, but don’t let her manipulate, intrude, weasel, cajole, outfox, or whatever it is she’s doing that truly bothers you. (Would her behavior actually be that much more acceptable to you if she addressed you by your first name?)
You’ll have to get your partner on your side for this one, which may mean an awkward conversation if he or she is used to giving way to the HoneySis. Talk to your partner about HoneySis’s behavior, with specific examples, and figure out some means of stopping her in her sugary tracks.
My wife and I got married late in life, and we like to celebrate our anniversary with friends. At the bottom of the invitations, I add “No gifts, please.” My wife thinks this is inappropriate. I think that, in a sense, the party is our gift to our friends. Our house is filled with stuff from our lives as single people, and another vase or etagere item would be a nuisance. Is it reasonable to write “No gifts, please” on our invitations? A.A. / Jamaica Plain You are right; it’s perfectly fine to do so, although perhaps a less commanding phrase might be good: “The only present we want is your presence” or some such. There are a few holdouts who believe that “no gifts, please” is rude because it makes the dreadful, selfish assumption that people wish to give one gifts in the first place. However, the consensus these days is that some version of “no gifts, please” is reasonable and useful. (And congratulations on the use of “etagere.” I’ve written about the “no gifts” issue before, but I could hardly resist publishing a question with “etagere” in it.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology.got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live every first and third Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
