Hat’s off
The etiquette of covering your head indoors, plus gifts that bounce back.
I have the medical condition trichotillomania (a compulsion to pull out your hair) that makes wearing a hat not merely beneficial but doctor-recommended. Usually it isn’t a problem, but sometimes, like at the movies or a restaurant, hat-wearing seems inappropriate and maybe even rude. I feel as if I should take off my baseball cap for the other filmgoers’ benefit, but that would make me more susceptible to my disorder. When I go to church I skip the hat, but that puts me in a psychologically dangerous place. When is it appropriate to wear my hat, and what do I say to people who offer to store it for me? A.J. / Amherst I’ve been working up a head of steam lately for a rant about how traditional etiquette assumes everyone is perfectly healthy in body and mind -- but this isn’t the place for it, A.J., because traditional etiquette, believe it or not, is on your side. A woman (which A.J. is, dear readers) can indeed wear a hat indoors if it is part of her outfit. Check out the stylish women coming out of Easter services today if you don’t believe me.
You are clearly beating up on yourself a lot, hon, and I want you to stop that. How on earth could a baseball cap impair the view of a person seated behind you in the movies? A giant sun hat such as Eliza Doolittle wore to the Ascot Opening Day, yes, but a baseball cap? And when people offer to take your hat, you can simply say, “Oh, no, I’m going to keep it on. Thanks.” They are not judging you; they are probably not even paying attention to your fashion choices.
But maybe you should pay attention to those choices a little more. If baseball caps are your style, then go ahead and rock them. But take a look at the variety and beauty of hats and head coverings out there -- slinky little berets, newsboy caps, cloches. You can search the Web for style blogs dedicated to Muslim women, Orthodox Jewish women, or women undergoing chemo. (You aren’t the only person who has to wear a hat indoors.) If you need to wear a hat to be healthy, do you think you could wear one that makes you feel just a little bit fabulous, too? Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way, it is that punishing yourself for being sick won’t get you well any faster.
When I gave a friend a CD as a present, I was surprised to have him hand it back to me and say, “Thanks, but I already have this.” By my reckoning, everything that followed the “thanks” should not have been said or done. My question for you is, do I have to get him a new CD or did I already do my duty by getting him a gift? B.M.H. / Boston Were you tempted to respond, “Well, here’s a big bag of manners, then, because you obviously don’t have any of those”? I would have been. But we wouldn’t say such things, B.M.H., because that is what having manners is all about. Yes, you did do your “duty” by getting him a CD, and you needn’t go finding him another. And instead of handing it back to you, he could have regifted it to someone who shares his musical taste.
Still, as someone who hates to waste time and money, I have to say that I’m a believer in giving gifts with receipts and letting the recipients know that if they already have the item in question, or it doesn’t fit, or whatever, they can return it with no hard feelings. (This is obviously only appropriate for books, CDs, a nice cardigan from J. Crew, or other mass-produced items -- not for a box of homemade cookies, your grandmother’s cameo brooch, or a piece of “wearable art” from a craft fair.) Because the really black-belt level of good manners is not even giving the other person a chance to be rude.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live this Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
