Waiting to inhale
What to do when a smelly smoker approaches, plus dealing with wealthier friends.
My question is how to escape politely from the gag-inducing smells that permeate the air around someone who’s been smoking. I have one co-worker who will come and stand in the door to my cubicle to have a conversation, literally trapping me inside a small space while polluting the air I am trying to breathe. Whether it is a co-worker, the guy on the next treadmill, or the lady who sits down next to me in a waiting room, how do I get away from this smell that is disgusting, gives me a headache, and makes me feel sick? Can one say something? A.K. / Worcester In the case of your co-worker, it would be perfectly fine to say, “I’m getting a whiff of cigarette smoke, and anyway I could use a break. Let’s go walk in the hallway and discuss your idea.” I’m not sure this will provide sufficient distance for you, but it will at least end the feeling of being trapped. In general situations, such as gyms and doctors’ waiting rooms (you do seem to be surrounded by smokers who otherwise take excellent care of their health), simply move. No explanation is necessary. I know it may feel awkward, but other people aren’t really watching you as closely as you think. Smelly Treadmill Guy will probably assume you’re cross-training, and Smelly Waiting-Room Lady will think you are contagious and being thoughtful of her.
If there’s nowhere you can move to, I’m afraid there’s not much else you can do. You want to know if you could say something, but you can hardly ask people to stop smelling, as there is no immediate way for them to oblige you. Unfortunately, for folks with sensitivities to many smells, from cigarettes to hair conditioner, mingling with the public is always a fraught activity.
I have a great friend, practically a sister, who married a man who does very, very well for himself. My husband does just fine but has nowhere near the income of hers. Whenever we go out, she insists on paying. Even if I tell her, “We’re going Dutch” or “I’m not eating!” she doesn’t listen. If we go shopping and I admire an item for my child but scoff at the price, she always asks, “Can I buy it for her then?” My husband says she’s “big-timing” me. I now basically avoid doing anything out with her and don’t invite her over, because I feel my house isn’t nearly as nice as hers and because of all this “big-timing.” How do I put an end to this? K.O. / Salem One way to put an end to it is to stop participating in it. I’m struck that you’ve apparently made ultimatums about going Dutch that you didn’t, presumably, enforce (such as by the simple mechanism of asking for separate checks before ordering), and have more than once commented on something that you would like for your child but can’t afford. These behaviors are clearly sending mixed messages to your friend. Just to shift your perspective a bit: Is it possible your friend could also write a letter to Miss Conduct, about being “guilted” by her friend for her financial good fortune? Perhaps she feels torn that if she does pick up the check, she’s patronizing you, but if she doesn’t, she’s disingenuously pretending a financial equality that doesn’t exist.
In other words, she’s in a difficult situation, too. Very, very rarely do I say to ignore one’s spouse, but ignore him on this one: She’s your sister from another mother, and you understand the relationship better than your husband. Call your friend, make an appointment for coffee, make it clear that it’s on you because you Need to Talk, and have the awkward, loving, accusing, embarrassing, angry, hilarious conversation that you need to have about your divergent financial situations.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live every this Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
