Mother, may I?
When a parent refuses to accept a child’s gift, plus undoing an RSVP.
Often, I will take my mother or both my parents out to dinner at my suggestion, be it for a birthday or anniversary or just because I’d like to treat my folks. When the bill comes, my mother will get all huffy and start shoving money in my purse, practically screaming, “No, let me get it!” Sometimes we talk about who paid hours and even days after the fact, with my mother insisting that I take some money toward the bill. She also does this if I host a dinner at my house. I am a single woman and make a comfortable salary. All I am trying to do is treat my parents to a nice dinner on occasion, and considering all that they’ve done for me, I would think they would at least let me. How do I make it stop? L.S. / Hingham
You don’t make it stop. Here’s what you do: You decide to be grown up enough to play the child and let mommy pick up the bill. Because it is obvious that your mother needs this, that somehow she still wants to provide for you, that letting you take her out to dinner is still, at this point in her life, a bridge too far.
If she were not letting go of the mother role in other aspects of your life, that would be different. If she were trying to run your life, or refusing to let you grow up in other ways, I might suggest putting your foot down. But she isn’t picking out your outfits for job interviews or telling you what time to be home after a date. She’s ready to accept you as an independent person. She’s simply not ready to accept herself as your dinner guest.
Which means you need to be the bigger person, and one of the trickiest and often most effective ways of being the bigger person is to let someone else feel like the bigger person. She’s your mother. Let her feed you. She takes more joy in doing so, you realize, because she knows you truly are able to take care of yourself. One day, your roles will start to reverse and you’ll become the adviser, the protector, the provider to your parents. Your mother may be a little wacky about restaurant bills, but she’s got the good sense not to be in a hurry for that day to come. Go along with her.
I was recently invited to a bonfire on a farm for 60 guests via Facebook. (It was bring your own lawn chair, beverage, and a dish to share.) The date was set more than two months in advance. I declined and posted a polite message. Shortly after, my schedule changed and I wanted to change my RSVP to yes, but the event administrator had removed me from the guest list. He now refuses to allow me to attend, stating, “Once you say no, you cannot change your mind.” This is his rule of etiquette. I would be grateful for your etiquette opinion, please. M.L. / Rochester, Minnesota
I’m afraid your friend is thinking of chess, wherein once one’s hand is removed from the piece there are no do-overs. What a delightfully laid-back host for a genial summer evening replete with bonfires and perhaps a bluegrass singalong! I hope someone remembers the lawn darts.
Generally, yes, one RSVPs promptly and then sticks to one’s word. But that depends, to a great extent, on the formality of the occasion and the lag time of the invite. You don’t call up the bride who’s getting married at the Ritz-Carlton the next day and tell her that you got someone to cover your shift and you can make it after all. But a 60-person party that is so shambolically freestyle as to be not merely potluck and BYOB but BYOLC – you ought to be able to get an RSVP mulligan on something like that.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live this Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
