Picky dinner guests
Must you cater to all your visitors' desires? Plus, answering jabs about your education.
Our extended family gets together several times a year. While we all enjoy these visits, food is beginning to be an issue. One preteen will only eat pizza; one adult can’t eat tomatoes; another is on a carb-free diet; and one child has nut allergies. Is it rude to say, “Here is the menu. If you would like something else, feel free to bring it”? My mother says it is, but I feel it’s unfair to ask the host to try to please all the picky eaters. (My mother and I are the only two who host, because of space concerns.) P.M. / Reading
It seems reasonable to start shifting family gatherings to potluck affairs. For one thing, even leaving aside the issue of menu planning, if your family is so very extended that only you and your mother have houses large enough to corral the entire clan, it doesn’t seem fair that you two should bear all the work and expense of feeding the family whenever an event rolls around. And you and your mother don’t have to agree. If she enjoys playing Alpha Hostess, she can continue to do it and to cater to everyone’s divergent food needs and desires.
For yourself, though, I think it might be appropriate to start asking folks to bring a dish (or wine, or paper plates, or what have you). I doubt your family will mind being asked to contribute, and some might even enjoy a chance to show off their culinary skills. The most important words in your letter are “we all enjoy these visits.” Do you know how lucky you are to have a family that finds pleasure in one another’s company, even if opinions are bitterly divided on tomatoes?
I’m enrolled in a law and business program, meaning I’ll graduate with both a JD and an MBA. Occasionally, someone’s reaction will be “Wow! You’re ambitious!” in a way that suggests I make him or her slightly nervous. I know this probably says more about the person than it does about me, but it also tends to be a conversation-killer. I’d love to say something along the lines of “I’m studying topics that interest me with the idea of getting a job I enjoy – and I hope you’re no less proactive in going after the things that make you happy,” but this seems excessively wordy. What would the best response be? E.W. / Philadelphia
Your instinct to avoid the word “proactive” in polite conversation until you have degrees in hand is a wise one. Right now, you’ve got a learner’s permit for jargon, and you should only use it on your way to or from class.
As noted, a comment about your ambition says more about the other person’s insecurities; what he or she is saying, for all intents and purposes, is “Sweet fancy Moses, you must despise me as an indolent worm.” So make it clear that you don’t, by joking around with the person or asking him or her a serious question. Cue up your evil laugh and say, “Mwah hah hah. Well, what degree program would you go into if you wanted to take over the world?” Or say, if the person seems philosophically inclined, “I hear that a lot. What does ambition mean to you? It’s such a loaded word.” Or explain the nature of your ambition: “The thing is, I want to do international business, and there’s really no degree program that would give me the skills that I need. Believe me, if I could get one degree, I would!” Or, given current events, you could legitimately point out: “Unlike a lot of MBAs, I’d like to ensure that my first experience of the legal system is as a student rather than a suspect.” One doesn’t bother to joke around or start a deep discussion with a despicable indolent worm, you see, so these responses will reassure your conversational partner, as well as provide somewhere for the conversation to go.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a Cambridge-based writer with a PhD in psychology. Got a question or comment? Write to missconduct@globe.com. BLOG Read more of Miss Conduct’s wit and wisdom at boston.com/missconduct. CHAT Get advice live this Wednesday, noon to 1 p.m., at boston.com. 
