... is online here. A sample:

The way we behave toward our partnered friends should allow them to feel comfortable enough to confide in us should they need to. This means not acting invested in a particular view of their relationships. Who wants to confess uncertainties or a sweetheart's failings to a friend who will crow in vindicated delight--or be distraught that her image of a perfect couple has been tarnished?

LW, I can't decide whether your classmate has become a psychopath or if you're just exaggerating and/or stereotyping here. Plenty of people have significant mental health issues that do not render them dangerous and/or disruptive to people around them. Are you making unfair assumptions about how someone with your classmate's mental health problem will behave? Or do you know for a fact this particular person has a history of bad behavior? The answers to those questions should guide you in your decision. 

And here's another thought: The invitee is on a leave of absence, but s/he hasn't actually left the program and may yet re-appear. If you think the situation you're in now is awkward, think how painful it will be for your classmate to learn that everyone in the class but him/her was invited to your wedding. 

Finally, your idea of not sending a formal invitation after having sent a save-the-date would create a mess! "Am I invited or not?, did it get lost in the mail? how many mutual friends should I ask to find out if I'm invited or not? should I just put the bride on the spot and ask her myself?" etc etc. 

If this will jeopardize your peace of mind on your wedding day, and if this classmate accepts, ask a diplomatic, physically strong friend or family member if they'd be willing to keep an eye out and quietly intervene in case of problems. Since the classmate in question will probably sit with the other classmates, explain the situation to one you're close to, and who will not behave differently as a result, and ask them to alert the designated bouncer if there are signs of a disruption. 

I can't tell you if it's okay to uninvite someone because she might act a little strange on your special day, but what I can tell you is that your day won't be perfect no matter who is or isn't there. Someone might drink too much or accidentally insult your best friend; your MIL may say something negative about the bridesmaids' dresses; the flowers might not be exactly as you ordered; the cake could be dry--anything could go wrong because life just isn't perfect. The happiest people I know are those who don't mind a little imperfect, crazy, or abnormal creeping into their lives, and the unhappiest are control freaks who worry about every little detail. 

Remember about a year ago, when I answered a question (the second one) from a 50-year-old woman whose aunt would pull and attempt to cut her hair? Look who I heard from:

I just wanted to send you an update. After seeing your column she made a promise that she would stop pulling my hair. And she has. It as been a full year, and when I bring my Mother down to visit her sister and her mother I can actually sit and visit with her. It helped that I brought my dog Byron down one day when I was dropping my Mom of and everyone fell in love with him.

Most importantly, I wanted to tell you that last Sunday when I went to Plymouth to pick up my Mom I actually took a deep breath and gave my aunt a hug, She gave me a peck on the cheek and hugged me back.

I should have written that letter about 20 years ago. Thanks!

Thank you for writing, J.D., and I'm glad that things worked out so well.

Back in November, I sent save the date cards for my wedding this July to the seven members of my graduate school cohort. I am closer to some of my classmates than I am to others, but I invited everyone because it is a small group and I did not want to exclude anyone. Since then, one of my classmates has experienced significant mental health problems and has taken a leave of absence from the program. I was not close to this student before this happened, and now, we have not spoken in several months. I do not want to be stigmatizing or insensitive, especially in light of the mental health issue, but I am wondering if it would be acceptable not to send this person a formal wedding invitation. I am mainly concerned about how this person might present at the wedding, including how this person might behave toward the other cohort members. What should I do?

... is online here. This is the one where I discuss the enraging tendency of some people to command strangers to "Smile!":

I'd advise against profanity or abuse, as this disfigures your own soul, and these men aren't worth it. Men who tell women to "smile" are unlikely to learn anything from what you say. This is cause for both despair and a certain freedom.

This is why I'd prefer to live near college kids instead of children. You can't yell "Shut the F up or I'm calling the cops!" at a little kid. 

Years ago I went to the town hall to complain about an aggressive dog that was always loose and the Town Clerk told me that almost all the complaints they got were about kids or dogs. The LW's problem is a very common one. The LW should make a trip to the town or city hall to find out about the regulations and how they are enforced and proceed from there. 

I think the approach of you *and your neighbors* must be to make it so annoying for the parents with the late-night parties to let their kids run around the neighborhood that they will stop. You need to act collectively, or one family will be "the bad guys," and may even invite retaliation. So, yes, find out what the noisy-party ordinances are, and the vandalism ordinances while you are at it, and then have a different family call the police every time. And THEN do all the "nice" things others have suggested, like hiring one of the kids to mow your lawn, or organizing a community something-or-other. 

I think you should kill them with a smile. I think when the kids are in your yard, come out smiling and tell them they need to be in their yard. If it is late, right at 10PM, ask them kindly to play inside. If the kids are out super-early, walk over to your neighbor, coffee in hand - and ask if the kids could stay inside until 9AM. Always be smiling and don't let them upset you and don't be snide.I think a few weeks of this - and it would be great if all the neighbors took turns doing this - they'll get the hint. 

Put up posters around your neighborhood stating that there has been an abundance of coyotes spotted in the neighborhood. Some parents might keep their kids inside around those dawn and dusk hours! 

Good morning, readers! Today's question is one I'm sure I'll be seeing more versions of as the weather keeps getting nicer. What do you think of this LW's problem? 

I am sure this has happened to many a neighborhood as families move in and out around you. We are faced with this problem, which by the way, we have talked to our abutters with no respect in return. On one side of us, the neighbors, with children entertain outside to well beyond 10 P.M. loudly. Kids run around screaming while "playing", running in front of our house, hitting cars with balls, setting of car alarms. On the other side of us the children are younger and their parents have them playing outside beginning about 7 A.M. Our house is only 15 feet away from the houses on both sides, and our one floor house has our bedroom in the front. 

While we have our own three children who are now grown, we can understand having play time outside it great. Our kids played outside with the neighborhood kids too. We and our neighbors collectively were respectful of the older neighbors whose children had grown up and they did not have kids playing outside all hours of the day. Our "outside" time to let the kids play was 9 A.M. to 10 P.M. Everyone respected those times and we brought our kids in and didn't let them loose in the neighborhood until 9. 

These "new" families don't seem to understand that their kids playing outside is disturbing to the rest of the neighbors, especially my husband and I since we are sandwiched between the two offenders. Four families in the neighborhood have talked to these parents but the disrespectfulness has continued. We are trying to keep the police out of the solution but that might be what we have to resort to. Do you have any other suggestions?

Well, do you? I'll post my response on Friday. And if you've got your own questions for Miss Conduct, send them in, or join me for a chat this Wednesday at noon, right here. 

... is online here. A sample:

[E]very significant other wants to be treated differently, better than a friend. We want to be looked after, catered to. Cherished a bit, as long as it's in a way that doesn't make either of us feel silly or put upon.

Everyone--male, female, straight, gay--agrees with this notion in theory. In practice, however, it takes most couples some time to figure out exactly which kindnesses and rituals will make up their private language, the court customs of a kingdom of two. What those customs ultimately are doesn't matter a whit. What is terribly important, though, is how they are decided upon: in a spirit of playful generosity or one of rigid blame.

Avoid sexual, religious, and I would now add "violent" metaphors in the workplace as much as possible, unless those idioms are already embedded in the workplace culture. 

However, your question calls to mind a saying from the Talmud: "If there is a case of a hanging in a man's family record, say not to him, 'Hang this fish up for me.'" Jewish tradition is so concerned about protecting others from painful memories that it argues one should avoid the use of phrases that would trigger those memories but--and here's the key--only when we're aware of such sensitivities. 

Another way to look at it is that most of these phrases are cliches. Even if they harm no one, it would not be a bad thing if we used less lazy language when talking to each other. 

My dear, dear pacifist friend dislikes the violence in 'kill two birds with one stone' so he made up 'grow two seeds from one seed', which I find delightful. 

I hear, or read, the terms "gangbangers" and "chicken hawk" very frequently, used in conversation and by very reputable journalists. I understand that these terms now mean "street gang" and "war-mongerer", but they still make me cringe because they didn't mean even remotely the same thing the first thirty or forty years of my life and were terms that would never be used in "polite company." 

Growing-up, my family would sit around the table or poolside or be driving in the car, and have conversation. Conversation, as I knew it, was one person talking and the others listening. When that person was finished, the others could respond. Responding was never hostile. If one dissagreeed, that was ok, but it was always stated with respect and never with hostility. We were never of the mind to out-do, out-speak, or crush someone else. After all, we were having a conversation with people who we chose to be with and those people's feelings mattered. 

My delema is this; of late, most poeple who I try to engage in conversation with seem to take an opposing side no matter what the topic. And very harshly, at that. It seems that people are more interested in getting their own ("right") opinion out than they are in listening to what their peers have to say. How can we grow, how can we learn, how can we have a meeting of the minds when conversation is more like a mini-war than a sharing of thoughts? I am not a long winded person, but I would like to finish speaking a single thought before being cut off, told that I'm wrong and dissmissed. 

I know that I can only change me. So, I'm wondering, what do you think I need to do when conversing with the people in my life? 

I read your column weekly in the Globe Magazine. I noted your response to E.G. in Westwood (paraphrasing here) that you would "take a stab" at the problem. It seems to me I see and hear more and more of this euphemism lately, and I find it really insensitive. I'm sure I'm not the only parent or friend/relative who has lost a loved one because they were "stabbed to death". And I'm sure I'm reacting to this because of my situation. I realize there are probably hundreds of other euphemisms that could apply to other situations/people, but I just had to say something. This euphemism has become quite common in some of the discussions where I work and I bite my tongue, so thanks for letting me vent.

... is online here. What behavior could possibly be so objectionable as to lead Miss Conduct to advise a letter writer to "dump this lady's Grinch butt"? Click and discover!