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Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 30, 2013 11:47 AM

... is online here. The first LW is worried, believe it or not, about how to wish a temperamental friend "happy birthday." My advice, in part--

Put a lid on the rationalizations. I don't want to hear about what a wonderful and generous person Ms. Volcano can be on her good days or how much shared history you have or how you need a kidney and she likes to ride her motorcycle without a helmet and, hey, a guy can hope. She's an emotional terrorist and she's dismantling your grip on reality. Not wanting to tell your boss about the bad quarterly sales figures after he's already been stuck in construction traffic for an hour is normal. Being afraid to wish someone a happy birthday--dreading not only her direct rage but also her possible harm to your relationships with other people--is not.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 23, 2013 01:43 PM

... is online here. Career tips for the baby-faced:

While etiquette teaches that we ought not judge others by their physical appearance, social science teaches that we do, and that those judgments are swift, unconscious, and predictable. Multiple studies show that baby-faced people (men and women both) are thought of as guileless, friendly, weak-willed, submissive, non-threatening, honest, warm, kind, and trustworthy. Less likely to embezzle, more likely to be bamboozled. It can be harder to prove your competence as a baby-faced person, but much easier to prove your good intent.

Chat Wednesday at noon!

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 18, 2013 04:38 PM

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 16, 2013 10:46 AM

... is online here. The first question is about correcting other people's language mistakes:

It's rude to correct a person's grammar when he or she is speaking, because in order to do that you have to interrupt your friend's hilarious or heartbreaking story in order to pontificate about faux Latinisms. Obviously only an unmitigated jerk would do something like that. Correcting pronunciation can be done with a single word, and thus is acceptable in certain circumstances (for example, if you know the mispronouncer would welcome the help or if it's your own name that's being mispronounced). Correcting written spelling or punctuation, though, doesn't puncture the moment.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 9, 2013 04:31 AM

... is online here. What's the difference between sharing an interesting article and offering unwanted advice? It can be tricky ...

Almost anything can be perceived as unsolicited advice, if the other person is determined to do so. Tell some folks that it's a beautiful day out, and they'll snap back that they know perfectly well they should be exercising more, but they just don't have the free time that some people seem to enjoy.

Chat Wednesday at noon!

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 4, 2013 11:10 AM

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams June 2, 2013 11:05 AM

... is online here. Advice for party hosts:

The number one duty that hosts owe their guests is to protect them from one another. This means that when someone misbehaves at a party--by starting a nasty argument, drinking too much, or licking the serving ware--it is your unavoidable duty to crack down.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 26, 2013 11:30 AM

… is one I’m particularly passionate about. The LW is losing weight due to a medical condition—and getting unwanted compliments due to a culture that thinks weight loss is ALWAYS to be celebrated. A sample:

You dropped a significant amount of weight in a culture that equates thinness with healthiness and valorizes rapid weight loss, so everyone assumes you meant to and begs for your secret. (For an unpacking of those cultural assumptions, Google the Health at Every Size movement.) Paradoxically, we’re also a culture alert to eating disorders, so some folks may be complimenting you as a roundabout way of seeing if you’re developing a problem. Whatever their motives, yours are to set your boundaries and reassure others.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 19, 2013 11:38 AM

... is online here. A sample (from my advice to an LW with a small but very human problem):

Because you've hit it, J.S. You've described perfectly what it's like. I think a lot of folks are on that exact precipice about all kinds of things. We know and don't-know at the same time. We have all the data we need to make a decision, but we pretend we still need to do more research. Because we know what the decision is going to be, and we don't want to have to live with it.

Chat Wednesday at noon!

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 14, 2013 02:17 PM

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 12, 2013 10:08 AM

... is online here. It's a tribute to my mother, and the many things I've learned from her, including ...

Keep 'em guessing: My mother is a sweet little widow who goes to church every Sunday. She's also one of the tougher street kids ever to scratch her way out of Depression-era Queens. She gets an enormous kick out of playing against type. Which is how I learned that to get people to listen to you, you have to keep changing it up. Paradoxes intrigue. Critical questions are most startling when phrased simply. A double-entendre is never more hilarious than from a devout Christian. And everyone from Jesus to Johnny Cash knows that sinners' prayers are sweetest.

Hell in a Handbasket? Ford Hall Forum Thursday

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 8, 2013 08:55 AM
I'll be moderating a Ford Hall Forum on "The Decline of Taboos" tomorrow night at the C. Walsh Theatre in Beacon Hill. The event is free and open to the public. From the website:
 
Not long ago, we lived in a world where cursing was verboten, only sailors had tattoos, and smoking marijuana was confined to college experimentation. Are these things really more prevalent today or were they acceptable long before they reached the puritanical eyes of American society? And if they are met with less disdain these days, is it because we're a more accepting society or because this is the beginning of a backslide into a social world rife with slovenly self-conduct? Moderator Robin Abrahams (author, "Miss Conduct" etiquette column) talks with Melissa Mohr (author, Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing), Margot Mifflin (author, Bodies of Subversion: A Secret History of Women and Tattoo), and Bill Downing (former President, MassCANN/NORML) to determine whether we can let it all hang out or if crossing the line is a harbinger of societal disaster.
Doesn't that sound fun? Weed, tats, and cussin'! Join us tomorrow night at 6:30 for what is sure to be a lively discussion.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 5, 2013 11:08 AM
... is online here. In Which Miss Conduct Suspect a Couple May Have an Incompatibility:
 
Is he the logical, task-oriented sort while you tend to be more socially motivated? A lifetime of experience has taught me that such mismatched relationships can often be quite happy. Two warnings, though, to keep your differences productive rather than destructive. One, recognize your differences as such. It's not always a question of one party or the other being "wrong." Also, even if your sweetheart is Mr. Business and you're Miss Pleasure, you shouldn't take on one hundred percent of the role of social director and emotional connection-maker. It's an easy dynamic to fall into, particularly for straight couples where the woman is the social butterfly. But to do so erodes the social skills and emotional support network of the, er, social caterpillar in the couple
.

Friday(ish) roundup: Performance, Anxiety Edition

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 4, 2013 04:37 PM

In February, in dear-God-we-were-so-young-then February, I dared to write that 2013 was shaping up to be a mad, immoderate, lurchy year. Obviously, I wasn't to know the half of it.

Can I blame the crazy end-times feeling of the year for the feeling I have, too, of constantly pinballing from one deadline or bout of illness or major trip (his, mine, or ours) to the next? Or is that just life, the thing that happens while you're making other plans? I pointed out to a friend recently that she "has it all" more than any woman I know. And she laughed and conked her head on the table and said "Dear God" like I knew she would, like any of us would, even though she's a wise and grateful person and knows that she has a wonderful life: a good marriage, smart loving kids, a fulfilling part-time career, weekends full of art and science and family projects. And of course she feels like she's running around putting out fires and satisfying completely irrational demands and thinking about the next three tasks on her to-do list instead of the one she's actually doing.

Even the most meaningful and dignified life probably feels absurd a good deal of the time.

Some days I'm not sure if pushing back against that feeling of absurdity is the right path or not. Is it striving for greater mindfulness, or striving to look like a woman in a coffee commercial? 

Chat today at noon!

Posted by Robin Abrahams May 1, 2013 07:32 AM

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams April 28, 2013 11:55 AM

... is online here. It's about bullies (the grownup, "I was just kidding" variety). A sample:

People seem to think that this is a social juncture where having a witty comeback would do them no end of good. Perhaps it would, in a placebo confidence-boosting sort of way; some people might only feel comfortable speaking up if they believed their words to be unimpeachable. But you don't need a witty comeback when a dog decides to hump your leg. All you need is a command voice and the will to use it.

Friday(ish) roundup: That Was the Week That Was Edition

Posted by Robin Abrahams April 27, 2013 07:51 AM
I went through this week in something of a daze, still not sure that the events of the week before really happened. Did you? Something about the weird containment of the events within the week itself--from the bombing Monday afternoon to the capture Friday evening--made it seem dreamlike. 

Last Thursday night, I came home from rehearsal, made a cup of tea, and prepared to settle in for a few hours' work on an editing project for my HBS job. When the shootout happened I traded tea for coffee and stayed up for the rest of the night, following the action online--and listening to the sirens and explosions from our Cambridge apartment. I watched the city wake up to the news, and saw the weird, stilted day begin. Around 9, I went back to bed and slept for five hours or so. And then woke, and watched. 

And as soon as they caught the guy, I went to Shaw's and bought a box of eclairs and ate four of them and the only reason I didn't eat five was that Mr. Improbable--who hates sweets--scarfed one down. (Will the person who accused me of fad dieting because I avoid bread please take note.) What did you eat after they captured Dzhokar? According to my Facebook feed, Boston was eating its feelings, along with anything else it could get hold of. 

All my life I have loved stories of wanderers, literal or metaphorical--those who are born out of place and must find their true home. Boston is my home. Sixteen years ago I arrived on a train like a girl in a musical, and last week among all the fear and anger and sorrow there was a deep stab of joy at seeing my love, my Boston, put into words so beautifully by others. Dennis Lehane in the New York Times:
 
But I do love this city. I love its atrocious accent, its inferiority complex in terms of New York, its nut-job drivers, the insane logic of its street system. I get a perverse pleasure every time I take the T in the winter and the air-conditioning is on in the subway car, or when I take it in the summer and the heat is blasting. Bostonians don't love easy things, they love hard things -- blizzards, the bleachers in Fenway Park, a good brawl over a contested parking space. Two different friends texted me the identical message yesterday: They messed with the wrong city. This wasn't a macho sentiment. It wasn't "Bring it on" or a similarly insipid bit of posturing. The point wasn't how we were going to mass in the coffee shops of the South End to figure out how to retaliate. Law enforcement will take care of that, thank you. No, what a Bostonian means when he or she says "They messed with the wrong city" is "You don't think this changes anything, do you?"
And in a similar but more profane and hilarious vein, Jim Dowd:
 
This place gave us Leonard Nimoy and Mark Walberg. Southie and Cambridge. Brookline and Brockton. This place will kick the screaming piss out of you, come up with a cure for having the screaming piss kicked out of you, give it to you for free, then win a Nobel prize for it and then use the medallion to break your knuckles. See what I'm talking about?
This civic pride was more than justified by our behavior last Friday, which is why I was infuriated by the Arkansas senator, and similar yammerers, who saw Boston as an example of anything other than serious-minded people doing a big job in a thorough way. Some of my Facebook posts on the topic:

My response to Nate Bell's "apology" to the citizens of Massachusetts: "Your apology is not accepted. May God Himself accept your declaration of moral, intellectual, and rhetorical bankruptcy." 
I'm angry at some of the right-wing characterizations of Boston's actions yesterday. This was not martial law. Nobody was "cowering" in their homes. The lockdown was a request that we were happy to comply with, because it was the most useful thing 99% of us could do. Bostonians damn well know how to lead, follow, or GET OUT OF THE WAY. Yes, we shut down the city for the day and took the economic hit. If God forbid something like this happens AGAIN, we'll decide to what extent we want to follow this model subsequently. No, it doesn't mean any 19-year-old with a grudge can drive the city to a halt any time he wants. It means we take sh*t SERIOUSLY in this town. Any mistakes we made on this? We'll learn from. Don't you worry. 
I've noted for a long time that Boston "rudeness" is actually a particular code of etiquette, one based on respect for the *goals* (rather than the feelings or personal space) of other people. To some degree, the disjunct between what we felt yesterday, and what the rest of the nation perceived, reflects that difference in etiquette. Bostonians show respect by *providing information* and *getting out of each others' way*. The last time we confused the nation this badly was during the Democratic National Convention in 2004, when we politely exited the city en masse to let the conventioneers have it to themselves. Not everyone's definition of hospitality, it turned out.
But I think Miss Conduct's final word on the lockdown will have to be this:

Another thing people outside Boston may not understand: We routinely drive, bicycle, and traverse our public roadways like utter maniacs. In order to free up sufficient first-response police and medical personnel, we could either learn decent manners overnight, or stay home. We made the right choice.

Today's column

Posted by Robin Abrahams April 21, 2013 09:58 AM

... is online here. It's a three-fer! Here's question (and answer) number two:

How does one respond to colleagues who say "You shouldn't have" when you give them a small gift as a thank you, get well, or going away present?

B.W. / Reading

You say this: "Of course we 'had to.' What kind of terrible people wouldn't [reward a job well done/bring a sick person a plant/honor your long years of service]? Now say 'Thank you' and [open your present/get well/let?s all go out for a drink]!"

Got it? People who say "You shouldn't have" feel uncomfortable being the center of attention. So you give Wally Wallflower a gentle shake to remind him that, comfortable or not, he is the center of attention on account of his brilliant job on the Macguffin account or his broken leg or imminent retirement, and the rest of you are responding appropriately. Then you feed him his next line ("Thank you!"), just like a stage manager would.

Friday Roundup: Sheltering in Place Edition

Posted by Robin Abrahams April 19, 2013 05:15 PM

My synagogue cancelled service tonight. I support this decision, but I know it cannot have been made easily. The symbolism is painful.

But if I am going to be a Jew hiding in my house, I am glad to be a Jew hiding in my house with my city, not from them.

All my life I have loved stories of wanderers who find their home. Boston is my home.

I love you. Be safe. Shabbat Shalom.

Feeding foodies--another hostly paradox

Posted by Robin Abrahams April 15, 2013 10:51 AM

Last week I blogged about suggestions from chatters for the problem of feeding foodies: what to do when you want to entertain people whose cooking skills and food savvy far exceed your own.

Here's another dinner-guest-having problem that occurred to me this weekend: Do you feel socially obligated to offer friends fancier/more indulgent food than you yourself normally eat? I don't usually eat bread, for example, nor do most of my friends--but if I'm having my homegirls over for dinner, even the most ardently low-carb of the Fabulous Bureaucrats, I will put bread on the table. Because you're entertaining, it's what you do. Also, dessert.

I'm trying to move away from this, and cook for guests the way I cook for Mr. Improbable and myself--simple healthy food, which I'm actually pretty good at. But there's still a part of me--that raised-in-the-Midwest-in-the1970s-part, I suppose--that feels that "company food" ought to be indulgent, buttery fare. How about you?

About Miss Conduct
Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
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Who is Miss Conduct?

Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.

Need Advice?

Curious if you should say "bless you" to a sneezing atheist? How to host a dinner party for carbophobes, vegans, and Atkins disciples—all at the same time? The finer points of regifting? Ask it here, or email missconduct@globe.com.

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