Why it matters
I finally caught up with everyone else and saw "Hotel Rwanda" on DVD a couple of weeks ago. Don Cheadle's performance was as amazing as I had always heard, although I wasn't quite as overwhelmed by the movie as most people were. Perhaps it was excessively high expectations, perhaps it's my innate dislike of movies about historical horrors that focus on the few who survive rather than the thousands who don't, perhaps it was some of the too-obvious directorial choices. (This Village Voice review nicely summarizes some of same issues I had with the movie.) I do very much want to read We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families, now.
One thing that has stuck with me since seeing the movie, however, is that Paul Rusesabagina, the movie's hero, who in the movie and in life managed to save some twelve hundred Tutsis and moderate Hutus from slaughter--was able to do this, in large part, because he had good manners. Mr. Rusesabagina is no action hero, and no idealist, either. He is a man who knows how to finesse a situation. How to figure out quickly what motivates people, and use that knowledge to negotiate with them. How to bank favors against an uncertain future. How to restrain himself in the face of provocation. How to maintain dignity and grace, and extend that possibility to others.
Most of us, I hope, will never be faced with a crisis the likes of which Mr. Rusesabagina faced. But what he did should help us remember that the small skills of manners, self-restraint, intuition, empathy are not frills, moral accessories, to be put on when we are feeling the luxuries of time and emotional energy. They are essential tools that can save lives, literally and figuratively.
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Welcome to Miss Conduct’s blog, a place where the popular Boston Globe Magazine columnist Robin Abrahams and her readers share etiquette tips, unravel social conundrums, and gossip about social behavior in pop culture and the news. Have a question of your own? Ask Robin using this form or by emailing her at missconduct@globe.com.
Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahamswrites the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine and is the author of Miss Conduct's Mind over Manners. Robin has a PhD in psychology from Boston University and also works as a research associate at Harvard Business School. Her column is informed by her experience as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband Marc Abrahams, the founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, and their socially challenged but charismatic dog, Milo.
