'fessing up

I'm feeling better today. Yesterday's shakeup stayed with me all day--I'm one of those people who is preternaturally calm, collected, and rational in a crisis, and then has a nervous breakdown the minute the pressure's off. Fortunately, I have this week off work, so I was able to make phone calls and blog and putter around the house and just process for a while. And then I went down to Brookline and had dinner with a friend at a sushi place, and let Girl Logic kick in for a while and inform me that, since my dog and I had nearly been hit by a car, I clearly deserved a new pair of shoes:

Are those not gorgeous? I think I would have made up any excuse to buy those shoes, actually. Got them at Downtown Shooz on in Coolidge Corner, one of my favorite shoe shops. It's really tiny with a great selection, and the owner always has great stories to tell you while you shop. (And the shoes there were cheaper, considerably, than the listing on Zappo's that I got the picture from.)

One of the things that came to me in my processing is how much of my anger--and there is serious rage within me, still, I believe I would physically hurt that cabdriver if I could--stemmed not from what he did, but from the fact that he didn't stop and apologize. Cabbies don't have it easy. For all I know the guy was at the end of a 12-hour shift. And we all make mistakes, in our jobs, in our lives. He could have had my compassion and forgiveness so easily.

But he ran off. And I wonder, is that a human instinct, to deny wrongdoing, to run away, to make excuses? Or is it in some way cultural? It's the worst possible instinct, whatever it is. There's been research showing that doctors are much less likely to be sued for malpractice when they admit their mistakes, apologize, explain to the patient what went wrong and why. And everyone--except the airlines themselves--knows that a huge part of passengers' anger and frustration over delays isn't because of the delays themselves, but because of the lack of communication.

We all screw up. (This might be a good time to revisit the lady who hit my friend with the door.) Admit it, and the likely response is "There but for the grace of God go I," because only a psychopath would fail to acknowledge the many, many times that it was only good luck that kept their own mistakes from having disastrous consequences. Run away, dissemble, make excuses, and the likely response is "You hurt me and I will get you for that."

I am trying to feel compassion and forgive, which is not incompatible with also trying to get this driver's license taken away from him. I hope I'll get there. But he could have made it so much easier for me. The next time you screw up, even if you really, really want to pretend it didn't happen, don't alienate the person you hurt from their own capacity to forgive.