Bride-chillas

A reader writes:

This isn't a question, just something that's been nagging at me a little lately.It has to do with the thank-you card question that came up in your last chat regarding the bridal party that asked for addressed TY note envelopes for a shower. I didn't notice you respond this way, but the chat guest (and many other places I've noticed recently) seemed to turn quickly on the bride (something along the lines of "I think I'll include a fully written TY note with my wedding gift, so all she'll have to do is sign her name"). While I agree that this is pretty tacky, and would never do it myself (I'd sooner write the addresses for the bride than ask guests to do it!), as a gal that's getting married in June, I'd love to just chime in and say that 9 times out of 10, the bride has nothing to do with this at all. Please cut her a break!

I'm very excited for my shower (and really appreciate all the effort I know my bridal party is going through to plan it), but I have to admit that it's a little stressful being the guest of honor at a party that you had no hand in planning, but may well be judged for. Even if my bridesmaids ask for addressed envelopes (which I have no idea whether they plan to, they've gone to great lengths to make sure I don't have to "stress" over the details of the shower), I will still look forward to writing every single thank you note and acknowledging the effort that people made to select a gift and spend time with me at the shower. So, I know it's hard to separate a bride from her shower, but if people could remember that she didn't ask for the pre-addressed envelopes (or the gifts wrapped in clear paper, or the cash for a money tree, or only silver gifts - yes I've seen it all : ), I know it would take a little worry off of this (and many other) bride-chilla's shoulders!

Emphasis mine, also link to Slate's "Dear Prudence" is mine; I don't know if that's what the writer was referring to or not.

First off, I love the term "bride-chilla." A nice play on the awful "bridezilla," referencing both "chill" in the hip-hop sense and the unbearable cuteness of chinchillas:

But this letter makes two far more important points. One is that parties to honor a person--showers, retirement dinners, birthdays-ending-in-zero, golden anniversaries and so forth--are usually organized and hosted by someone other than the honoree. So don't be too quick to judge said honoree for social gaffes or an entitled attitude. They might not be responsible for, or even known about, the thing that offended you. The hosts might have said, "Leave everything to me, all you have to do is show up!" and the party girl or boy, already enmeshed with the complications of wedding or baby planning, retirement, or aging, may have gratefully taken them at their word.

The other point is that I really hate the term "bridezilla." Sure, some brides behave pretty badly, and the wedding-industrial complex has definitely gotten out of hand. But our culture relentlessly flogs the notion of marriage as the ultimate validation of a woman's desirability, the wedding as "the happiest day of your life," the notion that "you'll never be more beautiful than you are today"--and then turns around and sneers at women who actually believe that message and, understandably, get a bit neurotic and perfectionistic and controlly.

It's just another example of the double binds women face all the time. We're expected to be tough in the workplace to show we can compete with men but not too tough or we're called--well, you know what we're called, it's not appropriate language for this blog; we're supposed to be hot but "effortlessly hot" because if we look like we worked at it we're shallow and pathetic; we're supposed to be "fun" but not "slutty," "ladylike" but not "prudish."

Enough, already. Let's recognize the term "bridezilla" for the nasty thing it is, and give our bride-chillas some love.