Talking to teens

A lot of people in their 20s get married, so I guess this is relevant. Since I got married 11 months ago, it seems like everyone starts most conversations with "So, how's married life?" I know they're just trying to make small-talk, and I usually respond with something like"oh, it's a lot less stressful without having to plan a wedding" and my husband suggests I say things like "taller" (I grew two inches this past year even though I thought I had stopped growing years ago). It's really kind of annoying to be asked though because I feel at a loss for what to say and also like being married is all that's interesting about me now (sort of like when I was applying to colleges and that was all anyone wanted to talk about).

Robin says: Be patient. By the time you actually want to talk about your marriage, no one will be asking you questions about it.

That makes sense - I was puzzling over the "5 kids" remark. :) Glad to know I hadn't been missing important pieces of the picture. :)

Also, since I'm posting, although a bit out of place - I loved the Lost and disability post, thought it was so interesting and was surprised there were not more comments.

Robin says: Thanks! I'm always surprised what gets a lot of comments and what doesn't--also by what column q&a's get a lot of response letters and which ones don't. I can see where the "Lost" post would have made a lot of people feel that they couldn't comment if they didn't watch the show, which isn't necessarily true but there you are.

I'm in my early 20s and when work was not going well, I feel like no one wanted that answer when asked about it. Instead of asking if someone likes their job, ask about the nature of it or what aspects are enjoyable. That will save an awkward conversation. (And just because someone is recently out of school and isn't sure that they like their job does not mean they've been coddled, can't handle adversity, or have too high expectations -- it might just mean that industry is not for them.)

My brother is graduating high school next month and I'm making it a point not to ask him about it. He's been much more open when he's not being prodded to talk about it. Just checking in and talking about what seems like goofy things can show you're there.

Life is finally starting to settle down after the whole college graduation, first real job, first real apartment and wedding in only a few years. The conversations I loved the most during all of these transitions were about the things that I've always enjoyed - you know, as just a regular person! Yes, I was over the moon to be graduating/moving/working/getting married, but asking me about every detail just reminded me how much I had left to do. And what was with the non-stop "how are you doing now that you're in a 40 hour-a-week job like the rest of us miserable stiffs?!" How do you even answer a question like that?! I far preferred the conversations where both parties could participate - arguing about the Sox, comparing notes on the new movie releases, anything that wasn't all about me. Doesn't it seem strange that people in this phase of life are asked nonstop questions about themselves and their plans from older generations, then told that we're all horrific, entitled narcisists?

Robin says: LOVE your last line! Excellent points.

This is for Mira, I do love married life, ups and downs and there have been a few of each in my short marriage of just over a month. But the things I love the most are hard to describe to others and very personal and not what I can share with others. You may or may not feel the same way. To sidetrack those well meaning but perhaps annoying questions with a peppy (IMO) response that I got from my DH. Just say, well we had a wonderful ceremony, amazing party with all our friends and family and had a great vacation, I love it. Then proceed to ask about something that is relevant to the other person. I think that since planning our wedding was just a large chunk of our recent lives that the questioner may really be asking what interests you right now that you have shifted your focus so that they can figure out where you are. Are you diving back into all the things you did pre planning or did you find some new interests along the way.

Elizabeth -- that's basically how I try to answer: quickly, then on to something else. And certainly I was glad to have my life back and be able to get back into all my hobbies and other interests -- wedding planning was the bane of my existence :)

I absolutely HATED the question, "what are you doing after college?" during my senior year in college. Now that I'm in a MA in Forensic Mental Health Counseling program, I either get "So, how much longer are you going to be in school" or "what in the world are you going to do with that?"

I know they mean well, but really I'd much rather talk about McDreamy and Meredith on Grey's Anatomy...or if I like my coursework.

When I was working on my doctorate in molecular biology, relatives were always asking me where I went on spring break, how long I had off for Christmas or what I was going to do over the summer. Nobody had a clue what I did. I wouldn't have minded talking about my research or what the requirements of the program were but I knew they didn't really care, they were just making polite conversation. If I did try explaining, it went in one ear and out the other because at the next get together I'd get the same questions all over again.

Robin says: But what is a good conversation starter with someone who has a terribly technical scientific job?

A good conversation starter with someone who has a terribly technical scientific job...hmmm. How about, "can you explain to me what you're working on so that I can understand it?" Most scientists/engineers have a nutshell explanation they use for nonscientists/engineers. For a grad student I would ask about their program - what are the requirements, do they like their program, what do they do for fun when they aren't in the lab. For someone writing their thesis, do NOT ask when they are going to be done or if they think they'll finish in time to attend graduation or was it worth it. Also, don't make comments about how they'll be making the big bucks when they get their Ph.D. It doesn't usually work that way!

Robin says: Good advice, all. There's something about science that shuts a lot of people down, conversation-wise. A combination of the poor science education in this country and the attitudes of many (obviously not all, clearly not you) scientists. Let's all of us work to bridge that gap ...

Last time I saw my 16 year old step-sister, who is ten years younger than me and lives in another state, I just asked "Get anything good for your birthday?" we had a pleasant conversation and then we watched "Sixteen Candles". It was a good way to start talking about what high school is really like, and how different it was for me just 10 years ago than it is for her now. Now the geeks clique is just as hard to fit into as the popular kids, but the clothes are much better and now it's no big deal for a senior to date a freshmen, but there was a time where co-mingling with under-classmen was taboo. We went through old pictures and I revealed to her the horrors of the 90's and the wardrobe mistakes my firends and I made in elementary and middle school. And we found otu that although we're quite different, that we do have things in common.