Relevance

Is etiquette relevant? It seems whether one is boarding the T or working in business that our society has devolved to a "me first," "I've got mine," pushing and shoving match. Yes, I know etiquette is alive and well at the Four Seasons and among the Brahmin, but it seems a bit of civilization that we lost in our efforts to make everything common.

This question came in to one of my chats, and it wasn't the kind of thing I could address in that medium, or at least it wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to address in that medium, because I had a lot more to say. I suspect there's a whole 'nother book to be written about this question, really. But here's some preliminary thoughts, marshaled in no particular order:

First off, the writer seems to be confusing two types of etiquette: basic golden-rule-based kindness, and the sort of formality that characterizes the Four Seasons and Boston Brahmins. (Or so I imagine. I've never been to Four Seasons, and what with hanging out with a lot of science, technology, and academic folk, the Brahmins I know tend to be actual Brahmins.) This is a categorical mistake. Mastery of the rituals of forks and calling cards on the one hand, and common decency on the other, both fall under the category of "manners" but are statistically independent of one another. In other words, you can be extremely adept at protocol and still be a nasty piece of work, and you can be a thoroughly kind and true soul who drinks out of the finger bowls. Ideally, of course, you have both sorts of good manners. But common sense/common decency etiquette is a matter of ethics, and forms/rituals etiquette is a matter of aesthetics. However polished their veneer, I suspect that "me first" and "I've got mine" attitudes are alive and well among the Brahmin, and I believe the descendants of Irish immigrants to Boston will back me up on that.

If manners in both senses are getting worse, I think it's more interesting, and revealing, to look at the larger societal forces behind this than to go around blaming individuals. As the media balkanizes into hundreds of TV channels, thousands of blogs, and the notion of a literary canon or a common source of information fades, our shared culture begins to erode. The less we have in common, the less we feel we owe each other. We are living in an anxious age--"But as I travell'd hither through the land, I find the people strangely fantasied/Possess'd with rumours, full of idle dreams/Not knowing what they fear, but full of fear" (King John, Act IV, Sc. II). We are frightened of rising food and fuel prices, ecological catastrophe, losing our health insurance, losing our jobs, not having enough to retire on, the deficit, more war, more terrorism. A frightened animal is a dangerous animal--the human animal is no different. Then there's the fact that we live in an increasingly mobile society, making it difficult to forge the kind of long-term sense of place and community, and accountability, that has in the past served as a form of social control.

But here's the upside. People who bemoan the current state of today's manners--which can be pretty bad at times, I'm not denying that--are missing a crucial aspect of the whole thing. In the past 40 years or so, for the first time in human history, as far as I know, the modern West has signed on to the idea that courtesy should be extended to everybody.

When you stop to think about it, this is extraordinary. The notion that everyone--regardless of nationality, religion, gender, occupation, race, age, health status--should be treated with respect as an individual. Wow. I don't think we've ever tried that before, as a species. There were always classes of people--slaves and servants, women, children, the disabled, people of other nations, the poor--whom it was considered perfectly acceptable, even moral, to treat as less than human. We don't believe that anymore. Given the uniqueness and novelty of universal courtesy, it's hardly surprising that we're not very good at it. Yes, there is still prejudice. There is misogyny (more of it than I used to think there was). There is racism. There is fat prejudice and discrimination against the handicapped and homophobia and ageism and classism.

But we acknowledge, at least with our conscious minds and in public, that these things are wrong. People who engage in these behaviors have to engage, also, in elaborate excuses for why what they are doing isn't really misogyny, racism, etc. etc. That right there represents progress. And the trend of modern society, albeit with fits and starts, is toward universal courtesy. Disability and illness aren't taken as a sign of God's wrath. Left-handed kids aren't whacked with rulers. Women are treated with respect because we are people, not because we belong to a man who is owed honor. Again, I'm not saying this is universal--that kind of monumental change can't happen overnight, or even within a generation. But the mere fact that the ideal of universal courtesy is accepted, and not considered fecklessly utopian or an outright wicked assault on social order, is itself an astonishing thing.

Now when you're in the middle of an unprecedented social experiment, you're going to screw up. Even when we all agree that we should treat everyone with respect, we don't always know how. Treating a woman with respect doesn't mean treating her like a man. Treating a disabled person with respect doesn't mean pretending he's not in a wheelchair. Treating a person of a different culture with respect doesn't mean making them an honorary American. Treating a broke friend with respect doesn't mean complaining about the tax hit you took on capital gains this year in order to bond with them.

It's hard. We make mistakes. Part of what my book is about is figuring out what it means to treat people different from yourself with courtesy. And it's possible that some people, overwhelmed, have unconsciously decided to throw in the towel. It's easier to give up on courtesy and focus on your own goals and needs than to try to be a good person when being good means figuring out so many things you never had to think about before, and risk getting shot down when your intentions were innocent.

But you know, if we can pull this universal courtesy thing off, we are going to be one freaking amazing species. Let's keep working on it.

UPDATE: If this post makes you want to sound off, please e-mail me! I fear that comments might just devolve into "but [whatever]ism is still acceptable"/"No it isn't" back & forthing, so that's why I didn't open this one up. But as always I'd love to hear your thoughts.