The kid in your fridge
The Traveling Psychologist e-mailed me to comment on this question from Wednesday's chat:
Micky: Here's my question: my son's friend (age 11) came over. I served him a cookie and asked him which beverage he would prefer. He said "milk" and then promptly got up, grabbed a cup, opened my fridge and helped himself to the milk. He did this later when he wanted more (rather than ask). I was astonished by this and thought it very rude. My husband says that I should be glad he was resourceful--of course, he had only to wait 15 more seconds and I would have gotten the milk myself, since he was a guest in the house. Ok, as I type this I realize it sounds stupid and nitpicky, but I told my son he was never to go foraging in other people's fridges if he is at someone else's house.Robin_Abrahams: He probably thought he was being helpful. I'm not for bashing the manners of people under, say, 16 (I know that's not really what you're doing), as they only know what they've been taught. Now that you know, the next time you can say, "Sit down, I'll get it." Maybe when you serve it to him give him a conspiratorial look and say, "Some people don't like it when other people go in their refrigerators," like you're cuing him in on a big secret. Which, apparently, you are.
The TP takes a broader view, writing:
Sociologists/psychologists have been crunching through stats to figure out what of the myriad factors in a teen's home life influence "optimal outcome." So they're trying to find out what differentiates the teens who turn out well -- graduate, stay drug-free, don't have an eating disorder or commit crimes, are happy -- from the ones who have problems. One of the factors that correlates with good outcome is friends/social contacts -- but NOT just the at-school type of friends or texting buddies, the kind of friends where you got over to their house. It was operationalized in one study this way (actually, this was the factor that was most correlated with good outcome):Number of households where the teen felt sufficiently relaxed or recognized to be able to help him/herself to a drink from the refrigerator without asking permission.
You can imagine how many other "bad things" are ruled out by this innocuous activity. The kids are hanging out at a house, not on the street, so there may be adults around or at least the prospect of adults dropping by... it suggests constancy of experience, an after-school routine, etc. I think this was discussed in this fascinating book.
What great information! Thanks for sharing that, Traveling Psychologist, and I hope this information helps Micky put the situation in perspective.
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Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahams writes the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine. Robin, who has a PhD in psychology from Boston University, has worked as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband, Marc Abrahams, founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, which are given annually for achievements that first make people laugh and then make them think.
