I get letters

In response to this Sunday's question about how to honor a mentor, two readers (teachers, I suspect) offer additional suggestions:

I heartily endorse your advice to R.F. of Boston who wished to convey appreciation to a teacher who had provided valuable assistance and support. You are right that a letter like that from a student brings a teacher immense satisfaction.

I would also suggest that R.F. send a copy of the letter to the teacher's principal and to her superintendent to be placed in her permanent file. The same letter might accompany a donation in the teacher's name to the district's non-profit educational foundation. These names and contacts are easily obtained through the district's website or through the superintendent's office.

Teachers thrive on the individual relationships established and maintained with students, but they need, too, commendation from their peers, their superiors, and the communities that employ them. Distributing copies of the letter more widely will allow the teacher to take a bow on a larger stage, and believe me, she'll enjoy the applause.

This is a particularly good point. When you compliment anyone on their work, try to send the compliment up as far as you can!

All good teachers tend to share some core values, so I feel confident with this suggestion. This former student could make his/her teacher proud by making a donation in the teacher's name to a charity. Don't know the teacher's favorite cause? Just choose one of your own, and remember that donations don't have be made just as memorials -- after death -- giving a check "in celebration of" the life of someone is a treasured family tradition for us. I'm only sorry my mother didn't live a few more years, so she could have helped to celebrate her granddaughter's first semester in front of a classroom this year. I know that would have been a donation given and received with both joy and tears recognizing that a "giving" legacy lives on in a new generation of underpaid, overworked, underappreciated teachers.

So a grade of "A" on your response, but giving back in this way will warm a good teacher's heart in ways that a tangible gift could never accomplish. Don't wait until the teacher dies -- show him/her that giving back is a part of life, and honor the teacher's gift with a worthy one of your own.

I like this idea as well. However ... it can be dangerous to let the best be the enemy of the good. So many times we have a good impulse ("I should write so-and-so and tell her what a difference she made!") and then we get sidetracked from the original good impulse by trying to make it better ("Need to get the address of the superintendent, too ... oh, and a charity ...") and it never gets done. So if you can cc the letter, and make a donation, that's excellent. But don't not send the letter just because it's "just" a letter. Doing things heartfelt and on time beats nearly any degree of perfection.

Regarding the "My Word" about assigning a spokesperson to someone who's hospitalized or going through a long medical haul, another reader sends in this:

There are two wonderful online resources that allow an updated page for this purpose: carepages.com and caringbridge.org. Both can be password-protected to limit viewing, and also can add contact information for further follow-up. While in the midst of serious health issues, or even for chronic disease, it can be a help to write things down and re-read for accuracy - rather than repeat the tale for the 15th time.

I haven't used either of these websites but they sound like a FABULOUS idea. And a good way to keep medical gossip from metastasizing, if your family is prone to drama!

And finally this, in response to my controversial advice that men diplomatically ignore the breast enhancements of female relatives and daughters' friends:

Your advice tends to retain strict gender role lines that are no longer applicable in many (most?) social circles. In today's column discussing implants you suggest that the men retreat to make coffee until the subject changes from girl talk to something more suitable for them to hear. It seems unlikely that anyone could smoothly transition in and out of conversations based on changing content. Besides that, what about the gay men? can they participate in this discussion? and the lesbians? Is there anything at all appropriate that a lesbian might at to a breast enlargement conversation? It seems the world you live in is narrow in scope and content if you meet no people who blur your tight conception of male and female. I find this is disturbing since you are a psychologist and are in a position to be dishing advice.

Well revoke my NOW membership and call me Phyllis, 'cause yeah, I do kind of think of boob jobs as a chick thing.