Me vs. Milo in the mental health challenge!

Oh, this is amusing. Much as I love dogs, I despise any kind of sentimentality about them, especially the currently fashionable kind of moral sentiment that paints them as somehow purer and nobler than us humans. My feeling is summed up well by Stephen Budiansky, who wrote: "If dogs truly were human, they would be jerks. As dogs, they are wonderful." Dogs can be wonderful moral teachers, but more by forcing us to confront our own psychological issues than by providing an example to be emulated. (Check out PeaceBang's lovely post about what she's learned since getting her beagle Max.)

So you can imagine how much I love this charming little quiz designed to show you your dog's moral and spiritual superiority to you: "[W]e all might look to our dogs as BEACONS of mental health with many behaviors and responses to which we could well aspire as our longterm health goals."

Let's see how well Milo and I measure up. For each statement you're supposed to say whether it's more true of you, your dog, or both equally. Here we go:

Joyfully undertake frequent vigorous physical exercise.

Milo's got me beat on that one paws down.

Happily eat the same food day after day.

That one too, though why it's considered an aspect of mental health I'm not sure.

Almost always cheerful, fun-loving, ignoring aches and pains.

Milo wins that one too. Of course, he's a terrier. He'd ignore a skull fracture if there was a squirrel in front of him.

Need no medical help (valium, prozac, etc.) to relieve stress or tension.

Please. See "He's a terrier" above. When IAMS comes out with Lamb Rice & Xanax, I'll be the first in line.

Seize most every opportunity to enjoy the natural world.

Milo for the win! I haven't really felt comfortable rubbing myself on a possum carcass ever since I became Miss Conduct. It just doesn't seem to go with the brand, somehow.

Can take criticism and blame without resentment.

He takes the blame for all the gas that is ever passed in this house, for one thing. Bless you, Milo. You want a happy marriage? Get a dog to blame all the suspicious smells on, and a GPS so you don't fight while you're driving.

Can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her.

If by that they mean "Can pay keen attention to what a lesser-trained friend is getting away with and try it himself," then Milo for the win.

Can face the world without any lies and deceit.

I think I win this one. I'm in favor of the occasional social white lie, but I don't routinely try to convince total strangers that my family never feeds me, never plays with me, never gives me any affection or attention and if you don't give me a bite of your cookie I might just die. Die, I tell you!

Can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

If "rich" is defined as "having access to money," then Milo and I are equally indifferent to the relative wealth of our friends. If "rich" is defined as "having access to chicken," we are not.

Can joyfully live without pep pills, cigarettes or liquor.

True, I drink and Milo does not. Then again he sleeps 16 hours a day, so who's courting more oblivion?

Weight in more normal proportion to body.

I'm going to uncharacteristically ignore the blatant fatophobia of that comment and simply point out that regardless of our BMIs, my weight is in much better proportion to income contributed to household food budget than Milo's is.

Can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

Honestly? We're both big whiners. Mr. Improbable is a very, very patient man.

Can understand and accept when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

And often express this understanding and acceptance by attempting to sleep on their computers while said loved ones are trying to write, or stealing strategic documents and leaving the room with them while loved ones are doing business on the phone? That would be Milo.

Have no prejudice or discomfort WHATSOEVER with others' creeds, colors, religions, or beliefs.

Hey, I'm proudly Jewish, but I don't feel the need to spend all January peeing on people's discarded Christmas trees like someone I could name.

I think the end result is that Milo and I deserve each other. Who has better mental health, you or your dog?