Monday question: You all set, hon?

Welcome to Quincy, Massachusetts!

"Please call me ________ (Susan, Lisa, whatever-your-first-name-is)". I think this is the polite way to correct the situation, versus saying "Don't call me hon; I'm not your honey!" I tried this once as a young woman to an older man taking my YMCA card at the desk, and he was shocked and seemed very hurt.

Honestly, I don't think they mean anything by it, but I don't care for it either. I took my mother and aunt, both in their 80s to dinner recently. I am in my fifties, and the waitress, probably in her twenties, kept calling us "you girls." "Would you girls like some dessert?" It really bugged me!

I think the "hon" or "sweetie" thing does show a lack of respect, but again, I don't think these people are saying it with any unkind intentions. Next time it happens, you might smile and say, "You know, I come in here all the time, and we don't even know each other's names! My name is Jane. What's yours?" And maybe they'll take it from there to start using your name instead of "hon" or "sweetie."

I work at a womens' gym, and see the same women on a regular basis, I use the term sweetie, honey etc. all the time, but I do address them by their first name also.

I really hope I'm not offending any of them.

I would think they are genuinely just trying to be nice to you, especially if they see you on a regular basis.

I am called 'hon' by a woman at a local establishment. She's not much younger than I am (I'm 49, and she's been doing this for at least ten years), so I don't think it's age related. The first time it happened I thought it was a little odd, but now I think it's sweet. It's a welcome relief from the sanitized, rule-driven interactions that I have in the corporate world, and, honestly, feels much more human and neighborly. Definitely introduce yourself by name, but lighten up and enjoy the term of endearment. That's all it is.

I think these terms are meant as sweet nothings, as endearments. My first response is to take kindness where I can get it -- there's enough out there to be offended at without reacting negatively to well-meaning behavior. But I love the idea of just introducing yourself in the pleasant way proposed by EmilyF!

I would think, though, about whether you're likely to bump into this person again or whether it's a one-or-two-time thing. If you're likely to never see them again, perhaps it's worth putting up with a few hons or maybe even trying to enjoy them.

I was recently in a situation where I saw someone over and over and we had no idea what each others' names were. We made it into a joke, saying that anywhere else, we would know by now. In New England, given that a good five years had gone by, perhaps it was time to exchange first names. We acknowleged that some New Englanders might feel we were rushing it.

It was a way of turning an embarrassing situation into one that was a very fun joke. And I think that's the key -- turn the situation around so that you're both comfortable can come away smiling.

I am a 53 year old guy born and raised in Boston. I do travel throught the country and I noticed that people, more often in the south, tend to say hun or dear when waiting on or interacting with me on a casual business level. I like it! It warms things up. Things do seem very uptight in the North when compared to other parts of this country. No one who talks like this means to offend you. They are trying to be nice!

Would you rather that they just speak softly and grunt your total to you as you pay your bill at the checkout line? In any retail outlet these days whether a grocery chain, a pharmacy chain, any retail outlet I have come to EXPECT uninterested bores of people who work there and I would welcome any sort of salutation. Lighten up folks.

LOL @ Bill.

I would rather be called "hon" ,"dear", or "sweetie" than be called "ma'am".

I am sure no ill will is meant by it but, It makes me wonder how these people address their real "hon", "sweetie".... A term of endearment should be reserved for those we truly hold dear.

Tooooo sensitive how about worrying about something else.

People who have the time to comment and be annoyed by something so petty and obviously not mean spirited -need to get a life. Obviously there is nothing going on in their life that they have time to think about this.

'Hon' is the official greating in Baltimore (see Honfest for details) and all the rest of the greatings offered by the writer are commonly heard too. These types of greatings are standard southern colloquialisms that mean no disrespect. In the end, usings these types of greetings says more about the person using the terms than the target of the usage, they are trying to be nice to you.

I think that this type of greeting is commonplace in the North Shore. I am originally from Central Mass and noticed this greeting right away when moving here and I'm not an older woman. I believe that people are trying to be nice and friendly, which the Northeast is not known for. I don't mind it a bit!

If they are pleasant and friendly, what's the problem? I would rather be called 'Hon' than be grunted at by an indifferent, uncaring clerk who just wants to finish their shift and go home.

Unless you know them well, I think using the term sweetie or hon is inappropriate. It's unprofessional and infantilizes both women and the elderly. A gentleman of the same age would more likely be called "Sir" in the same circumstances.

It feels a little like an attempt at breeding the down-home friendliness the northeast can lack. I don't love it, but I don't really care that much if someone sweeties me. Delivery and style is important. I think it's always well-intended. Is there a socioeconomic class dynamic going on for certain? Even if you show your face somewhere regularly, sometimes public employees can't learn everyone's names, and then there has to be the awkward "I'm sorry, I know your face {sweetie} but I forgot your name for the seventeenth time."

I work with a lot of people whose names I will never learn, especially kids, and if I need to get their attention I'll call them "Mr. Pink Shirt" or "Miss Stripey Shorts". I would think it hilarious if the checkout clerk at the supermarket had the eye and sense of humor to call me Miss Green Tank Top or Miss Cowboy Hat, both of which I wear regularly to the grocery store.

I think there are really better things to get offended by then people trying to use a friendly term by which to address you.

I see nothing wrong with it.

I think it's just a generic, informal type of greeting, kinda like ma'am, but much more informal. Hon doesn't bother me. Sweetie seems a little weird. Girls just aggravates me. Especially from people my age or younger (where my age is within 10 years or so). I'm not a girl, I haven't been a girl for years, and I don't really want to be again.

I like the suggestion of introducing yourself from EmilyF. That seems nicely informative without being rude.

be happy they acknowledge you at all

Some folks who deal with a large volume of customers/clients may have trouble remembering names, so the generic "hon" or "dear" could be their way of extending a friendly greeting. Personally I'd rather be called hon or dear than the dreaded "ma'am." At age 44 it makes my day when someone calls me "miss" even if they're just sucking up for a good tip!

I completely agree. Being called honey, sweetie or anything like that has always really bothered me. I would never address someone I respected with these names. Unless a person is my grandmothers age that uses these names towards someone much younger I find it innapropriate, not to mention condescending and unproffesional .

If this sort of thing offends a person it makes me wonder how he or she gets through the day.

I use hon or sweetie often. I almost never say "you girls," I always say "you ladies." I work in 14 different offices, I cant learn everyone's names. Its just a nicer way of saying "Hey you."

I'm a Boston guy, 35, presently living in Atlanta GA. Everyone calls me Hon, or honeychild or some other innane thing here.

It's annoying, but better then when they call my office mate "Boy". I'm not kidding, he gets called "Boy" quite often. He's learned to stop complaining.

When I was younger, I tended to be a formal and boundary-aware person - perhaps overly so. But I now think these salutations are a welcome respite from a sanitized and often cold world. I frequently use these terms of endearment with "strangers" that I interact with, and enjoy the warmth when someone addresses me as such. I truly believe it brings people a little closer together. As the song suggests, "try a little tenderness." It will lighten your mood and brighten your day!

I find it a bit odd. But like "ma'am," I generally feel that the forced familiarity is an attempt at being polite and welcoming, not belittling. I admit, though, that context makes a huge difference. I grew up in the south and find it so much more normal down there than up here. I am admittedly more likely to feel annoyed when addressed as "hon" or "sweetie" by a male employee than a female employee. I expect that kind of faux familiarity in a hair salon, but not at a bank or grocery store. Of course, at the bank, they call me by my first name (which I don't use) and at the grocery store, as long as they don't squish my food through stupid bagging (bread and bananas never go on the bottom, ever), I'm happy.

So, in sum, weird, but not malicious, and context is important. To me.

I absolutely HATE being called 'hon', 'sweetie' or anything else like that, I'd much rather be called 'ma'am'. And I correct every single person that calls me that - nicely. I usually tell them I am not their ",,," , only my husband can say that to me and to please either say "ma'am" or my first name.

The other thing I also HATE is that no-one says "thank you" at the register. It's a grunt, or "here you go", "have a nice one" and I do have come backs for them. One store (supermarket) I finally complained to the manager about how rude it was. After all, if people stopped shopping there, many people would be out of a job plus the supermarket across the street has everyone saying "thank you". He didn't even realize that the cashiers were not trained to say "thank you". Well, DUH!! And yes, now they do.

A lot of the responses seem to be from women and some even appear to have the impression that these greetings are used mostly on women. I'm a 20-something male and I get "hon'ed" all the time by middle-aged or older women at the grocery store, out to eat, etc. They're always delivered with a smile and it doesn't bother me. If I were the same age as these women would I receive the same little pet names? I don't know, but either way I see nothing malicious behind the terms. I think the people using these terms are just trying to create a welcoming environment and I find it unfortunate some people can be so put off by it.

A lot of this type of greeting is very regional (see Baltimore above) and sometimes generational. On "Friends," Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe often called each other Honey or Sweetie, something friends in my generation (older than the "friends") would not do. As Darwin said in comment 14, it has to do with the speaker, not the speakee.

I think it is totally inappropriate. It is as objectionable when a construction worker does it when a stranger trying to sell me underwear does. The only person(s) who calls me "hon" or "sweetie" (my mother or husband) earned the privilege. Most of the comments seem to say it really too much to expect more, and customers are just witchy if they don't like it, and/or we should be grateful for any acknowledgement at all. I think it is tacky and won't buy anything who calls me "hon" or "sweetie".

get over yourself. they are simply trying to be nice.

yeah try not to be so stuck up on yourself - it is just someone being nice

they are are your server - not your servant

i am sure if you seek them out there are places that will take money to fufill your need for "respect"

i bet you do not think these people are your equal - do you ?
the snobbery and elitism in the Boston area is sadly legendary

I think anyone who would find these terms offensive of demeaning is getting waaay too jiggy about something very trivial.

In this world where everyone is lamenting the lack of small-town neighborhood friendliness, isn't it refreshing when someone is actually warm enough to use such a tender greeting (even if perhaps for them it's just a faster and easier way to address shoppers)?

Besides, some people are raised to use "hon" and "sweetie." We all know folks like this. So why spend your precious energy trying to educate or change someone else's behavior...when they're simply trying to be nice to you?

Especially here in the traditionally cold and distant Northeast, let's embrace the snippets of hospitality sent our way and not be so quick to be offended or belittled. Like my Aunt Janice says, "Get over it."

I think you need to lighten up, hon.

Unless they call you some four-letter offensive word or address you in a negative way, treat it as a positive. Honestly, being called "hon", "dear", "sweetie", etc... shows that they are a person and not a drone of the system.

Stop being so sensitive.

You know what's worse. "May i help you young man." I'm pushing seventy. The phrase shouldn't be used on anyone over eleven.

Eh, I agree with other posters - it's a little odd, maybe even inappropriately intimate, but so what? It's well-meant and friendly, and erring on the side of too much friendliness is just fine with me.

I experience a variation of this which I don't much like, but understand: everyone in my pediatrician's office - and other places which cater to my kids - calls me Mom. I get that the nurses, PAs, secretaries, etc. can't learn everyone's names, and that even looking down at the chart and noticing that my kids' last name is Smith doesn't help them know whether or not my name is Mrs. Smith, or Ms. Smith-Jones, or whatever. But it still kind of weirds me out to have all these random people say "OK Mom, we're ready for you now," "Mom, take his diaper off and put him on the scale," "Ellen, please write Mom a prescription for amoxycillin." I'm all about my mom-role, and I don't feel like I've lost my individual identity as I've taken it on...except for the occasional moment in the doctor's office when it seems that all the Moms are interchangeable. But it's nothing I need to address (other than a brief vent here, I guess). It's just a strange little thing I acknowledge and find off-putting and that's it.

Others have made great suggestions about how to move the interaction from Hon to a name. Do that, if you're fussed. But this just isn't a very fussing problem, in my opinon.

Dear Senior Citizen - don't look now, but you've become a grumpy old lady. These people are being nice to you and you're being rude by not allowing them to do so. Get a grip, unless you want to end all alone with your TV in some god-forsaken little room somewhere.

In the past people who worked in service positions addressed patrons as "Sir", "Ma'am" or "Miss." When these were deemed to be too demeaning to the employees, as artifacts of class differences rejected by the racial/ethnic/gender awareness movements, people had to come up with subsitutes. Hon or "hen" actually have a long history of use in this fashion (among the working classes when addressing each other) in the northern parts of England and in Scotland. Just as in the situation you described, they have spread, and people are protesting. Recently, some local governments have tried to outlaw the use of these "endearments" as demeaning.

What is the solution? Other than going back to 'ma'am" and "sir"? That's our best bet, but businesses would probably face rebellions from employees. Perhaps we should all wear nametags with our desired appellations, all the time.

I must note that when I patronize a business where the personnel use the polite forms of address, I do tend to buy more....

As a 25 year old female, I dislike being called "hon, sweetie, dear" etc by men. To me, it seems demeaning. I get to choose who calls me those terms and when I decide to give it to them it should be taken as a privilege.

This weekend, for instance, I was in a grocery store parking lot and these two guys yelled out their window (as they were backing out), "Hey Beautiful, we'll be out of your way soon" and then some other stuff that I didn't pay attention too. Some people might think that's flattering and it can be, but in that manner it's demeaning. And, frankly, I only want my boyfriend to call me beautiful--other men can just think it ;-).

I can't say I feel the same way when a woman uses those terms... I still don't love it, but it's less demeaning. Maybe that's a double standard...

lol, "earned the privilege"
They're trying to be nice. They're trying to show that they care about you.
Ma'am, Miss, and Sir seem very cold and institutional.
I couldn't care less what a cashier or salesperson calls me, as long as they acknowledge me in a kind manner.
People also hate being called Ma'am or Sir, but this is what some people believe to be respectful, so they use it.
In the end- how do you expect a person to know what they should call you unless you tell them what your preference is?
And when you tell them your preference, don't do in a mean way ("I'm not your sweetie.") Simply say "Thank you, but I prefer ma'am/miss/sir/my first name/ms. lastname/mr. lastname/mrs.lastname"

They're trying to be nice. Nobody who says that thinks that they really think they're your sweetie or hon. It's a way for them to be warm without being personal. They call everyone "hon" and...it's their way.

Remember Flo from Mel's Diner?

I think of it as warmth and am happy when I get a cashier who's kind to me and treats me like a human being. I'll take the "hon" over a scowl any day.

MelissaJane, LOL!!! The mom thing is such a weird one! I love your "Mom, take his diaper off" example. My favorite is when the doctor says to my son, "Mom and I have been discussing XYZ." I always want to say, "Hey, you're not my husband!"

I'm disturbed a bit by the posters who say variations of "you're an elitist jerk if you don't like being called hon," or "this is so trivial, get a life." People are allowed to have preferences for how they are referred to, and there is nothing wrong, elitist, or trivial about it. We all have preferred modes of address.

The problem is that we can't expect strangers to know those preferred modes of address; some are offended at "ma'am," some at "hon," some at the use of first names. That puts servers and retail help in a difficult position, as they have to refer to us customers somehow. So I assume that servers and retail help simply use the mode of address that they find most natural for themselves. I usually do not correct anyone who calls me "sweetie" (though I'd rather not be called sweetie by men who are not my husband). But if in a particular circumstance or context it bothers me enough, I simply ask, politely, that they use my name (and I would of course remind them what my name is).

I get called Mom at the vets "Aww..do you want to go to Mommy now?"
I don't see a problem with being called Hon, Dear and whatever else, unless the intent is to be less than nice (i.e. "Ok HONEY, whatever!", "Listen, HONEY...").
I know a lot of people that have issues with it. To be truthful, "ma'am" bothers me more (or in my case, "sir", as I have very short hair!)

i think it's a way to break the ice between people... it DOES NOT mean lack of respect in anyway... but it seems that here in New England everyone is PMSing... and get offended when getting compliments... LOL

Whats wrong with saying "hi ladies, or how are you women doing, if the women are young, how about, how are you guys? Young women always say "hi guys to their female friends. If the woman is alone, ma'am is appropriate. Can I take your order please, is best in any restaurant, rather than "hello" "nice day" "how are you". I'm there to catch up with my friend and its irritating to have to interrupt us and put us on the spot to answer them. And how about all the phone calls and I'm addressed as Mrs. followed by my last name. I'm not a Mrs. and I hate it, I'm single and resent the assumption.
We don't use Mister or Madam. Imagine when I was a girl that my mother called my teacher, (nun) hon, sweetie, etc. No, I can't imagine that.
I can't stand when couples stop using eachothers' names and only use sweeheart, darling, honey, babe, baby, love or whatever. Just use their first name in public. It is sickening to me. They can save their love talk for when they are alone. I also don't like mom and dad, just because you are with your children.
If you know someone's name, then ask them what they want you to call them, and if you don't, then just say "sir" or ma'am". Its simple and respectful and is the code in the military. Amen.

Why do people assume the LW is a woman? I am a female in my 30s and get "hon"-ed all the time...as do my husband, and my father-in-law, and my parents. It's just an attempt to be friendly and has nothing to do with age or gender. I think it's kind of nice to hear some warmth creeping into customer service around here. It's so much more common in other parts of the country. I worked with a woman who moved here from Texas and she called every caller honey, darling, sweetie, or some other term of endearment and our clients just loved her for it.

They're being nice! Besides, I got called that when I was a teenager and then again in my 40s. It stops in your 20s and 30s for some reason.

When I was in my 30s I went to England and they called me "luv." Makes me smile. When they were being snooty they said "madam." I think "hon" and "maam" are the equivalent here and I'll take hon!

Its all in the tone, not the words themselves, though naturally there is always at least one button that people have which sets them off. For me, I hate being called 'kid' by anyone, in any context.

If someone wants to call me hon, or sweetie, it doesn't hurt me in any way. It does seem a little wierd when I get it from younger women or men, but then I was born and raised in NH, so it was typically only elderly women who ever used those phrases.

Have a heart for the person behind the counter! They see a million people and have to meet all their demands, big and small. If they do that to maintain an upbeat attitude and remain friendly, well then growling about being called hon is really making a big deal over somebody trying to be nice. To those saying to use somebody's name, who in the supermarket knows your name?!?!? Or remembers it? Is Ma'am any better? If you can't stand a bit of informality, or somebody calling you hon, you just come across as being incredibly stuck up,

Personally, I'm not bothered by "hon" or "ma'am" (I'm 32), or many of the other things listed above. I am somewhat bothered by the insinuation in some of the comments that simply because someone didn't INTEND to be offensive, they weren't, or that one shouldn't take offense. One's intentions don't determine how offensive (or not) one's actions are to others.

Oh people...people...

How are we ever going to become the evolved, peaceful society we hope to be if everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about something so obviously NOT a big deal??

So it bugs you -- c'mon now. Pick your battles, I say! And save getting offended for the truly big things that matter. The world will be a lot more contented if everyone just took a deep breath and reminded themselves what really matters in this life.

I don't like it when people call me those names, they don't really mean it to be friendly, it's bad manners passing for friendliness. I don't say something all the time, it depends on the delivery. Why does anyone have to say anything anyways (hey I like that). And we are NOT unfriendly in New England, we just don't like: loud talkers, fake people, etc. We are very reserved & respectful of other peopless spaces........and that's a good thing. I never liked all that southern fakeness. My sister lives in the south (40 years) and says it's all just fake.

Don't call me "dad", I'm not your father, or "mom" one who is not your mother.
When did that get started, no one addressed my parents as that except their own children. Sir and ma'am are correct. All the other phoney junk is just that. Believe it or not, I'm a very lovable guy, but nonsense is just nonsense.

I find the name, Hon, Dear, Sweetie, etc. very condescending.

I wish there was a way to instruct the public not to use these words when addressing anyone (not just older folks when it is even more insulting!)

The only time I get annoyed at being called hon or sweetie or dear is if the person saying it is a man and he's looking at my breasts or being lascivious about it. But, the vast majority of the time, the people calling me hon, etc., mean it in a nice and I don't mind. In fact, I don't even think they are consciously trying to create a homey atmosphere - they probably grew up callng people hon and dear and to them it's just a regular part of speech, like me calling a group of friends "guys" or "you guys," even if they're all female. I went to school in the south and i got ragged on for that (good naturedly, of course), but I felt awkward saying y'all.

I know some people get really offended at being called hon, etc., and some women get offended when they're in a group of women and get called "guys," but honestly, there's no good one-size-fits-all solution here. I used to work as a service person (grcoery store cashier, McD's cashier, Sears sales associate) and I would call people older than me sir or ma'am, but now that I'm 38, I have no idea what I'd call them. Probably nothing.

I think using "hon" and "sweetie" is nice - it is casually affectionate, like a smile. - something people don't do much here! I am always warmly jolted when someone addresses me like that, even if it's unsmiling. LOL

Beats "sugarlips."

I lived down south for a while and the rules were super clear. In most place if you were over 25, it was "sir" and "ma'am". If you looked younger than that or were in a very casual restaurant then it was "hon" or "dear" or if the waitress was middle aged she might call you "child".

People up here often bite your head off if you say "ma'am" or "sir" ~~ so people who work with the public are left with less than adequate terms like "youse guys" or "gals". Instead of biting peoples’ heads off or getting all huffy, can folks just tell the person what they want to be called? It is so unfair to play this guessing game.

BTW, "you all" is never used in the singular. It always refers to two or more people.

Given how so many people feel about "ma'am" around here (here being the north, not this blog), it could be that "hon," "sweetie," and "dear" are just a slightly misguided way of offering courtesy. Unfortunately, these terms don't carry the necessary note of respect. I don't mind it, but I wouldn't do it either.

I'm a 34 year old woman and don't usually mind someone calling me Hon or Sweetie. I usually get it from older women and I'm not as fond of it when it comes from a man or other people my own age but a lot of that depends on the delivery. Most of the time, I only hear it when I go to certain places like diners and restaurants (think small, long-established greasy spoons).

I think it's probably too casual for use in most retail settings (I work in retail and wouldn't use those terms unless I really knew the customer well) but I certainly wouldn't worry about it if someone addressed me that way.

I HATE being called hun, honey or anything of the sorts. Some words just make you cringe, like Moist! I work in the service industry and just say excuse me if i'm trying to get someones attention.

I think I'd agree with Adam at 12:06 that it's all in the tone. In these cases it's probably no harm intended, but also could do no harm to introduce yourself by name if that is preferable for you.

Regarding the greeting "girls", it seems that if there were a group of senior women having lunch or coffee together, a greeting of "girls" from the waitress could just be playful and endearing, and not intended to demean or disrespect. But I have not made it to senior citizen-hood yet and I may feel differently in 40 years or so.

Try living in the south, "hon" is nothing compared to "sweet cheeks" "baby girl" "love" "darling"
and I'm old

It's way better than the totally insincere "Have a Nice Day!" that you often get at the checkouts.

It depends on who's saying it, and what the tone of voice is, but I agree with other readers, it's doubtful that anyone is saying it with unkind intentions, so lighten up. It's like being insulted when someone calls you ma'am. I agree with Sally, ma'am and sir are terms of respect, people! I had a boarder, younger than I was, from down south and he called me ma'am and at first it was very jarring. I asked him to please not feel he needed to do that, he looked like I kicked him. So, I got used to it. I just wish people would RELAX and not be so thin-skinned and take offense at every little thing. Life's too short.

I think in most cases, terms like "hon" or "sweetie" aren't meant with any disrespect, but they certainly can be and are used that way by a lot of people. For example, many men use terms like these with women who aren't their significant others, and it's meant in a belittling, demeaning, patronizing, or dismissive fashion.

But, even if the people the LW is referring to aren't intending to be demeaning, rude, etc., that doesn't matter - they ARE. Rudeness isn't necessarily in intent, it's determined by the recipient. I don't think it's rude when my great-uncle Gene calls me "babe", but I sure do when some random person on the street refers to me that way - even if ze meant it as a compliment.

And, as others have said, everyone has their own preferred modes of address. Since they're different for everyone, you can't reasonably expect a service professional - or anyone else you know or meet - to know what yours are. You have to take some responsibility to kindly and politely let them know, and some people up-thread have already suggested good ways to do that. However, there is some responsibility on the other sidd - if someone has let you know that they prefer being called "THIS" and not "THAT", then it's on you to make the effort and use their preferred mode of address. That goes for names, nicknames, pronouns, the whole bit.

An adult male whom you do not know is addressed as "sir."
An adult female whom you do not know is addressed as either "miss" or "ma'am." It can be pretty dicey trying to figure out which one to use. I usually err on the side of age. I work in food service and I've never had any woman complain when I called her "ma'am." I just can't imagine calling people I don't know "hon" or "sweetie". It's not the way I was trained.

Do women feel old when addressed as "ma'am"? I don't; I just recognize it for what it is: the polite form of address. English has only one 2nd person pronoun, "you" whereas other languages have formal and familiar forms of address (e.g. Spanish "usted" used with strangers and people you respect and "tú" used with family and friends.)

I lived in DC for a while, and I loved it when guys (both my age and much older) called me "hon" or "sweetie" or "baby" in passing as they avoided my cart in the supermarket, delivered food, etc. It's usually VERY clear when someone means it in a demeaning way, and that is not okay. But what is that line? "We all need a little tenderness in such a graceless age..."

I do not see how it can be condescending when said with a kind smile.

They can call me anything they want.....just don't call me LATE FOR LUNCH!!!!!

Hon doesn't seem offensive, but addressing a group of women as guys, as in "are you guys ready to order?" should be grounds for dismissal.

What I don't like is going to a restaurant and the waitress just addresses my husband as if I don't exist. He is good looking, has a great smile and is in his 60's, but the women love him. He does not promote this attitude, but there are times I have felt like saying "he's taken - move on." The rest of the annoying quotes are "what can I get you guys?" I truly believe most people are trying to be friendly, but there are limits on what is appropriate.

I love being called honey, dear. At least they are trying to be nice. You know what I hate, when I ask for Sweet and Sour sauce with my nuggets, and don't get any, know that really really offends me....

I'm a 30-something female, and I hate it when strangers call me "Sweetie", "Hon," or "Dear." I don't mind "Miss" (which is technically incorrect, since I'm married) or "Ma'am."

On the other hand, having worked in the service industry most of my life, I know most people who say "Hon" or "Dear" are trying to be friendly, and have probably had their heads bitten off when they used "Sir" or "Ma'am." Sometimes, you just can't win.

I work in a formal office Mon- Fri 9 to 5. On Sunday I have a part time job at a local general store. I grew up a few miles down the road from this store and have known, if not the person, his or her family for years. It is a very laid back place. I often call my "favorite" customers hon or sweetie. It is not related to age or gender and is not meant as an insult or in a negative way. Just the opposite really. The other clerks at this store do the same thing. We all hope our favorites know this is our term of endearment to them and is not meant badly at all. If you don't like it please share your name and I will call you that instead.

It's the elderly employees who would use the "hon" and "sweetie", because back in their day that was acceptable. I don't think they mean any disrespect, and we are much, much younger then they are after all. That elderly person is probably working to pay for the high cost of medication these days or because he/she is very lonely, probably standing for hours, with some bad case of arthritis or a bit dizzy from the blood pressure meds, and having to deal with the snappy and rude customers nowadays. Now, think of your grandmother and won't you just let it slide?

A friend of mine and I (both grandmothers!) had lunch at a well-known place in Dahlonega (GA) a few weeks ago and were repeatedly addressed as "girls" by the waitress: "Is there anything else I can bring you, girls?", "How's everything, girls?" Well, this "girl" will not ever set foot in that establishment again. I don’t think my friend will, either.

Then, just a week ago, my younger daughter (a 30-something married woman) and I were having brunch at J. Cristopher's in Duluth (GA) and the waitress kept addressing me as "sweetie". My daughter had a bit of fun with this until she too was being addressed as "sweetie". Another place I won't be going back to! And neither will my daughter.

Restaurant owners either do a poor job training their staffs, or else they train them in this idiocy thinking it will endear us to them. Not!

I'm a 36 yr. old woman, and I've always enjoyed hearing this when I travel (usually from older, southern women). It's just so obvious that it's meant pleasantly. To snark back with a correction (even a polite correction) is just so mean-spririted and adds something unnecessarily negative to a quick, social exchange. So no matter how old you are or what gender, I would just assume the best (not that it's meant degradingly, overly familiarly, or whatever) and smile back. Is it REALLY worth being just a little bit rude to someone who is (no doubt) working hard for not enough money, waiting on the public. Just be nice.

i am a 56-year old man and find it flattering to be called 'hon' by women of any age.

When waitresses and salesladies call me "hon" I just pretend they are calling me "Hun" -- as in "Attila the ~". This makes me feel fierce and legendarily powerful. I nod in a thoughtful manner, wish them a good day, and spare them my awesome and terrible wrath, which I'm sure they appreciate.

It's strange and obnoxious to me. My reaction (in my head--I never verbalize it) is: "How do you know I'm sweet? You don't know me?"

'It's strange and obnoxious to me.
How do you know I'm sweet? You don't know me?"
Hanna, Poor, Poor Hanna:
You've said enough to conclude you aren't sweet, Hon!

Funny you say that, sceesic, because being sweet is honestly the most frequent comment I receive I about my character. My point is that people make judgments of others based on so little information. Just because the topic is obnoxious to me doesn't mean I'm not sweet, it just means in my case that I am curious as to how people draw their conclusions.

A male coworker (a peer) calls all women honey. I can't stand it. He also happens to be gay, so it's not a sexual thing, but I don't care if you're male, female, gay, or straight: DO NOT call me honey, sweetie, or anything like that. Coming from my co-worker, it just sounds condescending, not friendly. I'm a very youthful looking 42, by the way.

Where I live, it's extremely common to greet people with endearments, so I never think anything of it - EXCEPT AT WORK.

I work in a male-dominated area, and frequently people who don't expect to hear a woman's voice will call and say "sir". The minute I respond and they hear my obviously female voice they switch to "honey" or "sweetie" or "dear".

If you would call a man "sir" then the appropriate thing to call me is ma'am, not sweetie. Sweetie is fine in the grocery store. It's not fine when I'm in a position of authority and deserve the same respect as the male coworker sitting alongside me.

I think people do that more out of habit than anything else. They haven't singled you out; they call everyone "hon" or "sweetie," regardless of age. I think part of employees' training should include calling women "ma'am" and men "sir." It's certainly more professional. There's a time and place to speak familiarly with people and work is not one of them.

Sue (#77) - The reason female servers ignore you is because it's still assumed the man will pick up the tab; flirt with him, he might leave a bigger tip. Old-fashioned? Yoy betcha. Sexist? Definitely. I find the maler servers are much more professional, but some do occassionally flirt with my man.

I have no dog in this fight. What I don't like is the grunts, or being ignored by sales clerks while they chat on their cell phones, complaining about how many more hours they have left to work. Also, no-one counts change back anymore. Just plain laziness on management's part - or they never learned themselves, or they don't want to spend the money in training. Notice how at TJ Maxx, clerks have to call managers Mrs., Miss, Mr. so and so.

Several people have alluded to ma'am being an offensive term of address. Could those offended please explain why?

To Melissa Jane: Because it makes me feel OLD.

I'm sure the federal government will pass a law to fix this

Alright Sweeties...everyone needs to read #83 over and over until it sinks in.

"...and the world will be a better place.
Put a little love in your heart."

@93 - Ma'am is often used as a term of address for "older" women. For those women in the undefinable age category (often late 20s to early 40s) it can be prematurely aging and thus offensive. Re hon, if it is said in a strong Boston accent or delivered by a blue-collar worker, I don't mind at all, from anyone else, I find it inexplicably enraging.

To Melissa Jane, #93: It is odd; it does bother me, and I think it's because it makes me feel old. Old and formal and distant, instead of young and casual and included.

#85 Dmajor: HAAAAHAHAHAHAHA. Brilliant.

As a 21-yr-old, in professional situations, I don't appreciate being called "sweetie" or "hon" by colleagues because it means they still see me as a kid, not a co-worker. Granted, I am young and less experienced, but if I work WITH you, I'd like to be taken seriously.

In other situations, I don't really mind it. Waiters and waitresses, for instances, are running around and can't learn names of everyone in the restaurant. They could call me hon - and I'd appreciate a lovely regional accent, whether it's "Southern" or Mass or Maine (thinking of Offshore Flo from the Non Sequitur comics). I'd be more offended by undeservedly horrible service, or as others have mentioned, a rude tone.

On another topic, I dislike "Babe" entirely. This is entirely personal and I think it comes from a past experience I can't quite remember. Call me "Babe" and I will give you the death stare.

It sounds like they are addressing small children or speaking down to people. In Maine its been going on for years.

I find it odd that the LW says he just he just noticed it recently and that it comes mostly from women of younger generations. I find that I am called this mostly by older men. I don't get offended by it. I just chalk it up to a way of addressing younger women that they grew up with.
However, I do agree in some situations, having younger people call you by such a term is not appropriate. I think some people do it out of habit. But some do seem to mean it to be condescending. I once had an employee who insisted on calling me and everyone else in our dept, "HON". It made us all very uncomfortable. She was spoken to about it several times and she kept doing it.

Walk into any Waffle House restaurant, and you will be "hon"-ed. I think it's nice. And it is a Southern thing, I agree. When speaking fondly about New Orleans, I always say, "How can you hate a place where everybody calls you "baby"? "

I am 52 and work part time at a grocery store and i say hon to all my customers and ask them how their day was and etc. There is nothing calling your customers hon or sweetie and the guys handsome. it makes their day

Lighten up! It is NOT meant to be condescending! They just talk that way to everyone and are trying to be nice. Who cares what they call their 'really honey'. Maybe they call him by his name. They don't know your name. They're not coming on to you! They're not being rude! They are being FRIENDLY. If that makes you uncomfortable you've got some serious confidence issues.

It might be annoying, but not worth getting your panties in a bunch. I do agree with the other posts, though, it is nicer than barely being acknowledged as you are waited on.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've been called far worse than "hon" or "sweetie."

Most of the people up here are so rude, I'd be thrilled with 'hon' if I were you.

Have to be honest...didn't fully read ALL the compliments. But as someone who actually worked in retail and remembers those 7 years not too fondly (you wonder how cashiers get an attitude it's by having to deal with all the worst sorts of people day in and day out who think we have magical powers over prices and inventory), I sort of take offense at the sentiments that A) we're somehow demeaned by referring to someone as ma'am or sir. B) that our goodbyes of "have a nice day" "enjoy the holiday season" etc etc etc are taken as insincere.

While I'd prefer to address someone as ma'am or sir, my experience in the northeast is that the person on the other side will throw a conniption and complain to management and then write into an etiquette columnist about the OUTRAGE they have experienced by being addressed as such. So that leaves less formal, more familiar terms of address (which people also don't like). What are our cashiers, waitstaff, etc supposed to call us? You?

If this is someone the LW knows well, as in a cashier or waiter/waitress who ALWAYS cashes the LW out or waits on the LW, then a gentle correction might be ok....if it's a smallish town. But quite honestly if it's a city, that person would have to be in the same time every day for me to remember their name. You know what happens then, MissC gets a letter from the LW about how s/he always has to remind the waitstaff or cashiers of his/her name....

I've always, and still do work in service industries in the midwest. I also find "hon" and "sweetie" and other intimate nicknames to be invasive, condescending and unprofessional in the workplace. Sir and Ma'am are not demeaning to those saying it, only polite. Calling me "hon" when I don't even know you is assuming a level of intimacy that does not exists. I've actually found, after being both behind the counter and answering the phone, that you don't NEED to refer to people as anything if you don't know their name. Erring on the side of restraint will generally serve you well in keeping customers happy. "Excuse me", or "May I help you" work just as well without anything tacked onto the end, and in fact sound more professional. Friendliness? That's something conveyed in the tone of voice and body language, regardless of the words. I can also tell you that when it comes to customer service, the fact that so many people are offended by endearments from total strangers should be enough to ban them in employees. It doesn't matter whether or not you think their taking offense is justified, or whether you agree with them. Customer service isn't always based on logic, it's based on customers. If they're offended, you should retrain your employees. Is it really a principle worth losing business over? Even if you think it's silly? I doubt it.

See, I just don't have any sympathy for the people who say that being called ma'am makes them feel old. The fact that you are insecure about the aging process, and dislike having attention called to the fact that you are no longer 18, does not make calling you ma'am rude. What IS the polite form of address you'd prefer, for heaven's sake? Madam? Madame? Your Youthful Hipness? Pity the poor servers and clerks, for they can do no right here.

I'll put in a vote FOR 'Ma'am', for any adult woman.
Assuming that the reason you're speaking to the lady at all is that you're trying to help her, but don't know her name, it seems as natural and respectful-but-not-obsequious as the equivalent 'Sir'.
(And I'm thought Senator Boxer erred in making an issue of it, failing to take account the military training of the gentleman seated in front of her. He was perfectly respectful.)
'Hon' I take to be the speaker's accommodation to addressing dozens or hundreds of strangers a day, and/or part of their culture I wouldn't bother trying to change.

'Miss', where I come from, is what rude people call a waitress, so I wince if it's directed at me.

Yesterday, a NY State Thruway tolltaker called me "Muffin". Then he wished me "safe travels". This happened about 10 minutes after I had come very, very close to hitting a deer that darted across the highway. You know what, after that, I didn't care that he called me by the same name as a breakfast pastry and I took his wish for safe travels to heart.

I used to be an HR professional for a large corporation. My office was in the same vicinity as a huge pool of clerical workers who called everyone, "Hon". Yes, the educated, PC me was offended. But I got over it. Somehow, it made me feel good. And now tat I'm getting awfully close to 40, I savor those times when I get called "Muffin" or "Sweetheart". There may be a day when that no longer happens.

I know this post has been responded to already, but I just happened upon this blog this morning and wanted to weigh in. For the last three years I worked for a public library, and I intend to make a career out of it. I am a young (20's) married woman and I have been called "hon" "sugar" "sweetheart" "darlin'"...well, you get the idea. The worst was an older man who insisted on referring to me as "young lady" or "young girl" even though he knows my name. I finally put an end to that by informing him (lightheartedly of course) that I would start calling him "old man" if it continued. Needless to say, he remembered to use my name after that :)