Monday question: Mom's on Facebook!

When my son went to college, and joined FB, he let me use his password to go on. Then & now, the only reason I'm interested in FB is because I'm interested in him! It was fine for the for the first 3 yrs. In fact, we probably saved his butt a number of times, counselling (ahem) him to remove certain pictures, etc that could be used against him. OK, so we were fine, UNTIL, I saw that he was planning to throw a party, the w/e of Thanksgiving, when we his 'rents, were going to be out of town. (Whose idea was that in the 1st place?!) And then I lost my FB privileges. And I do miss having that peek into his life. And now, 1.5yrs later,hesays if I want to join FB he would friend me. But I haven't done it. And I have aquaintannces that are on FB> I haven't done it, because I think it's not my "scene". Same w. Trwitter, which I tried out. The only reason would be to friend my son, and I don't want to do it. I think it's incasive, which is funny to me. It's alright if he lets me on his acct., but I dont' want to be on any other way!

My 32 year old daughter encouraged me to join facebook. I did, and have befriended several of her friends and a few of my nieces. I am kind of shocked at the language used and jokes, but I keep that to myself. My sister told me that her daughter had to clean up her facebook before she could accept me. Perhaps its a good thing to have adults involved in some of these activities. You have to be open-minded and remember this is a different generation and era, and to accept what you see and keep it to yourself. It is rather nice that they have accepted me, and I am treated no differently than anyone else. I love being on facebook and have found a lot of my old friends and its so nice communicating with them. Facebook should be used for this purpose only and not to |snoop|.

Ahhh... My brother and I have blatantly told our parents we wouldn't FB friend either of them. I did just help my mother to create her own Gmail account so now we can have private discussions (instead of sending everything to my parents' joint e-mail account). You know, girl-chat stuff, like searching for that adorable clutch from Target pictured in Boston's "Something Blue" wedding article. I do send multiple family members links to my Facebook photo albums (the ones that document my travels, not social events) because I like FB's photo album platform... in the 10 months of doing so, no family members have added me, so I guess they probably never will.

Could the writer make her mother on a separate "friends list" (This has been mentioned a few times) and restrict access to her wall posts, etc.? If Mom gets upset about the change, the writer could always respond, "But I prefer to share the details of my life with you over Skype/the phone/in person!"

Robin, I will "become a fan" of you when it's ready!! Although my fb language is currently set to English (Pirate) so the actual action is "Show [me] pride" and then "hoist the flag o'..." (I recommend giving it a try, it's endlessly amusing!)

I decided to join Facebook and had my daughter friend me. I like looking at the pictures that people post and conversing with some of my co-workers at night. I do find out a lot, but only because my daughter's boyfriend post everything on FB. I haven't asked many people to be my friend, but most of my kids' friends (my kids are in the 30s) see me on their and invite me to be their friend. It's been nice only because I've known all these kids since they were 5, so it's nice to see how they're doing, how many kids they have, where they're living and, in some cases, I pass on my wishes to their parents who I haven't seen in awhile. I don't spend a lot of time...just check it out at night for about 15 min. and that's it. But, I think it's a great way to stay connected to family members, especially when they're out of state.

It'd be pretty harsh to stick it to your mom and not let her be friends with you on facebook. What you should do is just conduct yourself as you would in public and not worry about it too much after that. Unless you're living some kind of double life or an existence she doesn't know about, it'll be fine.

Remember, FB is quickly knocking down traditional "private" walls anyway. Just recognize and treat it as a public image and it won't mess with your head too much.

My thought is that she is assuming a lot about how her mom uses facebook, and what her mother's motivations are. Her mom lives 3000 miles away -- this is a way to keep in touch. A way to say hello, to see if there is news, etc. That's not really looking over her shoulder or critiquing anything. It does not mean that her mom will call her up and say "what did so-and-so mean when she said 'x' on your wall?" It just means she misses her daughter and FB is a great way to feel connected with people you rarely get to see.

Is there more to the mother-daughter relationship here than the LW says? Does the LW feel that mom has been judgmental or really nosy or meddlesome? If so, that could explain her hesitation. That the husband is actually avoiding FB entirely suggests there is a bigger issue in the relationship with the mom. It does seem as if she (and husband) are hiding from mom. In which case, FB is not the issue. The relationship is. I would suggest thinking more about the relationship and what the problems are, and trying to address them -- rather than focusing on FB as the Big Issue to resolve. Focusing on FB and finding a way not to be "friends" with your mother seems to be a massive avoidance tactic to me.

Personally i don't understand the fascination with Facebook. Never will. My advise is simple. your personal life is not your personal life if you are posting things online. I don't have a facebook account and never will. we do not need it to get by in life. so in my opinion the answer is simple. GEt off facebook and actually get a life.

"I am uncomfortable that she can now peek into my private social life and eavesdrop on all my conversations."

LW, you DO realize that you are doing this on Facebook/The Internet, right? Nothing on Facebook is private. Your friends (who I'm guessing you have quite a few of) all see your "private social life" when you post it up there.

Also, having your mom able to see what you are writing probably helps keep you from putting up anything that could come back to bite you later, anyway. Keep the truly private chats in person or on the phone, maybe even email (although email can most certainly become "not private" very easily), and not on Facebook.

I just got facebook, to look at the pictures my daughter is posting from oversees. I never read her other stuff or friend anyone she knows. That's her life. I didn't even want facebook but I wanted to see her pictures of Europe where she is studing and her younger sister go tired of showing me the pics. Said younger sister signed me on to facebook to get rid of me. It is just an easier way to share pictures. But at their age their lives are their lives, and their friends are their friends, not mine.

I'm friends'd with my mom on facebook, but I don't post much private information up there. I agree with one of the previous commenters. Facebook isn't private. In fact, pretty much anything you put out on the internet is not private once it's there.

LW's husband does not have to add his MIL to his list if he doesn't want to. Just tell her you're not comfortable adding her. If she gets huffy, that's her problem. It is your personal decision. (As a note, you can unfriends people without telling them you are.) Personally, I'm fairly lax about adding folks to my list, but that's my choice. Yours may be different

My mother friended me too...but- i've blocked her from seeing any of my updates, anything people post to my wall, etc. Basically, If I can block her from it, I have. I didn't want to be rude by not accepting, and I do have other family members on my list, but they've got very limited access to what the can see.

You folks really need to educate yourselves on Facebook and the privacy settings and groups lists they offer. I have four:

Good Friends
Classmates
Family
Co-Workers

I have my CIO on there, my mother, and all my party friends. Certain people can only see certain things. For example, my co-workers can't even see my friend lists. Only my "good friends" can see pictures that are tagged of me. I have two sets of photo albums, "Nice" and "More than PG rated", which have appropriate settings behind both of them. Nobody can see if anyone were to comment on my status, in fact, my family and co-workers are restricted from my status updates all together.

Seriously. Learn about this wonderful took and use it like it's meant to be used -- and all the people in your life can co-exist quite nicely.

My dad is on facebook and is friends with me, our cousins who are on facebook (mostly my generation -- I'm 24) and many of my close childhood friends. To be honest, I don't think he even checks it that frequently. For me, it wasn't an issue deciding to friend him or not since I basically treat everything I put up on my profile as being public since it's on the internet.

My father is my FB friend, though I have set certain privacy functions so he can not see certain things. Regardless, my simple rule on the internet is: don't write what you don't want others to read, don't say what you don't want others to hear, and don't post anything you wouldn't want your co-workers, mother, father, spouse, grandmother, or boss to see. Would you post "I got drunk on Saturday" for anyone to see? I don't, and my worst enemy will never see anything other than banal posts like "I took my dog for a walk" or "I'm grilling hamburgers with the family."

Whatever FB's policy on privacy, what is on the web is going to be there for a long, long time. So don't post anything you don't want the world to see. Problem solved.

I don't see the big deal.

If my parents were on, I would still "friend" them and would go about my business like I normally do.

I have nothing to hide. I guess it matters more if you have developed an "adult" relationship with your parents or if it's still one where they need to hover over you.

What do you need to "hide" from your parents? I don't care if they see pictures of me at concerts or out at bars or doing stupid things. What's the big deal?

We're probably the biggest family on FB with 5 sisters, 18 nephews and nieces all over the globe from Australia to N. America, Southeast Asia, Europe, and the middle east - not to mention our first cousins from my dad's 12 siblings plus their children are also in it. We're one big family sharing our goings-on and we love it. None of that privacy crap. We're cool parents by the way so our children, nephews, and nieces don't mind sharing their social escapades, school life, and most of all their boyfriends and girlfriends. It's mostly educational really like my son just found out that his cousin overseas goes to school from 7-5pm while he goes to school here from 8 to 2:30pm. Or another teen-age cousin posted her school's European tour with classmates & got to visit another cousin in London. And another cousin's boyfriend overseas has to ask for her parents' permission every time they want to go on a date as a sign of respect and in order to win parent approval. And that's just going out to see a movie. To have a steady gf or bf doesn't mean you have sex. So much to learn via FB especially foreign culture.. just sit back, enjoy reading and the pictures ! and even get educated! It'll be good for when I travel!

I solved any potential problems by not using social networking at all. As you can see with some of the posts here, parents are complaining about their children's (even adult children's!) use of language, humor, photos, etc. Adults have a right to an identity and life separate from their family. Also, I find it bizarre that parents are 'friending' their adult children's friends. My sister is obsessed with social networking and stalks her own grown children and other relatives on FB.
At one point I planned a vacation and an in-law of a family member blabbed this all over FB. The next thing I knew the phone rang-it was a family member "Oh, I wasn't invited"-blah, blah, blah. What is more disturbing is that I don't know whose friends of friends of friends now knew my vacation plans-and my house was at risk of a break in. Also, as a parent of young children I find it careless that people (including some of my relatives) are posting so much information about their children (names, ages, schools, towns, sports teams)-just asking for trouble.

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Set her on limited profile so she can't see your wall, pictures, status updates, or other profile pieces you don't want her commenting on. Simple.

Or create yourself a second FB account and slowly move everyone but mom to that one.

sweetie - Do you have a better way that I can stay connected with friends from high school and college, as well as family members who live all over the country? Didn't think so. THAT is what makes Facebook so fascinating.

Hey gang--this is NOT going to turn into a Facebook-yea-or-nay discussion. We've been there and done that. Let's stick with the question at hand.

Nice essay on this very topic:

http://www.csmonitor.com/2009/0511/p18s04-hfes.html

As has been mentioned a few times, learn the privacy settings. To be honest, they aren't near as easy as they were in the old platform, but if you poke, you can figure it out.

Secondly, consider letting your mom know who and how you really are as an adult. It's an odd transition to make, but a good one. I prefer my adult friendship with my mother to our interactions as parent child, and she does as well. That means occasionally she hears me swear, but she has survived -- and our relationship has thrived.

Another comment, inspired by a few above -- "private conversations" don't happen on the internet. Thinking of what you post on the internet as private may lead to some troubling issues later -- Facebook has, currently, privacy settings, but such settings are not permanent, and things posted live online forever. Remembering that, and remembering to keep truly private conversations off the internet, would go a long way to solving this.

Not to sound sanctimonious, but I don't post anything on facebook that I wouldn't want made public, period. This is in part because I accept friend requests from both family and students. The main reason I keep my profile clean is that, working with computers, I know that anything that is put up on the web is out in the public domain forever. I use my profile to post my portfolio and job info, and I wouldn't want potential employers knowing every intimate detail of my life. My self-censoring extends to email and txting. If a subject is that sensitive, I discuss it in person, or not at all. I don't post it online for all and sundry.

If you really want to keep conversations, pictures, etc. private, you can always customize your settings. It's also good to set up notifications; if someone is posting pictures or video of me, I want to know about it!

My mom is on facebook, and now I'm following her on Twitter..so now I need to be careful with what I say.

I love my mother, yet, she is the most um, well, not sort of helpful with meaning to be helpful if you get my drift.

Sorry mom.

I am friends with my son on FB. We have always had a great relationship and talk daily. I have been entrusted not to snoop or my priviliges will be revoked. I think it is fine as long as there is a clear line of communication. He has me as a limited friend so I can't see everything which I am fine with. I mean come on he is 20 and on his own and there are somethings I am better off not knowing.

I've said it a million times and I'll say it yet again.

Accepting a friend request does not mean you have to let that person see any of your personal information, your status updates, pictures or videos of you, or anything else. There are settings for that. They never even know they're blocked from seeing that information. To them, it just looks like you're rather quiet and don't post much. When you accept your mom's friend request, immediately set her to "limited access" or customize a "friends group" just for her, and your co-workers, and anyone else you don't want to "be yourself" around. You don't even have to let them see who your other friends are!

Problem solved: no one knows they are restricted, no one is offended. This is such an absurd conversation!

as has already been said... What's the old (new) saying.. if you don't want it public, don't post it on the internet. If there's stuff on your FB page that you're embarrassed to let your mother see, then it probably shouldnt be posted at all.

I'd second anyone who responded to point out that FB is basically PUBLIC information. If it's on FB, ANYONE can get access to it one way or another. For example, that pic of you totally plastered? All it takes is for one of your friends to copy it into an email and it's out there. I wouldn't really put anything on Facebook that I wouldn't want to share with my mom ... or a prospective employer ... or whomever. Beyond that, you can always restrict your privacy settings so that your mom doesn't have access to certain photos or whatever. So yeah, I'd friend my mom because I don't really have anything to hide on my Facebook page.

I would not friend my parents or boss. Just seems silly to accept them then put them on limited access. why even bother. just decline them.

they can friend their own friends that are their age.

I have uncles and cousins who have facebooked me. I am who I am and if they can't handle it, the delete button lines forms to the left.

I do draw the lines on most co-workers and never would accept an invite from my boss.

I guess it depends on your definition of "friend". It's not really the textbook definition per se, rather it should be thought of as a "contact"--- like a family member, or a co-worker, or a former classmate, or your best friend in the whole world. Set them up each with their appropriate settings and permissions and enjoy your contacts, because Facebook has more of them than any other site on the internet, by far.

This should be a learning experience for the LW. If there's something on Facebook that you wouldn't want your mother or another authority figure in your life to see, then it shouldn't be there. Period. It's a great opportunity to think about what's out there about you on the internet and how you might be viewed. "Eavesdropping" doesn't apply to the internet - it's as private as writing notes on the bathroom wall in high school. Actually, less so - because boys and girls can both read it.
I'm on Facebook and there is nothing on my account that I would be upset to have a family member, colleague, etc., read. Print it out and put it on the cafeteria wall at work for all I care - it's silly, but nothing that could be held against me. I plan to keep it that way.

I believe it goes beyond just sharing your "private" life with your parents or not that makes this such an interesting question. It's more about whether or not they understand how this all works. I have nothing to hide on my profile, but as one person said, some parents need to be nosy and understand all of the inside jokes and funny comments, others get that fact that they'll never understand it and are fine with that. My mother happens to be the former and therefor is not my friend. She doesn't grasp the social networking etiquette and at this point it's really too late for her to learn. Instead she'd be more interested in snooping and leaving weird comments all over the place. I do have more than a handful of fb friends who are in their 40's and 50's (and are real-life friends of my parents) but have kept up and "get it". My dad on the other hand is smart, he never kept up, knows he can't catch up and is perfectly at peace with that. As I said, I have nothing to hide and am friends with co-workers, superiors, etc. If I weren't actually related to my mom in real life, her snooping personality by itself would be enough not to friend her. As for why I can't just show her my limited profile, that becomes too much of a gray area (well why can my friend so-and-so see this stuff but not me). Instead we have an understanding that this just isn't the medium for our relationship to exist on, and it works.

And as Beth said in post 3, changing your language settings to English (Pirate) is 110% worth it, just for the entertainment value.

Arrr, This post be pleasin' to me eye!

There are things that I don't expect to be private on Facebook, but that I don't necessarily want my dad asking me about. He told me he sent me a friend request and I said, "Dad, we email and talk on the phone, and I don't think this would add anything." Eventually my younger brother, added him, so I felt like I should as well. I restricted him from pictures and said that I would not ask him who people were and about his status updates, and I hope he'd do the same. It might sound mean, but he can get nosy. I think having a frank, open talk about your reservations, depending on your relationship with your parents, is helpful.

(I have yet to add my brother. He's a freshman in college and there are things I just don't need to know.)

The greatest thing about Facebook is that it is like living in a small town with all your friends, this is as much an advantage as a disadvantage. You've got to live like anything you said might be overheard and repeated as gossip. That said, I am friends with my parents, cousins, sister, and some parents friends. This has worked out well. My parents' friends hired me to do some work for them and are now free publicity showing everyone their exciting photos of their house. Social networking is networking.

I agree with not posting anything on FB that you would be embarassed to see posted on the front page of the Boston Globe (or printed out by your employer). But, some of us have mom's that will do their best to misinterpret and/or guilt you with any information you provide. I posted a status once on FB that I was finishing up an important work project at home, on the computer, and letting my preschoolers watch a DVD so I could get it done. Well, my mom (and FB friend) threw that posting up at me later, accusing me of taking less than the best care of my kids because I "dump them in front of the TV while I'm upstairs working". I actually was in the next room on my laptop and in full view of the kids, and it was only for an hour. Alas, with some mom's you can't win!

IaNever mind t

I had nothing I would be upset about anyone reading on my FB account until my mother-in-law started making inappropriate commentary. She viewed most things I wrote about my children as opportunities to give unwanted advice, which abruptly ended all conversations on a thread. I wrote her a private email explaining to her that I didn't appreciate her behavior. She responded inappropriately, yet again, so I simply removed her and all of her commentary.

I think if you are facing friends versus family issues that you should consider a friends and a family account. Most of us have spam email accounts, so it makes sense does it not? You could migrate all of your friends to one account and make it super private. You could then have one account for parents and business associates that is more public. On the internet, it is appropriate to keep what is private, private and what is public, public. You are the arbiter of where to draw that line.

Wendy, it seems burdensome to create multiple facebook accounts for the same person (plus I would think Facebook would frown on that) plus what if your mom wants to friend one account and you want her to friend another? What a pain. Better to learn how to use Facebook's own tools to manage the different levels of privacy and access -- that's what they are there for.

I agree with not posting anything on FB that you would be embarassed to see posted on the front page of the Boston Globe (or printed out by your employer). But, some of us have mom's that will do their best to misinterpret and/or guilt you with any information you provide. I posted a status once on FB that I was finishing up an important work project at home, on the computer, and letting my preschoolers watch a DVD so I could get it done. Well, my mom (and FB friend) threw that posting up at me later, accusing me of taking less than the best care of my kids because I "dump them in front of the TV while I'm upstairs working". I actually was in the next room on my laptop and in full view of the kids, and it was only for an hour. Alas, with some mom's you can't win!

IaNever mind t

If I were willing to add my mother on FB, I would probably go in and set up at least two groups, one with my mother in it and one without her, so I could keep at least part of my open communications out of her perception of me. I think the compulsion to avoid allowing this access comes from a similar place as getting nauseated at the thought of one's parents engaging in intimate physical contact. It crosses some line that we really don't want to cross, for whatever reason. I blame everything on biology, though, so there's that. There's got to be some animal reason why this particular boundary is such an issue.

I will not add my mother on FB. I received a friends request from her, and ignored it promptly, not only because I want the continued freedom of not having to set up groups, and not only because I don't want her to see every last little thing my friends see, but because I don't want my friends to see every last little thing she has to say! I can't imagine trying to run damage control on that volcano of humiliation. So, I consider it a courtesy to everyone involved that I don't break down that barrier.

Of course, YMMV.

I'm not on Facebook but I tried it for about 3 weeks and what I found is that Facebook will allow you to compartmentalize your friends into respective privacy categories -- close friends, co-workers, family, old schoolmates, etc. If you're up for the task, sort your "friends" by how much you want them to see.

I am technologically deficient, so I took the organic approach when I was on FB and figured I wouldn't say or post anything that could come back to bite me (it IS the Internet, after all), so if my mom wanted to friend me, no biggie.

I realize some out there want to be a bit more open with content, so my response to the LW would be to take the simplest approach of all: You don't have to accept everyone who friends you (even your mom). FB is what you make it to be. There are lots of nosy folks who have to be in on every joke, even if it doesn't include them. And if that's the case, don't stress yourself out by letting them see your profile. FB shouldn't stress you out. It's supposed to be enjoyable. In my case, the whole concept of FB stressed me out, so I just deleted my profile and walked away.

My mom and I are FB friends but I don't have to deal with any of the issues people mention here because my mom's not all that internet savvy and keeps forgetting how to access FB... :)

If my mom was on more often and I was at all worried about anything she might see on my profile, I'd just have a conversation something like this, "Mom, I would love to be your FB friend but you are not allowed to hold anything that appears on my profile page against me." Since I'm not a violent or hateful person, this shouldn't be an issue. If she agrees, great. If not, no "friending."

I'm friends with my parents, but I have my privacy settings so high that they couldn't find me. You can't find me unless your PRIMARY network is a college network. So all my family members couldn't find me...and my aunts are closer in age to me than most of my cousins, so if they see the picture of me puking my guts out at a New Year's Eve Party 3 years ago, I really don't care. Although that picture has since been untagged and hopefully I can get the person who owns that album to take the picture off of facebook.
And my settings are so high that even if you CAN find me on facebook, if you're not my friend you can only see my name and networks. No pictures, no mutual friends, no nothing.
Now my Nana....I will NOT be friending her anytime soon. Does she really need to see how much I drink or drank during college?

Context: I am 30 and my lovely mom is 50.
I totally begged my mom to get a Facebook account and friend me because we live in different cities. Then I dug up an amazing picture of her chomping a cigar in a French maid costume at a Hallowe'en party just before she got pregnant with me (she would have been about 19 in the pic) and scanned it for her profile. (Hey! It was in our family albums, she can't complain. Also it was pretty G-rated considering the subject matter.)

So her great Facebook debut was a whirlwind of conversations from my siblings, cousins and friends telling her how cool the pic was and my aunts and uncles doing the ol' "I remember that party..." thing and basically she got caught up thinking about her own profile and not snooping mine. Plus we have the kind of relationship where I wouldn't really care what she saw on my profile anyway. And since my dad needs regular re-teaching to log into his email, I don't foresee a Facebook account in his near future.

That said, I don't think other people's experiences are going to help you a lot with the whole parents on Facebook question, because the issue is affected more by your relationship with mom and dad than any aspect of the technology. Only you will know how your mom will react to your profile or how to approach a discussion with her about it.

I'm a new poster -- found this blog via google because my mom (alas) just joined facebook and I'm also confounded about how to handle it. I've restricted her access through all of the privacy settings, but it makes me feel badly to do that.

So many of you are focusing on the privacy issue in the sense that whatever you write on facebook is essentially public information (at least for those who may view your profile) but for me, it's not about that. I simply interact differently with my mother than I do with my own friends.

And while hundreds of conversations between friends may be visible to other friends viewing my profile, only my mother would pore over each and every one, hoping for a glimpse of the inner workings of my psyche.

She has every right to be on there, but I wish she would not have friended me. It just isn't how I want to relate to her.

Robin says: Welcome, Farah!

Also a new poster who found this via your blog--and I came to this page because I am also overwhelmed with the possibility of my family joining my Facebook.

When you first log into Facebook, it immediately recommends scores of people that you should befriend. The first, to my utter shock, was my father. After befriending an adult cousin of mine, all my aunts popped up, as well. I have my profile set to private to anybody who is not a 'friend;' I don't allow my close friends to take compromising photographs of me (nor do I post them), so I'm not really worried about inappropriate information getting out to the world. But it truly worries me that my aunts and father might decide to friend me, because I feel it would be rude to decline them or give them limited access. Since I have never been especially close to anybody in my family as an adult, I would feel weird about them being a regular part of my facebook. I am quite different from the rest of my family, and I'm not sure how they would handle knowing the "real" me--but how would they feel if I declined their friendships? A quandary for me, as it is family, not just some random people from across the globe. I actually made my friends list private to non-friends, just to avoid anybody poking around on my friends' profiles for information about me.

I don't know if anyone is still reading these comments, but I don't think my quandary has been mentioned yet.... my mom recently friended me, and I don't mind any other aspects of the dynamic - I don't have anything I'd want to hide from her - but she posts cutesy, cloying, saccharine comments to me. I want to nip this in the bud, without being meaner about it than I have to be... How do I say "mom, cool it with the mom talk" while leaving her mom-ego in tact? I'm 26, and actually helped her sign up for facebook, since I knew she'd probably enjoy getting back in touch with some relatives who are on there, etc. Thoughts?

Thoughter