Monday question: Feuding in-laws

Tough one. You really are bending over backwards for your wedding, and I congratulate you on your maturity in the midst of this chaos!

I'm not sure how reasonable they are, but it might help after the wedding to sit them down individually and say that you cherish both of them (it sounds like you really do!). From here on, you plan to have one family and one celebration per event. You will warmly welcome them at each family gathering.

They will both be invited to everything, and they need to decide amongst themselves whether they can, in good faith, attend each. You hope they will. And if they can't, you will miss them. Also, if they find they can't be civil at an event, they will be expected to leave. (We're not just talking about your comfort, but the comfort of the rest of the guests.)

You might also consider having some time with each of them - perhaps invite one to dinner, then the other, or one for a weekend and then the other, trying not to favor one over the other.

The basic idea is to throw this back in their laps so that you are no longer responsible for their comfort -- they are responsible for yours and that of your other friends and relatives. But the caveat is to convey the message in a loving and kind way.

I as a stranger can make this recommendation. You know your families and their situations, though, and you can tell whether this is a reasonable path. If it is not, I would still have the sit-down, but I would announce that I'm inviting each to every *other* event. This again gives them the ability to "graduate" to every event if they show that they can make things pleasant enough for everyone else present. Hope this helps.

I think Liza pretty much has this covered. There may not be a way to preserve both relationships without doing two of everything, but if the relationship with one in-law changes that will be the choice of the in-law, not the fault of the newlyweds.

Good luck...sounds very challenging.

My parents have been divorced since I was in elementary school. There have been lots of double parties (graduation, birthdays, wedding shower). And just for extra complication, both of my parents live in Chicago while I'm in Boston. Wedding showers were generous, but getting two parties' worth of gifts back home was an enormous pain.

I will say that pregnancy and (twin) newborns was what gave me a good excuse to finally put my foot down on some of that nonsense. When they started talking about baby showers, I agreed to come to Chicago, but told my mom and stepmom they would have to figure out a way to just have one shower, as I just could not handle the exhaustion of two (in the same weekend!). They figured it out.

Thankfully, all of my parents are generally able to act like adults around one another, even if they wouldn't exactly choose to hang out. They come visit the kids at different times, generally very little overlap. But once there was a high-risk pregnancy and then babies in the mix, I had to end the shenanigans for my sake and for the kids'.

In my on-so-humble opinion, after seven years, these two "adults" need to grow up. These two had a child (children?) together, and it is not the children's fault that their parents' marriage didn't work out. As liza said much more nicely than I will, your future ILs need to figure out how to work this out for themselves in the future. You may not like how they do it, but you cannot control the actions of other people. I have a good friend whose parents just recently got divorced, and she finally settled on using the (apparently much reviled) evite system for her kids' events. It is the only way she doesn't end up in the middle, trying to mediate between her parents, which causes her great pain and stress.

It is, however, lovely and mature of you and your intended that you have been so accomodating with your wedding. You did mention that you've compromised some of the things you wanted to do, though, like your unity candle. Instead of giving these symbolic elements up, can you rethink them? For example, if you both have siblings, could they act as your family representatives instead of the parents? Could the receiving line be just the wedding party?

You may also consider designating an usher (or two) to be on alert for bad parental behavior at the wedding. That way, you can concentrate on the new family you're creating. Just remember that as accomodating as you're being, the future ILs are still acting like fools, and that is not your problem. It's theirs.

"But we also feel very strongly that we should not accommodate this childish behavior forever, and are worried that our efforts to plan a peaceful wedding will establish a precedent that we might end up regretting later on."

Let both parties know they need to focus on the event at hand and bury their disagreement if even for just one day. Let them know you will not be planning events around them and they will need to learn to get along at family social events. 'Do it for the children', 'Karma' or whatever but they need to be civil adults. It will not be perfectly smooth but they need to adapt, not you.

I faced the same situation when I married many years ago and they continued their childish behavior until the death of my father in law. We simply had to alternate all events -- which was itself very stressful since they each felt the other attended the better activities. Perhaps if you tell them that if they cannot both attend an event, they will only be invited to half of them, they will behave. (I don't hold out much hope however.)

I can understand your situation since I'm in it (or was), however, I refused to bow down to their childish behavior. At our wedding, they were seated at separate tables. I did walk alone (upset my mom, but too bad) and that was the only thing I did to prevent problems. There were functions where one refused to come because of the other - well, I don't care. They are the ones missing out and they are in the minority. Over the years, they realized that their behavior was ridiculous and they do ignore each other - which is fine with me. ( After all, I go to functions that have people I despise and I ignore them - there's no law that says you have to talk to people around you.)

When I plan a "family" function, I have adamantly refused to cater to the whims of others. I have enough to do with the details. My standard response is: "so don't come - I doubt if you will be missed and I take that as a not attending. "

My opinion, you start now, you will be at their mercy for the rest of your days and you will be miserable.

I feel you are already doing too much to accommodate them. Rearranging YOUR wedding for THEIR need to be angry with each other will set a bad precedent.

Have that talk with each of them now. Tell them you value their presence at these events and you hope that they can be civil to each other for your sake. If they can't then it will be their loss.

If it is not too late, re-work your wedding to include your unity candle and receiving line plans.

I agree 100% with Liza.

I just went through planning a wedding with a similar situation but broader. My extended family (grandparents and Aunt) on my mother's side ( my mother has died but the feud remains from a 25 year ago divorce) of the family don't get along with my Father and his family.

When planning my wedding we had to be very careful with where we sat each respective "family" and hope that everyone behaved as an adult and ignored each other and not cause a scene... when our big day arrived everyone behaved appropriately, so I have faith that your relatives will be able to maintain civil in a group situation and when your own children come along take Liza's advice and throw it back in their laps to make the right decision, 95% of the time people will do the right thing if the expectations are set that they won't have access to grandkids of they can't behave.

Liza's comments are very thoughtful. She is right that this needs to be your in-law's responsibility to manage. You shouldn't have to cancel the unity candles or receiving lines if that is what you want to do. The one thing I would disagree with Liza on is the timing of the discussion. I would sit them down BEFORE the wedding, tell them how much you love them both, remind them that this is YOUR most important day, and tell them (don't ask them) that you 1) expect them to respect your day 2) behave in front of your guests and 3) either be civil to each other or to politely ignore each other. If they start in on how bad/mean/hateful the other one is, remind them thta you've heard it all before and to put a sock in it for one day.

How about you just ask them to be mature for your sake, plan one set of events and let THEM sort it out.

do seat them as far from each other as possible, but they should both respect yoru wishes and not make a scene on your special day, because its not about them.

If they are both going to be bad behavors, be clear that if they want to fight, they need to do it somewhere else, or this problem wont ever end.

The every-other event Liza suggests is a nice fall-back position. It's what we actually did for a long time with all the major holidays, not because of feuds but because our families were so far apart geographically.

You can't manage their relationship with each other. You can only manage your relationship with them.

I assume the future FIL didn't come to a wedding shower. So I don't understand why the future FIL's family couldn't be at a shower with the future MIL. Is this feud like the Hatfields and McCoys?

Can you have a rule that arguments must be conducted outside? Then just enforce that rule...with everyone. Maybe without an audience and the hope of having one child or another declare "sides" they'll bore themselves with their arguing.

Your husband will have to be the one to set this rule and to enforce it. Under no circumstances should anyone express an opinion about who is right or wrong. Keep putting their relationship back into their own laps. But if extended families are involved in keeping the feud alive, I don't have much hope for peaceful family gatherings in the future. Good luck with it.

Liza, well said.

You are establishing your own family unit now. This will eventually include children, I imagine. It's time to concentrate on what YOU want for YOUR family. (Two 3rd birthday parties, alternating graduations????) Who wants to perpetuate this nonsense. This discussion is really between the two of you.

You'd be surprised how recalcitrant family members can often come up with a reasonable response. And if they can't, that's their problem. no sense in perpetuatig this. I've been there....and I'm delighted with the kids we raised.

They're adults. I suggest you treat them like adults. Invite them to everything and let them come or not, fight or not. It's not your fight, it's not your problem. Tell them to work it out and find a solution. Tell them you want each of them in your life, but you're not interested in being a part of their ongoing troubles. Offer some solutions, like swapping every other celebration. Sometimes adults need a wake up call too. Ask them each, "so, if I died tomorrow, you wouldn't come to my funeral because he/she was there?". If they can suck it up then, they can suck it up now! Grow up- it's not all about you! That, would be my advice.

I've been on the "feud" side of this, and I actually agree with most postings. Even though we disconnected our family from an in-law years ago, we don't expect everyone else to accommodate us nor them specifically. We expect to be invited to general family events, then we decide if we go or not---it depends on the size of the event (if it is easy to avoid the in-law), if we actually *want* to go (the in-law feud has given us an 'out' many times!), and the in-law's current state of mind (crazed, or not crazed). When we have events, we simply don't invite them, and everyone else comes. When they have an event, we're not invited, nor do we wish to be. Being straight about ti all is the best way to deal with it---don't EVER make yourself work for others. It is their problem, they will have to deal with it, just like we do---and it works.

Liza's suggestions are thoughtful and mature. Bluemoose suggests some excellent alternatives as well. How unfortunate that this couple must labor over their parents' selfish and destructive behavior. It seems wise to address it sooner rather than later in the interest of peace in the future, particularly if children join the family. In my own family I am estranged from one adult sibling who lives with my parents in another state. When I go for visits I avoid their home but see them at the homes of others, and usually my sibling can't be bothered to attend so it's not an issue. However, when my parents visit my spouse and me, I tell them politely before they arrive that I do not want to talk or hear about this sibling. Usually I have to repeat this at least once during their visit but after years of suffering in silence I am now comfortable with setting my own rules. I may still be their child, but I am also an adult capable of making my own decisions for my own reasons. The alternative for me was to become estranged from my parents as well, and this scenario has prevented that from happening. Best wishes to this caring couple.

Part of the problem is the apparent belief that "They are both good people..."

Really? If that's true, they wouldn't be putting themselves before you and your wedding day.

Suggestion : don't include them in ANYTHING until they come to you and say that they will behave. And if they can't agree on that, they're out of the picture. Simple as that.

I have been in a similar situation and have to say it was different once children were involved. Pre-kids we had to choose who we would invite to events or if both parents went it was very uncomfortable. My in-laws were not technically divorced when we married (long term separation) so we choose not to invite my father-in-law's girlfriend. This move seemed to avoid most of the problems. Once we had kids we just stopped making accomodations and they seemed to stop expecting them. We made it clear by our actions that the gatherings and parties are in celebration of our children and not about them and their bitter feelings. Hopefully they are mature enough to learn how to tolerate being around one another even if that means completly ignoring the other party.

All good advice, especially Liza. Previous posters bring up another good point--that often it is not just the feuding exes that are the problem. Often it is the families and friends of those two people. My family has seen that even when the feuders are showing signs of promise, they get dragged down again by their sisters, brothers, and life-long friends who engage them in their bitterness all over again. Simply amazing how divorce can manifest ill will for many many years to come.

I too dealt with this for my whole life. You're right - you need to speak up now or forever tip toe around their childish behavior. Take a stand, tell them that you ( or your husband) are the child, they are the parents and they should start acting like it. If they want to miss out on your lives, and possibly the grandkids, then that's a sad statement of their maturity. Their hatred keeps them in misery instead of enjoying life and you need to be straightforward about it. Please don't allow them to hijack the actual point of your happy event - the two of you - not the two of them. I wish you all the luck with this one.

Liza gives good advice. Beyond that, you should not burden yourself with taking responsibility for their behavior/comfort because they can't act like grown ups. You should conduct yourselves as you would like (having one baby shower, birthday party, whatever) and it is up to THEM to decide if they can be adult enough to be present. I would simply issue invitations as though everything were normal and let them make their own call. If they cannot, then it will be THEIR problem that they do not have a relationship with you or their grandkids. You cannot make this better for them, even if it means that they miss out or feel lonely. That's between them and their therapists to figure out. GOOD LUCK. They should be ashamed.

I think Liza is on point. The only thing I wonder about is, how does your fiance feel about this? Does he agree with you that this will need to stop or does he just want to go along to keep the peace? I think before anything is communicated to the IL's about how the future will be handled you will have to make sure you and your fiance are one the same page, since in many cases the in laws will lay any blame when they don't get their way on you (i.e. "Everything was great until he married HER" ). Come to a decision as a team and I would have your fiance talk to them first (which would be the same treatment if the situation were reversed, your fiance probably wouldn't be stating boundries to your parents without it being taken the wrong way). Good luck!

This is really tough but I do agree that after the wedding, you should have a solo sit down with each individual and map out your expectations for their future involvement in your family.
Maybe inviting them over to view the wedding photos etc, you can rejoice in the wonderful day and how wonderfully ( hopefully!) things were and note how they will be in the future. I do think that if your family means that much to them, they'll either suck it up or figure out alternatives on their own.
Good Luck!

Liza's got this one covered beautifully. You have to tell these people they have to behave themselves or they're going to miss wonderful opportunities with you and your new/growing family. And make it clear you will not hesitate to ask someone to leave if they can't play nice.

1) Empathize with each of them individually, and acknowledge the pain they feel around the other.

2) Inform them that in spite of their pain, they need to find a way to tolerate the presence of the other. The world is not going to revolve around their inability to get along.

By working around them, you are enabling their behavior. Better to draw a line in the sand and inform them how they're ruining it for everyone else than to continue to support them.

I agree with most of the other responses. You can't control other people's behavior, and if they choose to act childishly and rudely, well, then they will only show others what kind of people they are. The only thing I can add is the "my house (or event, or celebration, or whatever), my rules" position. When you sit down with them, politely tell them that when they are in your home, or invited to your event, they will abide by your rules and your standard of conduct. If they can't see their way clear to doing that, then they will no longer be welcome. My mother did this with her mother and that's all it took: once she realized that she couldn't impose her behavior on our family (at the risk of not seeing her daughter or grandchildren any more), she made adjustments and behaved appropriately. Good luck!

Lay down the law now, and tell them, lovingly, that you need them to make peace or agree to ignore each other, but that trying to do everything twice is foolish and impossible. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you understand their feelings toward each other, but are asking them to consider your feelings and those of your future spouse and put those first and foremost.

As for the unity candle, that can be as simple as two candles representing you and your spouse lighting one center candle representing your marriage, it doesn't have to involve parents. I assume you are an adult and are entering this marriage of your own free will, and this can symbolize your independent choice as well.

Similarly, the receiving line -- having been through enough of them -- let your parents, his parents, and your attendants enjoy the dinner, while you and your spouse greet people -- a nice way (and it keeps things moving) is to move from table to table greeting people and thanking them for coming -- when people see you have other tables, they are less likely to engage you in a long discussion of how much you've grown up since they last say you 10 years ago, etc.

Best of luck and above all, don't let anything, or anyone, spoil your day!

After my parents divorced, my siblings and I tried to accommodate our feuding parents, but in hindsight, I don't recommend it, and wish we had put our foot down earlier. Neither parent came to my sister's college graduation because we couldn't give assurances that the "other" one wouldn't show up too. I agree with those who recommended that you talk with the in-laws now -- make it clear that you are not taking sides, that you love them both, and remind them that the wedding is "your" day, not theirs. It sounds like they could use some practice at thinking about something or someone other than how much they loathe their former spouse.

Lisa hit the nail on the head.

That is unbelievably gracious of you to change your wedding plans to accomodate them, and it is also appropriate for you - going forward - to refrain from holding separate events and expect them to deal with the situation as adults.

The advice about telling each separately and lovingly about the "going forward" plan is also spot on . . . in my similar situation it all worked out, since my Father decided he would not attend. I told him with NO anger that we would miss him and hoped he would change his mind, but he never did.

We still had private times with him - as you would any family member - but he chose to distance himself from his grandkids and miss out on signficant events in their lives. Explaining why Grandpa never came to the kids' birthdays was a VERY interesting conversation that included "sometimes when people get angry it's too hard for them to use their words to work it out."

Hope your inlaws work it out.

Kei

RUN!!!!

In-law are always the trouble maker in all marriage relationship, the best to do would just try not to see each as much as you can.

TRUST ME don't start this nonsense now. Plan YOUR day (as a couple) how YOU (as a couple) want it. Live YOUR life (as a couple) how you would like to. If the in-laws can grow up and participate - great! If not, it is their loss. This is their issue not yours, don't get sucked in.

A moronic DJ at a wedding (after explicity advised not to do this) decided to try to get the divorced parents of the wedding party to dance. The parents refused very graciously, but it definitely was uncomfortable. It sounds like these folks would throw a hissy fit scene even though it would be out of your control. Stuff like this might happen so why should you have to worry about it. Tell them (graciously) it is your wedding, deal with it or just be uninvited. Even if stuff happens, ignore it and enjoy the day.

The one day of someone's life where they get to be the center of attention and relatives, other wedding attendees, etc. make their own demands rather than being happy for the couple in sharing the moment. It happens unfortunately, but it is ridiculous.

The LW and her spouse are certainly being very generous in their pre-wedding and wedding day plans but you gotta nip this in the bud!

Make sure you and your intended are on the same page and meet with each parent BEFORE the wedding! And you should both be present for this sit-down. This is so the in-laws see that you're in this decision together and nothing gets lost in translation. This will also prevent either parent from blaming the new bride. (They can't blame you for anything if you're sitting there with hubby as a united front!)

Finally, take the advice from everyone above that (a) you're starting your new life together and want to do it on the right foot and (b) you're not going to enable any future childish behavior by giving in to two sets of parties. (Tell them that the separate parties thus far were your wedding gift to them. But no more!)

You're creating a new branch of the family tree now and you have the right to do it peacefully and maturely. Anyone who can't play nice can simply stay home and miss out on some possibly wonderful times. Hopefully they'll see the light.

I speak from experience. My in-law's are constantly embroiled in one type of grudge or another with eachother (it's ridiculous if you ask me!) and we simply stay out of it. We have one party and whoever can make it, great. Those who miss out do just that: miss out.

Best of luck and do enjoy your special day together. Don't let anyone rain on your parade! Life is too short for this foolishness.

I think the betrothed have already gone way over the top. What is this the Hatfields and the McCoys? I would have invited both to the wedding, made it clear that they are not seated together, and told them that if either one of them distrupted my wedding day, they would be extracted from the festivities, whether by request or by police escort.
How dare these two "adults" put a crimp in the one day that I have waited my whole life for. It's not about them.
After the wedding, they would both be invited to all festivities with the same clarification. Act like a child, get treated like a child. Let them make the choice; do they want to be a part of our lives and the lives of their grandchildren or not?

I was in the exact same position 15 years ago with my parents having been divorced for 17 years at that point. I basically did as Liza suggests, albeit with a lot more exasperation in my presentation. At the wedding, I could sense that my mother was sometimes uncomfortable by the look on her face; however, I refused to let "her" problems prevent me from fully enjoying the best day of my life. In the end, everyone behaved themselves, and there weren't any problems. The wedding was a beautiful, meaningful celebration of our love.

For holidays, we mixed it up, but usually saw my mother because my dad had a second family and she was now widowed. Once children came along, I laid down the law and said that I wasn't having two birthday parties for each child. Well, they came, they made polite conversation, sometimes my mother kept to herself, and sometimes she even stayed home (her choice, her problem). Again, she wasn't always comfortable, in fact she was often downright tense, but we plugged along and everyone has always been civil. After 15 years, it's not always idyllic, but it's definitely easier than it ever used to be. They can sometimes even laugh at old jokes together!

Wishing you a joy-filled wedding and life together!

I was there in the winter/spring of 1992/1993. To make a long story short, my parents held a wedding reception in the church and we had a reception at the last function the Knights of Columbus had on Bunker Hill Street in Charlestown MA. My father and father in law could never get along and it is partly because of stubborness and words that could never be retracted. Dad is still here but my other dad died in 2002 without ever reconciling with him. So sad.

#1 is correct. As one of the parents of this type of situation, after the wedding "theatrics" my kids put their foot down. Get along or don't come. Your choice.
Do you want to be part of your grandchildren's lives?
Do you want to keep putting your kids (and their spouses) in this position?
Do you want your kids and grand kids to hate you?

The argument is with your former spouse not your children, then don't bring your childish behavior to them. Grow up, suck it up and smile!
Or be lonely

Your parents gave you your life and raised you. You owe them everything. Plan on double-Christmas and double-Easter every year from now on. Double anniversary parties. Double house-warmings. You should even plan to have an even number of children, so that each side of the divorced couple can have their own grandchildren.

Or, okay, maybe not. But how about, instead, you and your fiance play the "What If?" game and imagine your life together lived by the Double-Everything Rule. That will give you some laughs, and then enable you to lay down the law to the divorced ILs with iron determination wrapped in gentle good humor.

Similar to post #35 (Good Luck) - at my sweetheart's oldest daughter's wedding, he and she had the Father Daughter first dance. As soon as they started, my sweetie's youngest son invited his Mother (my sweetheart's ex-wife) to dance, then CUT IN on his Dad, waltzed off with his sister and left his divorced parents to dance....alone....in front of the entire wedding reception. These two did NOT get along well at this time but somehow they held it together until the end of the dance then parted amicably. The happy ending is that 12 years and several grandchildren later, we are all able to socialize together at the grandchildren's birthday parties, etc., since my sweetie and his ex-wife have agreed to be cordial at these events. A happy consequence of this is that none of the kids or grandkids is uncomfortable at the gatherings, they get to enjoy both sets of grandparents equally, and I have struck up a friendship with the ex-wife's new partner.