Response to last Monday's question

Last Monday we addressed the question of "friending" one's mom on Facebook. MD didn't understand the drama:

It'd be pretty harsh to stick it to your mom and not let her be friends with you on facebook. What you should do is just conduct yourself as you would in public and not worry about it too much after that. Unless you're living some kind of double life or an existence she doesn't know about, it'll be fine.

Remember, FB is quickly knocking down traditional "private" walls anyway. Just recognize and treat it as a public image and it won't mess with your head too much.

Not a bad point of view, and many other commenters also pointed out that FB is not private, no matter how much it may feel that way. If knowing that your mom can see those pictures will prevent you from posting something that an HR director might also see, someday down the line, maybe you should friend your mom.

Many people also recommended having subgroups of friends with different privacy settings. I know this is a popular solution, but unless you have extremely obvious ways of delineating the different groups (e.g., all co-workers go in this group, all family in another) it seems like a lot of effort to determine which of your friends get what level of security clearance.

I thought Nick made an awfully good point:

I believe it goes beyond just sharing your "private" life with your parents or not that makes this such an interesting question. It's more about whether or not they understand how this all works. I have nothing to hide on my profile, but as one person said, some parents need to be nosy and understand all of the inside jokes and funny comments, others get that fact that they'll never understand it and are fine with that. My mother happens to be the former and therefore is not my friend.

Not all forms of communication technology work for all relationships. There isn't any formal etiquette of Facebook yet, but there is a certain common sense to it: understanding that you aren't necessarily going to "get" every joke or status update, knowing the difference between commenting on an update or writing on someone's wall or messaging them, realizing that you don't actually have to accept every invitation or "What Type of Throw Pillow Are You?" quiz.

And I love Washington Ave's analysis:

The greatest thing about Facebook is that it is like living in a small town with all your friends, this is as much an advantage as a disadvantage. You've got to live like anything you said might be overheard and repeated as gossip.

Excellent analogy!

Wendy took an "innocent until proven guilty" approach that I think might work fairly well, if you're inclined to give someone the benefit of the doubt:

I had nothing I would be upset about anyone reading on my FB account until my mother-in-law started making inappropriate commentary. She viewed most things I wrote about my children as opportunities to give unwanted advice, which abruptly ended all conversations on a thread. I wrote her a private email explaining to her that I didn't appreciate her behavior. She responded inappropriately, yet again, so I simply removed her and all of her commentary.

I'm a strong believer in setting and enforcing boundaries on Facebook. Politically, my FB friends range from followers of Lenin to followers of Limbaugh, which means that in order to keep the peace I've got a strict "comment in the spirit of my post or not at all" policy. (I almost never post on political matters to begin with, but some of my FB friends are very, very good at reading political meaning into an update.) I'm willing to discuss my beliefs with anyone offline, but Facebook is for fun, and moderating a flamewar between my friends is not "fun."

So! Takeaways:

1. Nothing is really private on Facebook
2. Privacy settings exist for a reason
3. Facebook is one activity among many you can share with your loved ones. Saying "I don't want to FB withyou" isn't like saying, "I don't want to be your friend," it's like saying, "I don't want to play tennis with you." Still requires tact to get the message across, mind you.
4. Don't be afraid to set rules and boundaries on Facebook, and enforce them when you need to.