Monday question: It's not you, it's us!

I would do the 'switcheroo'. Indicate that you're interested in a foursome. That should scare them away.

They like the phone and you have Caller ID (you do, don't you?!?). Done and done.

Life is short. Spend time with people who make you feel good.

Next time, maybe you could tell these people that you are cutting back on social engagements to save money/spend more time with aging parents/whatever, but then tell them you look forward to catching up with everyone when you have a Labor Day cookout/holiday party/whatever. In other words, give them notice that you will be seeing them for a specific event, have that event, and dust them the rest of the year. You do really need to have the event - we have a spring cookout for families and invite a group that we really only want/need to see once a year. It's the "one and done" idea and it works for us.

I'm fascinated by this one. The bottom line for me is that the writer just doesn't seem to enjoy the company of the other couple quite enough to work at having a friendship. At the same time, I don't know that having a face-to-face conversation is the best option - when I've wanted to slow friendships I've made myself less available and it's usually worked fine, and probably will again for this writer.
I do wonder if the writer has really tried to negotiate with the other couple for get-togethers that he or she and the SO will find more acceptable. It sounds like the writer is letting the other parties steer the friendship and then resenting where it's going, when taking control is often not all that difficult - sometimes a straightforward "it's difficult for us to meet so early - would it be possible to meet an hour later?" Can help

Wow, are these people for real? Or was this posting a joke? I love reading these columns to see how petty people's biggest quandaries really are. Just goes to show that some people should be shipped off to a deserted island and forgotten about.

See if you can hook them up with another couple who might be a better match.

I say- show them this article!!

Email them a link to this page and tell them it's you talking about them...done.

If they aren't getting the hint..and according to this, who wouldn't! Then you need to just stop responding. If you don't enjoy hanging out w/ these people, or have too little in common w/ them, and they're not people you see around town, or as part of your daily activities, by all means, just stop responding because every time you respond in any way, they're going to say "Well, how about this day?" or "We can do this instead.."

I think people are really a lot more polite than need be. If you had a a boyfriend or girlfriend you wanted to dump, would you keep egging them on, or would you put an end to it and stop responding? Just stop calling them, they mean nothing to you and they'll get the hint eventually.

Agreed that the LW makes it sound like the Persistents are steering this tippy boat of friendship. I wonder what "persistent" means to the LW? Are they calling every day and begging for you to oh please come out to the 99? Or is it once every couple of weeks? The LW and SO could turn the weekly "Uttering of the No" into a personal exercise in improv comedy. Imagine all the ways in which you COULD be busy. Like spearing neighborhood rhinos for a potluck with the Persistents.

Engaging in anything deeper than "Thanks, but we're busy" is going to invite more contact.

Friend drift....I know when I'm drifting away from a friendship, it takes me quite a few rounds of "I'm sorry, I can't". And I always use the "I'm busy" excuse. And conversely, when friends of mine have drifted, it takes me a while to get the hint because I actually believe he/she really is busy. Until I realize Busy Friend has been busy for...oh... a couple of years. I have one friend in a new job who is actually that busy, but no one else (myself included) ever really is.

If the letter writers didn't make themselves so agreeable (such pushovers) to the other couple's needs & wants, and asserted themselves more in terms of things like better time to meet or better places to meet, either a. they will have more enjoyment because they won't feel like such pushovers or b. the other couple will realize that they are not as compatible as they thought and perhaps themselves lose interest.

Sometimes people are incredibly persistent, but those people are also used to rejection. If they persist and refuse to take a hint then they are forcing you to be blunt with them and it's their own fault.

Just keep ignoring them and if they corner you, let them know that like everybody else these days, you have very little spare time and you need some down time alone together. They are disturbing your peace and to please back off on plans.

I've recently had to ask a friend to stop calling me so often, so I kind of get this. You're just going to have to be "rude" and reset the boundaries. After all, who CARES if they think you're being rude? What's the loss on your end? And considering how rude they're being, however unintentionally, I don't think that you should have to be so careful about how to set boundaries.

Let them know, clearly, that you enjoy their friendship, but that you do not enjoy making so many plans with them. If they argue, just let them know that this isn't really something arguable.

And, of course, try to not pick up when they call, and when they try to make plans, tell them that you are busy.

The letter writer needs to look back on him/herself and ask the question: Am I leading them on? People are usually good at taking hints, but you need to consider if you are sending mixed messages. When you bump into them, do you say things you don't really mean, like "Let's get together soon, it's been too long"? Or, "Give me a call sometime"? I know a lot of people who say these things to dates, friends, and acquaintences when they don't even like the person and have absolutely no intention of following up with them. I know saying things like this is "polite" but it does give off a false impression that you want to be friends.

Not answering the phone usually works okay for me.

I do like boomer's idea of having an annual "keep in touch" party for people like these "friends," but you'll have to decide if that works for you two.

Tell them you're moving to Norway

JLC,

Your perfect advice just killed the need for further comments on this thread (or should, anyway).

What else needs to be said? Just don't pick up the phone (and maybe wear a fake moustache while out of the house to avoid potentially embarrasing public meetings).

oh- i can relate. i have an aggressive wanna-be friend myself who doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that i just want to be an acquaintance. so far i have found the best tactic is to be blunt, or as blunt as i can be as a fellow introvert. if she invites me somewhere, i say "no thanks, i am busy" or "no thanks, i am not interested." after a few weeks she seems to have (somewhat) gotten the hint. don't try to be too nice- it only encourages them. as someone above wrote, any explanation you give beyond thanks, but no thanks, is too much. be equally persistent in your blunt refusal. take the risk of pissing them off- it's okay. you don't like them, and life is too short to hang around with people you don't like.

Fake your death.

I've been on both sides of this one. If you need this friend for social or career reasons, follow the advice of #3 above. If you do not, then just don't be available for whatever is suggested. You don't need to give a reason, just that you are swamped right now due to being self-employed and (unstated) family demands. If she is really persistent then you can offer an alternative, such as: "Why don't you join us for the Breakers game....MFA exhibit...whatever (that you'll enjoy)?" Please don't do what (former, old) friends have done to me, which is to run into me in public and ask lots of questions that sound like they are actually interested in my life and want to catch up and then let their eyes glaze over as they back away. If you aren't interested in someone, don't act like you are.
On the letting go side, the people who have already responded have great ideas. Life is too short to spend 4 hours or so meeting a couple for dinner if there is no real reason for it and you have other folks who are getting neglected or you are totally exhausted by trying to work and keep up with everyone. We have gotten very good at proposing alternatives that meet our needs; if friends aren't available for that, then there is no get-together.
Because your friend is your former boss, I'm guessing that you don't have any practice declining her proposals; but, you don't work for her any more. If you need her for career reasons, perhaps you could suggest that you meet up at the annual meeting of a professional association or whatever and that way you can "catch up on the latest..."

You aren't being fair to all parties involved here. I understand that you don't want to be outright rude, but it is certainly fine to just say "no thank you" to the next several offers that come your way. I know it is hard, but I think you need to get a backbone and stop being a pushover. Be honest to you and your SO and surround yourself with people you enjoy. Your "friends" also deserve the respect of being surrounded by people that want to be with them and enjoy their company.

I had one acquaintance through volunteer work in town who wore her blue tooth around the house and would dial my home and cell phones, then email me to gossip and rant about other people in town she didn't like. Once on the phone, she kept you there forever, and if you had to take another call or do something else, she would try and call back later to continue the conversation.

Having decided I needed to do something drastic, I finally told her my husband and I were having marital problems and I needed time and space to work things out at home. When she went around telling others in town that I had a bad marriage (and I knew she would), I told her that I was no longer comfortable being friends and sharing confidences with her.

Never did have any marital problems, and she doesn't come near me anymore. I'm fine with it.

Hello...how about some good old fashioned HONESTY! Just tell the couple that you hate chain restaurants and that you can't go out as early as they want and so on ...
I haven't met a person yet that won't respond to sincere honest people, but when you try to be cowardly and avoid their calls and invites...that is not only rude, but it hurts you in the end.
Take control of your own friendships/relationships and be honest! If they choose to still be friends with you then at least it will be on your terms. But remember, any friendship involves some sacrifices!

Stop responding and if you must respond because you see them in person, thank them with good grace and say you can't make it. Keep doing this. Polite, repetitive refusals will drive them away - and will spare you from having to tell them just what it is about them you can't stand. You can also tell them you'll call them when you're free. The fact that you're planning to be free when you're both 85 years old you need not mention....

I have to agree with some of the other other posters, stop being a push over. If they like to eat early and you like to eat late, then say that. If you don't want to hang out with them, don't answer the phone, listen to their voice mail and respond via email and say you are spending more time with family. Just because you are given an invitation doesn't mean you need to accept it. Why are the LW writers trying to make things so complicated?

"No, Thursday is not good. How about never? Is never good?"

The problem is that as a former boss, you have to keep on good terms as a potential reference. I would just keep on being polite, but hard to schedule. It will simply have to be a waiting game.

I think you should make your differences more obvious to them by being less flexible. That should be a sharp "slap in the face" of reality for them. They want to go out sooner than you'd like to? Say "No, I'm sorry. SO and I cannot make it until at least xx:xx". They want to eat at XXX Chain Restaurant? Say "No, sorry. We really don't like chain restaurants at all. Maybe we could try eating at xxx or xxx once our calendar opens up in a few months."

I like the party idea; we do it with people we don't like well enough to go out with alone, and it definitely works. I'd say also that not picking up the phone works, as does the email saying you're spending more time with family, etc.
They don't sound like your kind of people, really, but it sounds like you don't want to piss her off because you used to work for her. Do you have a letter of recommendation from her? If so you can be done with her. I have a friend who wants to go out, but is so fussy about where; then she doesn't drink and announces that fact to everyone; she doesn't drive and needs a ride; and she is boring. I luckily don't have to deal with her as much and I do feel bad -- but not that bad...

As a fellow introvert, I feel sympathy for the couple. I've used up my "other people energy" by the end of each work day, and I really don't want to go out anywhere and have to be enthusiastic about anything; nor do I want to talk to anyone I don't really, really like -- and sometimes even those people don't make the cut. I realize that's anathema to most Americans, but that is how introverts are programmed. And it is hard to get that across sometimes.

If subtle hints don't work, you have two choices (as many have already mentioned): honest discussion, or not answering the phone. Choose one or both, as needed.

Wow, I really hope the poor people you are talking about don't read this, because I'm sure they will know who you are talking about and will feel terrible. I'm not sure why anyone would want to be friends with you.

If nothing else works, and the phone number she has is your landline, try ditching the landline. It might save you some money, too, if you have a pretty good cell phone package.

I've been in a similar situation except it started out as a couples thing, and then she and her bf broke up, so then it was a me and her situation. Turns out, once I finally realized the type of person she was, I wasn't interested in spending time with her anymore. I tried the whole unavailable thing too, but it didn't really work, and I felt better being honest.

I ended up writing her an email and explaining that I don't think we have much in common. I wished her well, and that was it.

I know you probably don't want to hurt them, but I truly feel being honest is the best way to handle this (or any) situation.

Good luck.

Just stop responding, and always be busy if you don't feel like you can be honest with them. In the last year I've let two friendships blow away because these two woman were so persistent that it felt like I was being stalked. One actually scared me because she'd say Monday at work: I drove by your house yesterday and I saw you mowing your lawn but figured you were too busy for a visit. Yikes, I started to ignore her in a very assertive way. The other one, I found out she was a nudist (I kid you not) and she and her kids would run around the house bare bollicky naked. I juist start ed running away fromthat friendship as fast as I could.

You need to take control of the situation, right now you are just being passive agressive. Next time you get an invitation you should say "We aren't interested, but when we do want to go out to dinner, we will give you a call." When you are so inclined, invite them out to dinner to a place that you guys enjoy, at an hour that is acceptable to you.

If you never want to see them again, you will need to tell them something. If you just let it go, and ignore them, I bet you'll feel terrible about it.

I had a work acquaintance like this from my part time job. My part time job is fairly social so people tend to take the friendly work relationship as a true friendship. This coworker used to call me at my full time job constantly to talk. She was one of those people who would just keep ringing you until you picked up the phone. Some days, I would have 13 missed calls from her. For months, I told her that I can't take personal calls at work. Finally, I just said to her, "You're a really nice person but the reality of my life is that I can't give you the kind of friendship you need right now. I simply don't have the resources or time. A phone call or dinner every once in a while is fine but I can't do much more than that.". It didn't really deter her in the beginning. Finally, she got the hint and she seems to have disappeared...probably stalking someone else.

I love SillySadie's solution! That is very creative but I hope you cautioned your husband beforehand that the town would soon know that his marriage was in trouble! It wouldn't do for him to be the last to know!

The next time you go out only talk about the three following things during dinner. Amway, Insurance and Jesus.

Problem solved.

I totally agree with 25 and a couple of the others above. First make sure you're available, then if you are... If you don't like to eat early, tell them that it's too early for you and that you'd like to eat at whatever time it is YOU prefer. If you don't like whatever restaurant they want to eat at, offer an alternative restaurant that YOU like and if they keep insisting on chains, then let them know your feelings about chain restaurants. I've known several people who refuse to eat at chain restaurants, and the fact that I know that about them, doesn't make me like them any less -- it just makes me realize that we need to plan accordingly when getting together with them. . If they want to be friends with you, they need to be flexible about your wants and desires and try to incorporate them into the relationship. Try this out for a couple of meetings and see if they're still interested in getting together. If it works out, maybe you'll actually enjoy getting together with them a little more!

This one really resonates with me because my husband and I also are trying to "break up" with a perfectly nice couple with whom we just don't have a lot of shared interests. They are new to town and don't seem to have many friends and kind of adopted us. We have a lot of friends and family and don't have the time or energy to invest in new relationships that take this much work. Being unavailable hasn't worked because she is extremely persistent and my husband feels so guilty that we end up making plans to spend an evening together, then dreading the date and ruing the outcome. Is it ever OK just to email and say "We just don't think we're socially compatible?" I'm tempted.

You say you want depth, but then you don't tell the couple your true thoughts and feelings. The question is: Are YOU ready for some depth? If you are, then be yourself and let the cards fall where they will. Nobody can stop from you doing that. You are simply waiting for the other couple to give you permission. If you resent their impositions, then you have some responsibility for not making your boundaries clear. Tell them what your limits are ("I prefer email," "I only have time for coffee," etc.). If your limits turn them off, they will let go of the friendship. But maybe they'll appreciate the fact that you're being more authentic and you in turn will enjoy the get-togethers without the resentment. You won't know unless you try.

I recommend bringing along a couple of other couples next time to "dilute" the effort. Make the event about more than just you and your S.O. If they say anything about wanting to just hang out with you guys, tell them that that is becoming much more difficult for (FILLINTHEBLANKWITHREASON) and that when you go out to spend money or spend time, you need to try to include as many people as possible. Eventually they won't want to hang out with you and all your other friends.

Ignore most of these commenters. There is nothing wrong with you. My wife and i are the same way. We have a kid though, which often makes a great excuse to not have to go out Your "friends" are probably not bad people or anything, just not your kind of people. Nothing wrong with that either. You don't have to be mean, you just need to dilute the event, and eventually let the whole relationship fizzle.

Colleen #23 is right on. Take her advice, she know what she's talking about.

We had a similar experience. We met a couple, new to town, seemed very nice, the husband had a lot in common with my husband etc. A week after we met them we were invited to their house for New Years Eve. We went but it was pretty strange. We then started getting a lot of phone calls, invites, drop ins, you name it. Every so often we would get together with them but the husband would constantly whine "we never see you! we never talk to you!" and it got to the point where the inevitable whining just not only wore us down, but pissed us off. I still do feel guilty about not returning their phone calls (they have finally blessedly stopped) but the bottom line is, life is short, time is short, and why spend it with someone who is just emotionally draining, or boring, or whiny? You owe it to yourself and your relationship to stay true to yourself. I wish I had had the guts to tell this couple honestly why we were breaking up with them but it would not have been a learning experience for them, only a hurtful one.

MiloT -- you take the cake!!
I love the advice, "The next time you go out only talk about the three following things during dinner. Amway, Insurance and Jesus."

Best to throw Jesus first -- these idiots probably like Amway and need insurance as they seem to need assurance!

Wow. This is so trippy. Did I write that letter to Miss Conduct without my knowledge??

I had the exact same dilemma a couple of years ago. And I mean EXACT. I thought I could let it die a natural death, but no such luck. Finally, after not seeing them (ie -- blowing them off) for six months, I sucked it up and wrote the dreaded "Dear John Friend" email.

Long story short: Use these key phrases...
"I really sorry but we just can't be the friends you need us to be. You both definitely deserve people who want as much of your time as you want of theirs. I wish you the best of luck."

Basically, it's a nice way of telling them to go pound sand. And it's saying in no uncertain terms that you're done with them. Goodbye. Trust me, you'll breathe such a huge sigh of relief once you've hit "send."

I really hope this works for you. Stalker/toxic friends are no fun. And life is waaay too short to spend time with people you don't really want to hang out with.

I had a similar experience with someone and it took me a while to break up. Every time I spent time with her I'd come home feeling depressed and angry with myself for me putting me into that bad pace. My husband comments every time and yet I kept going back. She had a serious lack of self esteem and was serious negativity all the time and I guess I though I could be a positive influence. I finally had an opening where I could tell her I didn't need that in my life (serious health issue for me... all she could do was relate horror stories about others in the same situation). It's was insensitive and pretty stupid at the most basic level. All over now... I'm fine and she's still out of my life.

You need to stop answering the phone and stop responding to inquiries. Life is too short to spend with people who do bad things to your head.

Why do women insist in going out "as couples"? I feel bad for your boyfriend/husband, he probably dreads that twice as much (since they are really YOUR acquaintances), and the other guy is probably just as miserable.

How about this: Tell her that on XX night your husband is going out with some friends, and you'll be ther by yourself. Use that excuse to make it a low key event and cut it out short. Next time tell her YOU have something but he can go. So on and so forth. The awkwardness of the meetings should be enough.