Response to "Painful questions," part I

Your responses to last Thursday's question, from a divorced single mother hurt by the apparently innocuous comments of friends, were fantastic! It was a short thread, but a terrific one. Thanks for lots of food for thought!

First off, I agree with everyone who posted that the LW sounded as though she were beyond the bounds of normal unhappiness, and ought to make some changes in her life. Also, that having every other weekend alone thing--that is fairly congratulation-worthy, even if the circumstances that brought it about are less than ideal. If a working mother can't appreciate having every other weekend free of child care responsibilities--well, then she is beyond the bounds of normal unhappiness, and ought to make some changes in her life.

I'm not the only one who noticed the apparent contradiction in the LW's statement that she is " not looking for sympathy, but often find my friends completely oblivious to struggles (i.e., profound loneliness and feelings of being overwhelmed) of a divorced person." Is she sharing her problems with her friends, or expecting them to know without being told? JoGeek expressed it well:

Second, the letter seems to imply, somewhat, that the friends should somehow automatically know when the writer is struggling. Friends are not, and should not be expected to be either psychic or professional counselors. If you need help, you need to ask for help. If you need emotional support, you need to ask for that too. Just keep in mind that you may have to specify what you need, when you need it, and even though they're your friends they may not be able to provide it. Not if what you really need is a professional counselor.

I often get letters from people going through some kind of hard time or other, who aren't happy with the way their friends and family express support. Sometimes the support is expressed pretty badly indeed; sometimes it's simply not to the particular need of the letter-writer. There's nothing wrong, in such a situation, with telling your friends what you need to hear from them. People want to help so instead of making them take blind whacks as though your psychic pain were a piñata, tell them what would be helpful. "Just let me vent and say horrible things and then erase your memory." "Tell me something nice about myself." "Have you ever gone through anything like this? Tell me how it was and remind me I can get through it." "Tell me something silly. Or explain derivatives to me. I need to be distracted."

The ConductMom is a pro at this, and it's a good trait in a friend or mom, because I know I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes it can be a little disconcerting when she calls me out of the blue and says, "Tell me something funny!", but it did help me hone the improv skills that serve me so well today.

Keep in mind, too, that we can't always expect our friends to get us in all the phases of our lives, good or bad. We go into countries they can't. Accept these limitations, and seek your own kind when you need to. As commenter k put it,

When you have a personal problem of any kind that none of your friends can relate to, even if they truly care, it can bring on immense loneliness. They will never get it until they are in your shoes, so it would truly be better to widen your circle of friends and advisors to incorporate some people who can commiserate/advise/distract you.

More to come on this question, and the issues it raises about the distinction between rude and hurtful.