Thursday question: Obnoxious team mates

A couple of thoughts. One is actually my boss' thought - that peoples' greatest strengths can also be their greatest weakness (and vice versa). Is it possible to think about how the qualities that irk you also make them a strong member of the team? You could then try to nudge them in a direction that allows the team to become stronger.

One of my favorite examples came from a friend. She told me one day that she loves - basically - bossing other people around, that she likes to tell people how to do their jobs. She realized this quality isn't always received well. So she went into quality assurance, an area where she has to find problems and explain them in a nice way to the people who put them there. She felt like she had channeled her negative quality into something extremely positive for the entire team and for her.

I used to be more irritated by negative people than I am now. But I realized that people who see things through brown-colored glasses are very useful because they tell you just how bad things can possibly get. Then you can set the "floor" and know that things probably won't get that bad.

Another thought is to try to concentrate on the things that each team member does well and to just appreciate the whole package. As an example in my own life, I have a very good visual memory and my husband has a very poor one. When we travel in the car, he always needs directions, even to places he's been many times. I used to get irritated, but I've come to realize that just as I complete that part of him, he completes parts of me that aren't so strong. For example, he has a good reading memory (I read something and tend to forget it quickly). Together we make a good team and we're able to laugh about it. Also, this is just the way he is and the way I am and nothing can change it, really.

So I guess I'm not exactly answering your question. Hidden in your message was the question "How can I change *them*" You can't. You can adjust to them, though, and think about how their qualities can contribute to a stronger team, rather than detract from one. And then you can apply your own leadership skills to prompt your team members into roles that the others can't do or can't do as well.

Hope this helps, at least a little bit.

I think just a general statement at the beginning of the school year stating your hopes for the year. For example:

Hope your summers went well, I think we did a great job last year, but I want to do even better this year! I think we need to be positive and upbeat. Also, we need to work together ..etc, etc.

That way, it seems more general.

Pick up a book on communication styles. I wish I could recommend something off the top of my head (maybe Miss Conduct can!) but Amazon has a wealth of books about interpersonal communication. Once you figure out what people are trying to accomplish with their communication styles, communicating with them becomes easier. Not easy, because adjusting to meet the other person’s needs takes effort, but it is easier. But if it starts with you, others might notice a change in the group dynamic and start to make more of an effort as well.

The other thing that could help is to organize a (brief) social gathering (lunch, a local exhibit, a happy hour), where teaching talk is off limits. Getting to know each other on a more personal level can help you understand where each other is coming from in the classroom.

(Full disclosure, I am a total Pollyanna about this stuff because it was my chosen field in college. Yes, some people are beyond all the reading and effort you can put forth, but looking at the person instead of or in addition to the behavior is a good way to help yourself from going crazy in the meantime.)

We used a great book in my Org Structure and Behavior class in college called "The Courageous Follower" (I don't recall the author). One overriding theme was goal-oriented management, the need to have agreed-upon goals in a group and always govern, plan, etc. to "the goals," which removes personality clashes from the equation quite a bit. You don't have to attack or dismiss or promote ideas based on the person, but on whether or not the suggestions, actions, etc. relate to your goal. When things get testy in a group, a simple "OK let's go back a review our goals" may be enough to remove tension and remind everyone to get back on the same page again. There was a lot more in the book than this, if you have some time over the summer it is well worth reading.

I think as teachers, we sometimes have difficulty setting boundaries with our coworkers. In order to retain some level of sanity, I had to learn how to do this. When conversation gets negative at lunch or in the hall, it's okay to walk away, go back to your desk, or even to say, "Sorry, but I really need to focus on X right now. Can we regroup and talk about this later?" We all need to vent, because our job is stressful. However, teachers can have a tendency to live in that negative, venting space and to not realize how we're effecting our co-workers, to say nothing of our students.

Another tactic I've used is having a one-on-one conversation with team members, framing it as, "Hey, you seem to be having a tough time with kid x/parent y/ administrative decision z. Is there anything I can do do help?"

Personally, hard as it can be at times, I do always try to focus on the positives at school. "Let's look at how far this kid has come!", that sort of thing. And I agree with one of the previous posters that it's also a good idea to begin the year with a meeting that frames your goals for the year. This should include goals for your meetings together as a group, as well as your goals as a team of teachers working together for the common goal of student achievement. It's also important to always have an agenda for your meetings. If people start to get too off track with the negativity/inflexibility, it's easy then to refer to the clock and the agenda and give a firm, "In the interest of time, perhaps we should move on."