Monday question: First-naming grownups

The LW answered his/her own question: Ask the person what they prefer, no matter what age they are. We live in a time in which the "rules" for this sort of thing are in flux. So the most considerate thing to do is ask. And I'd lean on the side of formality in the cases in which it is not possible to ask or you think you're not going to see them again. But then I'm from a generation that was brought up to address all adults with a title of some sort. (It was a major adjustment in grad school to start addressing professors by their first names, instead of Professor LastName, presumably because at that point we were considered adults and peers in all but degree.)

I prefer when people call me by my first name. Mrs."Smith" sounds like my mother-in-law. I am not comfortable with it, however I understand that not everyone feels the same.

Personally, I would ask. Your uncertainty is justified because different people will want to be referred to differently. It's best to ask because if you introduce your children to someone as Ms. Jones, Ms. Jones may like to be called Jill but may not tell your children that because she views it as impolite to correct something you have taught your children. At the same time, if you introduce your children to Tom, he may be offended that you are not asking your children to refer to him as Mr. Smith.

I was raised the same way and I continue to address my parents' friends and neighbors by Mr./Mrs./Ms./Dr. When children call me by my first name, I think it is presumptuous and rude.

We grew up calling grown-ups that were close to our family Ms. First Name or Mr. First Name, ex. Mr. Bill. My dad is from the South and this is how he did it growing up. This was only used for grown-ups that we were very close to like neighbors and good family friends. We addressed all other grown-ups by last name. My kids do this today and it works well.

I also wonder about this topic as my best friends's three year old uses my first name. I have to say it makes me feel less like an adult and more like a teen-aged babysitter. I am 32 years old and I was also brought up to call any adult my parents age by their formal title. In fact, I still use these titles until I am told it is ok to call them Mary, Bob, etc. If I had a choice, I would rather be a "fake auntie", as it denotes I am an adult not a playmate. Most of all, I think it is great for kids to understand there are multiple forms of address and not everyone prefers to be addressed in the same manner. This is one of those opportunities for kids to learn that the world is a very diverse place. BTW, I am a life-long liberal Bostonian.

It used to be a lot easier for kids when parents came in pairs and used the same name, e.g Mr. and Mrs. Smith. One could reasonable expect a child to master formal address under those circumstances. I support family diversity in all its forms, but I take pity on kids who are asked to master the formal names of their friends' parents, either single or in blended groups of from one to four or more, when the parent(s) don't necessarily even share their child's last name. e.g. "Ms. Schenkel-Ojibway and Mr. Van Elf." Give the kid a break. Keep it simple: Sarah's parents are Gunther and Penelope.

I have always been uncomfortable using the "formal" naming of Mr. or Mrs. So-and-So. It seems phony and I pretty much dropped the convention after leaving junior high. My use of first names has occasionally raised some eyebrows...such as calling a boyfriend's mother by her first name, which created a couple minutes of awkwardness...but addressing a person by anything other than their first name seems unnatural to me, and it did even when I was an elementary school student. Now, unless someone explicitly introduces themselves to me by their title and last name (in which case I usually assume the person is either on an ego-trip or a withered old bag), I always assume the default is first-name basis, regardless of age. There is also a difference between relatives (where aunt and uncle can be considered terms of endearment and not just respect) and addressing a stranger. The first seems warranted.

Mr./Mrs. end of story. Stop trying to fight your age by insisting that kids call you by your first name. You are not a kid anymore. You are an adult.

When my three boys were little, a wonderful family moved in across the street. We were introduced to parents and children by their first names and it just naturally fell into place that all of my boys referred to them as such. The father had a strong connection with my boys and they often called him "Big John" instead of John. We all loved it. During these preschool years, there was always raging debate over whether to call an adult Mrs. So-and-so or simply a first name. I never had a strong opinion about it and allowed my children and the adult to come to their own comfortable place on name-calling. For the most part, if an adult wanted to be called Mrs. So-and-so, she would call me Mrs. in front of her kids and my kids would follow suite.

Well, now that my oldest boy is 11, he has shifted to call our very wonderful neighbors by their formal (Mr. and Mrs.) names. My youngest boy will occasionally shift to "Big John" but for the most part, first names for adults have become awkward and uncomfortable for my boys. In addition, those toddlers who spent so many years referring to ME by my first name have, for the most part, shifted to Mrs. So-and-so or "Hi, may I speak to Evan? (without a name at all)" or "Evan, do you think your mom will let you sleep over?"

I miss being called by my first name but I also embrace this change that has come so naturally to them. I smile when I hear this debate still occurring with mothers of younger children. Just like whether you send them to an "academic preschool" or a "play-first preschool," whether they call you by first name or formal name, it all seems to be a wash in the end. I think kids should be respectful -- of adults, of peers, of little brothers, of moms and dads --- and in the end, it doesn't matter what you are called but HOW you are called it!

Not everyone is fine with first names. Not everyone is fine with last names. Assumptions are what get people into trouble (not real trouble, but the kind of trouble where you've caused resentment or annoyance). People have all sorts of preferences for how they should be addressed -- something I think this blog has covered in other contexts, but which has equal applicability to this scenario. Some people are quite emotionally invested in how they should be addressed by children.

I believe the best solution is to ask -- "Nice to see you, x. This is my child, LittleY. How would you prefer to be addressed by LittleY?" Asking in front of the child may seem awkward, but I think it's not only fine, but helpful: your child learns that people feel personal about their names, that different people have different preferences, that it is important to consider those preferences. Of course, you don't have to turn it into a teachable moment and can also just pull the person aside and ask privately, "how would you like to be addressed by my child?"

I say when in doubt, ask, although I do think it is much more common to use first names these days.

In Louisiana, they often do Ms./Mr. First name, like Ms. Jan or Mr. Fred. Seems like a decent compromise to me.

I have the same dilemma. My 7 year old daughter says all her friends call friends' parents by their first names. I told her just because they do that doesn't mean it's okay to do so. I have requested that she refers to all her friends parents as Mr. and Mrs. unless specifically told by that parent to call them by their first name. Then, it is okay. I think it's very important to teach kids about respect in this way and that adults are to be respected, firstly with their names. I would NEVER allow my kids to call me by my first name, and I ask her friends to refer to me as Mrs. so and so.

You could introduce adults to your kids as Mr. or Mrs. So and So. Then, if the adults prefer, they can say, "please call me Joe" or "most kids call me Miss June."
I'm from the old school in which kids' interactions with adults should be a little more formal and deferential. I think it's odd when kids call grownups who are not relatives by their first names, with no title in front, such as Miss, Pastor or Auntie. Fortunately in our community, the all the kids address the adults with Mr. and Mrs. titles.

In my neighborhood full of children, we actually had a conversation about this topic. At first our children at the age of 5 ish were calling neighbors by their first names. As neighbors we had the conversation and decided to become a bit more formal and now they all call us by Mr. and Mrs. last name. The exception is very close friends who have been part of our lives before our children were born and most likely will continue to be in our lives. I have a 15 yr old son and I honestly didn't want his friends saying "Hey Susan, will you give me a ride?" I find in my town most kids are formal.

when I was growing up, we ALWAYS said "Mr. & Mrs" to the neighbors, even though the other kids only called them by their first names, and my parents insisted they be given the same respect. For close friends of my mom and dad, we called them "Aunt & Uncle" which I think is fine. Some of my friends have their kids, that are really young call me "Miss Nancy" which I also think is fine, but still respectful. I don't think it is right for kids to be calling grownups only by their first names.

My friends instruct their children to refer to adult friends of the family using "Mr." or "Ms." followed by first names. For example, their kids call me "Mr. Dave." I find that it's a really nice compromise. It's not too formal, yet it still teaches the children that adults should be shown a certain respect.

There's definitely a geographic difference. Having just lived in Nashville for three years, adults were referred to as Mr. or Mrs., but followed by the first name rather than the last name, ie. Mr. George or Miss Linda. I actually ended up liking this quite a bit...it seems much less formal, yet still retains some element of respect and distinguishing between adults and children.

I am child-free and have no personal preference, so I follow the lead of my friends (the parents) on this. I lived in the deep South for many years, and custom there is that children are taught to refer to other adults as "Miss" or "Mr." I don't mind being Miss Bluemoose, even if I think it sounds weird, as I love that my friends are teaching their children respectful interactions with adult. I wouldn't dream of undermining that by allowing my Yankee ears to be offended.

The LW's suggestion that she ask other adults what they would like to be called is a good one, especially if the asking and answering is done in front of the children in question. It is, in my non-professional experience and judgement, never rude to ask someone their preferences, and the LW will be setting an excellent example for her/his children.

This can be a tough one. I personally prefer to be called by my first name by friends of my children, and I think most of the other parents agree. However, I would NEVER be OK with my children calling teachers or clergy by their first names unless they were specifically asked to - and that has not happened. Generally, I think it is up to the adult to direct the child on what they want to be called. I think it's awkward for the parent to ask the adult and then tell the child. Bottom line, if you're uncomfortable with how a child is addressing you - correct them politely and move on if they don't listen- but as a parent, don't feel like you have to go out of your way to ask for direction.

I actually noticed growing up that this seemed in some ways to be a city/suburbs divide: I grew up in the city, and called neighbors and my friends' parents (basically everyone my parents age) by their first name by itself, while people of my grandparents' generation were Mr. and Mrs. When I started going to school in the suburbs (middle and high school), my friends parents all wanted to be Mr. and Mrs.

Yes, definitely do teach them to call adults by their formal titles, and leave it to the grownups in question to say, "Oh, please, just call me Bob." Many of them won't. Just because the adults in question haven't been saying anything about it (to the kids or to the parents) doesn't mean they're not quietly annoyed or unimpressed. When in doubt, err on the side of politeness-- there's really no downside, and your kids will feel comfortable and prepared if they find themselves in a situation where the proper address really is necessary. By the way, the tendency of calling grownups by first names is far from universal-- perhaps you're living in a certain niche, but I've never seen it in the Northeast, Midwest, or South.
Incidentally, this goes for adults in business settings as well-- I've had bank tellers, insurance agents, etc., call me by my first name, and it just brushes me the wrong way. I'm in my early 30s and not an old fogey.

As a 38-year-old mother of two (ages 5 and 1), I too have noticed this change. My daughter even calls friends of her grandparents by their first names. I think it just reflects a societal shift toward informality. I certainly am not offended when children address me by my first name. In fact, I think I'd be much more uncomfortable if they called me Mrs. "Smith." In terms of showing respect, I think how children (and adults for that matter) behave toward others is much more important than the names by which they refer to them.

This is straightforward: Kids should be taught to address ALL adults as "Mr./Ms."...any adult who prefers the less-formal will tell them so.

It simply makes your kids come across as more polite and likable.

Ever since I was old enough to speak I always addressed adults as Mr. and Mrs. so and so until they corrected me and said "oh you can call me Steve" or "you can call me Mary". I believe this is good practice, and showing respect for elders is always a great way to maintain good relationships and make good impressions. I do still think many people are like this, and although they wouldn't be offended if a child or someone younger than them called them by their first name, you can never go wrong by addressing them more formally.

I have three children, now 12, 14 and 16, and feel very strongly that they should call adults by their title and surname (i.e., Mrs. Smith). It's a sign of respect, and I insist on it. Many of my friends have said, "Oh, that's okay, he can call me Jane," and I explain that that's not accepted in our house. My daughter, when she was about four, once asked a woman at the playground what her last name was before she would address her. If you're on the fence about this, I would assume that someone of your parents' generation would want to be called by their 'formal name' by your children, unless they specify otherwise. I've heard that this call should be made by the person who is being addressed, but I disagree. I think it's the parent's call to make, and I think it should be consistent to avoid confusion on the child's part.

My children address everyone as Mr., Mrs., or Ms.. Lastname until they are invited to use a first name. At one preschool, the teachers were Miss , at the other they just went by first names. Elementary school teachers are all Mr., Mrs., or Ms. Lastname. We have a number of friends who they address by their first names.

I think you've answered your own question. "[You] personally like being referred to by [your] first name by pretty much everyone." I think in this day and age, most people do.
If you introduce your children to another adult, by all means use their formal name. If the adult corrects you and says "call me <firstname>," or if the adult introduces himself to your kids, then of course that is the name your kids should use.

I agree with this mother that addressing adults by their last name initially is the way to go. Often times people who want to be called by their first name come right out and say, "Oh no. Please call me Sally." This society is moving quickly away from all things proper and conventional. It is not wrong to try and hold onto those ideals when addressing adults. It also reminds the child that their is a difference between child and adult; something else that is being neglected more and more.

Absolutely children should be taught to use Ms., Mrs., Mr., etc. They don't call their school teachers by their first names, correct?

I found that when my children were very young, nearly everyone we were in conduct with was on a first-name basis. However, as they grew, others we met started to refer to me to their children as Mrs. S. I generally use the same formal Mr. or Mrs. or Coach Bob, if that is the case. That is the recognized format at this point. In cases where an adult is commonly known to children by his/her first name, I add "Miss or Mr." before it.

I'm 27 and when I was growing up we ALWAYS called everyone Mr. Mrs. or Ms., Aunt or Uncle. If my friends' parents preferred their first name, then I'd still call them "Mr. Mike" or "Ms. Liz" This is what my mother wanted me to do, so I did it.
Basically, you make the rules when it comes to how your child addresses elders.
People may have their preferences, but you're teachig your child a valuable lesson about the etiquette when addressing peers and addressing elders or superiors.

What we do with our children is

1) We ask any adult what they wish to be called...starting with a more formal approach: Do you prefer Mr. or Mrs. ____? or Uncle or Aunt___? or __firstname___?

2) We also tell the children to ask adults: "What would you like me to call you?"

That way the preference of the adult being addressed is the starting point. If an adult wants to be called Bob? Or Bobby? or Uncle Bobby? or Mr. Smith?...the adults wishes are respected.

Teach your kids to always say Mr. or Mrs. I think it's polite. It's very rude and impolite to call a teacher by the first name, unless the teacher specifically says it's okay.

you want your children to be respectful, teach them respect. that means formality until you and they are invited to be informal by the other person.

you: "joey, mary, this is our new neighbor, ms. smith."
kids: "nice to meet you, ms smith."
ms. smith: "oh please, call me dorothy!!" OR "nice to meet you, joey and mary!"

take your cues from the people you meet. i've never met anyone who complained about a child's good manners ... this will serve them well in adulthood.

Yes definitely. Children should refer to adults by their formal name, unless the adult tells them otherwise. (And no I'm not an old-timer saying this - I'm not even 40.) I cant imagine anyone calling me by my formal name, but that's my choice.

Ask the person what they prefer. You will be surprised by how many people prefer using a title rather than a first name.
--Dana

I was taught the same way (to say Mr., Mrs., Aunt, etc.), but parents these days don't seem to care about kids being respectful. I see this a lot with kids who are between 7 and 17; that age group seems to be from parents who just let them do whatever they want to appease and coddle them. My kids, who are 5 1/2 and 21 mo., will definitely be addressing people using Mr. and Mrs. Kids down south are still required to use "yes/no ma'am/sir". Why shouldn't kids up her do the same. It's only out of respect. Btw, I'm only mid 30's.

Great question! I like to introduce adults to my toddler as Mr. or Ms. First Name. Although it sounds a bit cheesy, I think it enforces that there should be a level of respect for elders while not being quite as "stuffy" and formal. I'd love to hear what other have to say about this topic!

Friends and acquaintances almost always introduce me to their children by my first name, which makes me very uncomfortable. Clearly, many people here agree that it is proper to use the title unless asked otherwise. I always wonder what to say to resolve this without putting anyone off - these are generally nice people that I like, and don't want to embarrass.

We ask, but good family friends are referred to by first name and/or honrary Uncle/Aunt titles. I prefer to be addressed by my first name, I don't like the Mrs. moniker. I think it's a little dated for *my* tastes, but to each their own.

In general, I think you should use proper titles (Mrs. Jones, Mr. Smith, Aunt Helen, etc.) for anybody older than you are. If the title is professional (like "Dr. Smith") then use titles regardless of age, unless your acquaintence with that person is personal and not within the context of that person's profession...subject to my first statement. It's about time bratty children (and rude adults for that matter) started respecting their elders.

My problem with titles is the way that women's titles are generally indicative of their relationship to men. Mrs. Blah is married. Miss Blah is unmarried (and wow do I hate that it seems to be endemic in the pre-school culture to refer to the teachers as "Miss Danielle" and "Miss Courtney". ) Ms. Blah is probably unmarried because otherwise she would ask you to call her Mrs. Blah. Our culture continues to tell our daughters in subtle but omnipresent ways that it is their relationship to men that provides at least some portion of their visible identity. It doesn't hurt to teach kids that the default is firstname lastame until the person themselves tells you differently.

Noel, if you want to teach your children "a valuable lesson" about etiquette, teach them to call someone by the name that person prefers. If someone asks to be referred to as "John", then calling him "Mr. Doe" is rude. That's the etiquette rule for children just as it is for adults.

So far, with my pre-school kids, people have introduced themselves. Their teachers are Ms. First Name. Their new kindergarten teachers are Ms. Last Name. Our friends are all Auntie/Uncle regardless of actually blood relationship. That has worked so far. But when we start doing kindergarten things, I'm sure that will change...

I am in my 50s and I still can't bring myself to call older adults that I've known all my life by their first names! It's still Mr. Neighbor and Mrs. Friendsmom to me.

I like the suggestion that children be taught to call someone Mr. or Mrs. Lastname unless he/she specifically says, "please call me....". It's part of teaching them manners -- that they should assume the more formal way of doing things until someone gives them permission to do otherwise. I think it's wrong to teach children to ASSUME that it's okay to call adults by their first name. And parents, please let kids call you Mr. or Ms. Lastname if that's what they've been taught. It's not meant to make you feel old, it's meant to teach the kids to be respectful.

Having grown up in Boston and now living in Texas, I agree that there is a geographic difference. Growing up, I always used Mr. and Mrs. Lastname for all adults, except family. Here Texas, close adult friends are referred to as Mr. and Mrs. (or Miss) Firstname or Coach Firstname. Teachers and other adults that our kids do not know very well will use the more formal Mr. and Mrs. Lastname. However, down here, almost everyone uses "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" something I pretty much never heard used growing up in the north.

Mr Chongo (#7) made me laugh because it is true. Life isn't simpy Mr and Mrs Jones anymore. I am a native Bostonian and grew up in a family where all of our aunts and uncles were addressed by their first name 'Mary','Bill'. In my family the use of a first name meant that you were a very close, endeared friend or relative. Our neighbors were Mrs./Mr. So and So if we weren't close to them. Elderly neighbors were referred to as Grandma and Grandpa Murphy.
I believe it is OK to ask what people prefer to be called. For strangers-default to Mr/Mrs. Johnson.
I am actually 'Doctor Smith'-That's my maiden name-I am not 'Mrs. Smith' (that is my Mother-God rest her soul)! I am also not my husband's property 'Mrs. Dgynzy'. Also, this is a name you cannot pronounce, anyway-so why try. Either call me Dr. Smith, Dr. Susan -really my first name will do just fine. I hate when school teachers/principals insist on calling me Mrs. even when corrected! I find that rude.
My husband isn't from the US, so in his native language/culture relatives and adults freinds are referred to as 'Aunt Mary' and 'Aunt John'. My kids adapted this on their own and now refer to their American relatives as 'Aunt Mary'-but the word 'aunt/uncle' is in the foreign language. My relatives love it! My 2 closest friends come from more traditional backgrounds-so the kids refer to one as 'Aunt Beth' using foreign word for aunt from my husband's language-even though she is American. She loves this. It makes her feel special. My other friend is called 'Auntie' in her native language.

"My use of first names has occasionally raised some eyebrows...such as calling a boyfriend's mother by her first name, which created a couple minutes of awkwardness...but addressing a person by anything other than their first name seems unnatural to me"

This is an excellent example of what NOT to do: Disrespectfully address others in the a way that makes you feel comfortable, and them feel awkward. This is how we end up with sales clerks, waiters and telemarketers who address us by our first names.

Children should be taught the rules that are standard not only in America, but in other countries and other languages as well: start with the more formal address, and let the adult offer a more informal alternative if they wish.

This clearly is generational. The custom is changing to first name calling. However, you can't rack your brains out wondering what people want to be called by. Since the tide is shifting the older generation (and others) that prefers to having a title placed before their name will have to adjust and get used to being called by their first names. It is kind of like the antiquated practice of taking a hat off inside or at a meal. It was a silly practice and is no longer generally practiced.

Type your comment here..
I married into a Chinese-American family, and enjoy being called "Auntie" by those in the younger generation. I address older Chinese-Americans, whether distant family members or friends' relatives, as "Auntie" or "Uncle". They seem to appreciate the respect it connotes, and I don't worry about mispronouncing their names.
(When I call my mother-in-law "Ma" it translates to "horse." My husband knows to call her "Mom.")

Some of my in-laws were visiting recently and my 9th grade nephew addressed me once or twice by my first name. I disliked it but then forgot about it till this posting came along. I don't want it to happen again though, so I probably need to say something, sigh. My husband's family is more casual in general than mine, and it feels churlish to make a stink. I could probably ask my husband to handle it, first asking his sister what her policy is and then relaying my preference. As I write, I realize I don't know how my nephew has been addressing my husband. So, maybe I should discuss with my husband now, and go from there.

I am almost 30, and was taught to address adults as "Mr." and "Mrs." When a few of my friends' parents requested their first names, I stopped calling them by name, because my parents were pretty firm on using titles. Now I am an adult. I am irritated when my in-laws introduce me to their friends, "Laura, meet Mr. and Mrs. Jones." I am an ADULT. If I am being introduced by my first name to another adult, then I expect to address that ADULT by their first name. Otherwise, if I'm expect to call you Mr. Jones, I'd prefer to be called Dr. Blah-blah. There is respect for elders, and then there's an acknowledgement that I am also a grown-up. This is a different issue from what I want my nephews and friends' children to call me.

One thing I will say, unless a child is in preschool and calling the teacher Miss Jean, I really don't think they should call teachers by their first names. To me, this gives the impression of a level playing field where none exists. One of our Rabbis told my daughter (first grade at the time) that she could him by his first name. I told her that Rabbi was his first name and she could either call him Rabbi or Rabbi Cohen. Heck, even I don't call the Rabbi by his first name and we are comtemporaries!

I was raised in the same manner as the letter writer. I had a hard time getting over the Mr. and Mrs. thing as an adult, let me tell you!

My children (now almost 13 and 16) call my close friends by their first names. For extremely close friends, they will use "Aunt" and "Uncle". But I mean people we socialize with on a very regular basis. Everyone else is Mr. and Mrs. until otherwise instructed by the adult. I do expect others to follow the same rules. Now that I deal with mostly teenagers, I actually find they are quite good at calling me Mrs. After a bit, I usually tell them to call me by my first name.

I agree with the early poster who suggested Ms. First Name. My child uses respectful titles with all adults. In my opinion it teaches respect. I use the convention of Ms. Last Name professionally until such person permits me to address them by first name.

To those who don't want to be considered old like their parents: it has already happened. Accept it. It's ok.

Barring certain circumstances that may require clarification (ie "Hello, I'm Tom Jones" -is he "Tom" or "Mr. Jones"?), I think you should address people the way they introduce themselves.

I just hope people are up front about what they want to be called, and don't silently stew on the inside when the neighbor boy calls them something they find inappropriate.

I think you should start with the formal and move to the less formal as the person indicates. Imposing (by assumption) your view of the relationship on a person is incredibly rude.

Christina # 8 makes my point. Her privileged obliviousness to what might be important to another person, or what customs others might follow is the height of entitlement. Her lack of respect and her assumption that anyone who disagrees with her choice of name is "either on an ego-trip or a withered old bag" is why I would prefer that someone like her call me by my formal title. I would prefer the distance that it implies.

How and what we are called is an important element of our identity. Respecting that is a sign of maturity. Also, in addition to the regional differences, there are race, gender and socio-economic issues at play. Black people in this country were called by their first names by white people as a sign of superiority. Black people were denied the usual courtesy titles. As an older black woman, I resent it when young (yes, especially white) people call me by my first name. Men have often called women by their first names, again, as a sign of superiority. Different cultures also have different customs (many of them quite sweet) on how people are addressed, particularly by children. I think Christina's obliviousness to this shows a real ignorance of the diverse and multicultural history of the people she may come in contact with.

I think that referring to older people by their formal title (Mr. and Mrs. ) with their last name is the way to go unless someone explicitly tells you to do otherwise, i.e. "Please, call me Jane." It shows respect and courtesy and we could certainly use more of both.

We've taught our kids to address adults they know as Mr. or Ms. (insert First name). That includes our friends, their friends' parents, babysitters (even teenage ones) and neighbors. Our preschool teachers use this system, while our school-age kids use the traditional last name system for their teachers. Very close friends have been dubbed 'aunties' or 'uncles.' It's a sign of respect.

I grew up in a Chinese household where it was rude to address anyone older than yourself by their names. Instead everyone had a title (familiar or formal) that was used. My brothers were 'big brother and 2nd brother' and while they could have addressed me by name, they preferred 'little sister'. It got complicated outside the immediate family, maternal aunts were one title while paternal aunts were another, etc. My mother thought the 'American' system of addressing everyone by their first names was the rudest thing she had ever heard of!

I generally agree that it is probably best to err on the side of politeness. But some people who get all worked up over the issue of respect sound downright desperate in their powerless lives to exact any form of deference they can wrangle from the few members of society they perceive as weaker than they are: retail clerks, bank tellers, and children. Such fragile egos.

I think this works itself when children enter elementary school. Prior to elementary school, most of my children's friends were really the children of my friends, so calling my good friends by formal titles with last names would have been awkward and unnatural. As they get to an age where they make friends on their own, they naturally gravitiated towards "Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so" - and in the cases where families have different last names, sometimes just to "John's mom" or "Steve's dad" if it is too hard to sort out who is called what. My oldest son and I have different last names and I just take it in stride when I am called "Mrs. Maiden Name" (son's last name) instead of "Mrs. Married Name" and I would hope that all parents in that situation have the grace to not further confuse things and answer to whatever seems logical.

Anyway, as the kids move out of pre-school years I generally teach them to address adults as Mr. or Ms./Mrs. and then let the adult interject with "oh please, just call me Jane" if that's what they prefer.

Make the decision, you do what you think is right. You need to have your children
address the way you want, the other people should not decide.

This deformalization is because people did not want to feel old, or be like their parents and shows a lack of respect, we need to have a level of respect between generations.

If other people want to raise heathens and address me by my first name that is up to them, as much as I don' tlike it, I am not the one to tell them how to raise their kids.

I agree with everyone making the suggestion to get the person's entire name, default to Mr or Mrs [Lastname], and then let the third party comment if he/she wants Firstname used instead.

But to me, there's also a more important aspect of this: being comfortable in greeting people. Sometimes when people meet me, they are afraid of pronouncing my last name incorrectly. I prefer if they try and then I can help them if need be. Sometimes I wonder if adults/kids aren't trying to avoid embarrassment by mangling a last name (or getting a divorcee's name wrong, etc). And won't it help the child later on if he or she knows how to address someone formally, such as in a business setting? And also make them more able to pick up on real cultural differences, such as in a international business setting?

I hate the notion that formality equals respect. It doesn't. My parents always taught me that when people made me upset to just get more and more polite. If someone wants me or my hypothetical children to call them Mr. Smith, then they damn well better call me and the kids by Ms. Jones and Miss and Mr. Blah. Everyone has the right to be called what they want, but they should return in equal formality to all people.

I went to a Montessori school and we called all of our teachers by their first names because we were taught that all people, regardless of age, deserve the same amount of respect.

Really? Sorry, the rules on wearing hats in restaurants and of addressing adults respectfully have never changed or shifted. Just as the rules saying we shouldn't talk with our mouths full or belch at the dinner table. Just because we see others acting badly doesn't mean that we should do it just because there is no parent to enforce the proper behavior. You are saying we should teach our kids to call adults whatever "they" feel comfortable and want to call them rather than what they ask to be called and the adults are just going to have to suck it up and deal with the insult. I hate to see what kind of children we will send into the international workplace and world.

Posted by Marcus August 24, 09 11:28 AMThis clearly is generational. The custom is changing to first name calling. However, you can't rack your brains out wondering what people want to be called by. Since the tide is shifting the older generation (and others) that prefers to having a title placed before their name will have to adjust and get used to being called by their first names. It is kind of like the antiquated practice of taking a hat off inside or at a meal. It was a silly practice and is no longer generally practiced.

what I want to know is...when people introduce themselves these days they never give their last name?

Half the time they never even give their first name and we have to ask. Even when I introduce myself first and give my name.

We just moved to a new neighborhood and noone gives their name when we meet them. what is the deal?

whay

i think if the kids don't know someone's first name and haven't been introduced, they should assume "mr./mrs. so-and-so." but once someone has introduced him/herself using first name, i think it's fine to call them by their first name. when i have kids i'd feel really weird if their friends call me mrs. whatever. i think it's an old-fashioned thing and i don't think it's disrespectful to use a first name to refer to someone who is an adult and not related for sure. if it is a family member then maybe "aunt so-and-so" but i think as the kids get older that's not really necessary. for teachers i think mr./mrs. is more appropriate but if the teacher intro's herself by first name then kids can use first name.

I recently moved from Boston to the south, and most children here seem to be taught to call adults "Miss (firstname)" (or Ms.). It's a nice compromise between teaching kids respect, by using a title, and friendliness.

I too was brought up always calling adults Mr./Mrs. Lastname, except for close family friends, which might be Aunt/Uncle Firstname. (No "Ms." back then!) But I don't mind kids using my first name and will say so if introduced as Mrs. Lastname.

That's all y'all!

"Noel, if you want to teach your children "a valuable lesson" about etiquette, teach them to call someone by the name that person prefers. If someone asks to be referred to as "John", then calling him "Mr. Doe" is rude. That's the etiquette rule for children just as it is for adults."

If you noticed, I pointed out that I was raised to know that if an adult said "Call me John" I'd say "Mr. John"
It's a sign of respect. It's not rude at all.
I fail to see how addressing someone by their proper name is rude. Calling someone by their first name, no matter what they say, is rude because it commands a familiarity that might not be appropriate.
As a child, no one ever gave me any trouble for calling them Mr. Doe or Mr. John.
Especially if when asked why I did so, I responded "My mother prefers me to do it that way."

For adults, the situation is different. If someone tells you they prefer you to address them as a peer, you do so. If they prefer you address them otherwise, you do so.

I really don't see how else you can effectively teach children the art of proper social communication if you don't teach them the differences in who one addresses formally and who one addresses informally. You're dooming your children to many fruitless job interviews where they walk in saying "Hello John, how are you?" as opposed to "Hello Mr. Doe, thank you for meeting with me."

This is an interesting wrinkle related to the topic at hand:

A friend of mine works at a school for emotionally disturbed students with a variety of challenges, problems and disabilities. The entire staff uses only first names with the students. First names is a way for the staff to protect themselves and maintain distance from their students. How does this make sense? Easy: Google. Your last name makes it much easier for a student (who at this school might not have good motives), or anyone, to find out about you and your past. Most first names do not allow this to happen. So I ask, have we come to a point where we need to give first names to people we want to keep at certain distance?

People are people are just, wonderfully, happily and amazingly people so first names are more than fine, they are an honest expression of reality. The titles and degrees and honorifics are turning into an alphabet soup fit to match the ancient royal hierarchies. This is the 21st century, we all share the same home, earth, and I find first names are a wonderful way to spread a little joy, add a touch of personal kindness in someone’s day. For those demanding titles, of all kinds: are you really that insecure? Proud? Self-absorbed? Or maybe you just tradition bound? Look around and look up—same air, same sky over us all. When did a title make you laugh or a formality warm your face the way the sun, clouds and wind can during a walk on a long sand rippled beach?
Life is to be lived so go ahead, if you enjoy being called by your first name, for goodness sake, do it—it is your name and your life. Women often lead in real positive social change. You can teach your children to comply with the instructions of those who demand otherwise and by merely identifying them your children can gain some immediate insight—and so can you!

A friend of my parents once gave me permission to call her by her first name, because ther last name was so long. I couldn't do it; I called them Mrs. H instead. It was much more comfortable for me.

Noel, calling someone what you want, rather than what they say, is rude. You don't get to choose others' titles for them. It's rude because you're ignoring or disrespecting their wishes and imposing what you believe their wishes should have been.

I really don't see how you can effectively teach children respect for others if you don't teach them to respect another's stated wishes. You're dooming them to a job interview in which the interviewer says, "Call me John," and they say "Hello, Mr. Doe."

Sherrie N- I'm sorry, but if you cannot recognize social hierarchies, then you are socially doomed.
When you meet the president, you address him as "Mr. Persident"
When you've gone through years of intensive and difficult study to earn a PhD, you are a doctor. That title is something you've earned with years of hard work. I think you'd agree that there is a very big difference between a doctor and a layman when you need surgery.
When you go to court, you address the judge as "Your Honor" or "Judge" unless you'd like to find yourself in contempt.
Teaching children to master the correct titles for others allows them to successfully navigate social hierarchies.
Formality is an important aspect of the social fabric of the world. We all ask for and command a little respect from time to time, how others address us should reflect that.

If you truly believe we're all the same, then you must understand that we should all be treated with respect. That means that when you're not familiar with someone, you adress them more formally.

And I think it is important to identify that this will change as the age of the child changes, and once you get into high school that line blurs and after college it is pretty non existant. Right now as a mid 30 year old, when I meet my neighbors and we are introduced I will assume the use of the first name because we are contemporaries. However as child (ie elementary school) the thought of using the first name of an adult would have been so foreign to me.

I think it is important for there to be a clear distinction between a child and adult and using formal titles will do that. I still call my BFF's parents Mr and Mrs and vice versa. I do not like the practice of calling non family members "aunt" or "uncle". Growing up in PA I had never heard of this but when I moved to MA it seemed very common.

I agree with Bill (poster #22) err on the side of formal titles, and I agree there are probably more quietly annoyed people out there. I also hate it in a business setting, don't use my first name and act like you know me.

"If you noticed, I pointed out that I was raised to know that if an adult said "Call me John" I'd say "Mr. John"
It's a sign of respect. It's not rude at all.
I fail to see how addressing someone by their proper name is rude. Calling someone by their first name, no matter what they say, is rude because it commands a familiarity that might not be appropriate"

This is so odd to me.

I certainly agree that calling someone by his or her first name regardless what that person has said is rude and inappropriate -- but calling them "Mr./"Mrs." regardless what that person has said is also rude and inappropriate, albeit for different reasons.
It feels respectful to you to always have a "Mr." or a "Ms.," but it is not a sign of respect to ignore someone's wishes, and using "Mr" or "Mrs" when a person has asked for a first name is doing just that -- "I respect you so much, I am going to ignore your clearly stated preference about something as personal to you as your name and will stick to my own rules."

There are several responses here that lay down a rule without considering how the other person might think (from both sides -- the first-namers or the last-namers/title users). That seems neither respectful nor, in some cases, even polite.

Respect isn't a title, it's an attitude. I am more offended by a kid who calls me Mrs.___ and then is rude and sassy than I am by one who calls me by my first name and treats me with respect. To err on the side of caution, I taught my kids to automatically call the adults in their lives by Mr or Ms, and then, if the adults insist on a first name, to use it. There are situations in which first names are never approrpriate, though. For example, I don't know a single elementary or middle school teacher who allows the students to call them by their first name.

I do not like to call people Aunt/Uncle unless they are blood relatives. I don't know why, it is just a thing that I have. The only exception I make to this is a friend of mine who cannot have children and has no siblings either so they will not have any nieces/nephews. I do not mind that my children will be their niece/nephew.

I will always have my children call a teacher by Ms/Mrs/Mr First or Last name. It depends on how the teacher introduces themselves to us. Most now send letters over the summer and then we start referring to the teacher by the name they put on the letter.

As for friends, since we are a casual bunch we all use first names with each other. It is a joke to say "oh I sound like my mother in law" when someone calls me Mrs. So n So.

I think it really depends on what you and the person you are addressing are comfortable with.

Growing up in New England I always used Mr. and Mrs. with the last name; moving to the South it seems that Mr. and Miss with the first name is the norm.

This is what my children do with their coaches, priest and our friends. They all call their school teachers by their last name though, with the exception of preschool.

EUREKA! I have always preferred first name for myself (i'm 38). Now as the mother of an 8 and 7 year old, I had always thought asking the adult is the right way to go, but that may make them feel uncomfortable, as if insisting on Mr or Mrs would seem fusty or uptight. (I just like the word 'fusty'). So, instructing my child to call them Mr or Mrs so and so will allow them to 'informalize' the address if they so choose.
Thanks all for your good input!!

I find it incredibly rude when friends and acquaintances children call me by my given name. I grew up in the 70s and we all called each others parents "Aunt" and "Uncle" When I moved to the South I was pleased to be called "ma'am" and loved being called "Miss Kate" by the children of adult friends.
Where I keep my horses the barn owners children call my my first name. And every time they speak to me it grates on my sense of politeness and propriety. My children call adults close to the family "Aunt" or "Uncle" Acquaintances, or my barn owner owner they call "Mrs" or "Ms" so and so

You should always initially address someone with the proper term, and if they prefer first-name basis they will let you know.

I also think it's rude for children to address adults by their first names without a "Mr" or "Ms" in front of it - but here's something I find even ruder: I teach college classes online. Every semester, almost every student addresses me from the beginning of the class by my first name. I know that email and the internet make things seem less formal. But come on - when has it ever been ok to call a professor by his/her first name before you were told it was ok???

I'm probably in the beginning of this generation of informality, but I cannot grasp why adults would have such a hard time accepting being called by their given name. What makes you think a child respects you more by calling your Mr. or Mrs.? I don't think it's a respect issue at all with children, but a built up habit.

Calling your teacher or a priest by their first name is definitely not right, but seriously, why do adults think they should be called by their surname? I'll never get it.

Funn

I find it jarring to have children call me by my first name. I was raised to call my friends parents, and all adults, Mr or Mrs. To Prof Mel's point, I'm 46 and currently in an MBA program. I still call my professors by their formal title unless invited to do otherwise. Our society has become far too informal and disrespectful.

"They call me Virgil!"

Doesn't have the same ring to it as "They call me Mr. Tibbs!"

I would go with the Mr./Ms./Mrs. Lastname right off the bat to be safe and respectful.

The southern convention of Mr./Ms./Mrs. Firstname always catches me off guard and kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Noel, You are being disrespectful by insisting on your own way even when the other person has told you his or her preference. Also, good spelling is another sign of respect - "Persident"?// mrchongo - Gunther? ~~raises eyebrow~~ Lol// My former MIL (RIP) wanted the grandchildren to call her "Grandma Smith." Not even Grandma, but Grandma Smith. Not only was this enough formality to choke a horse, but it created distance.// My child's elementary school teacher creates said distance by refusing to call the parents by their first names - even when we insist upon it (listening, Noel?). It's the flip side of servers calling us by our first names. We need to listen to the desires of others.

Honestly, I just got back from a trip, and haven't had the time to go through the 80+ responses.

I don't think I ever had to TALK to an adult who was not my relative and didn't come with a pre-existing title. Perhaps that is because we were of the "children should be seen and not heard" school of thought. I think if I HAD to talk to my friend's mom or dad, I said Mrs. X or Mr X. Although now I refer to them as Anne and Harlan.

The only children I know right now are my youngest cousins...and they end up calling me aunt. let's face it when there's a 21 yr age gap bw the youngest (talking) cousin and the oldest, the normal rules of relating don't apply. the rules will be further warped when my youngest cousin (5 months) plays with theoretical offspring of mine.

I agree that children should address adults with the title Mr., Mrs., Miss, etc. It's important for kids to know that this is a sign of respect and general politeness.

That being said...in today's day and age, it can be hard to know if the children will be meeting this person again or if you even know their last name or not. What I've done with my 2.5-year-old is to take cues from the adults he's met outside of the family, which thus far has mostly happened at "Mom & Me" classes and soon-to-be preschool.

Have the child address the adult as "Mr/Mrs/Miss" + "First Name" as in "Miss Katie," "Miss Diane," "Mr. Tom..." -- you get the point. If there's confusion with Mrs./Miss, I generally stick with "Miss." It's a way of showing politeness and the person being addressed (unless they're a total stickler, stick-in-the-mud type) gets the point that I'm trying to teach my kid to address adults with courtesy and respect.

MrAdult and ProfMel, I'm in grad school, and **always** address my instructors by last name unless directed otherwise. However, it seems unfair that other students call the same professors by their first names - it seems like favoritism is being applied, and that by continuing to have me call them "Professor Smith," I am "less than" their other students. Make it consistent, or not at all. // My SIL's children, 20 yrs younger than I am, call me "Aunt reindeergirl." I tell them (and SIL) that "reindeergirl is fine," but they are part of prior post's formal side of the family. SIL doesn't want them to do this, but the kids ended up fine with it. Like I say, go with the desires of the addressee.

reindeergirl- a typo is a typo is a typo. I don't think when saying "Mr. President" I'll have to spell anything.

As a child I was taught it wasn't proper to address an adult by their first name unless it was preceeded by a prefix, ever. If someone had a problem with it, they'd have most likely approached my mother who would have told them that she didn't want me addressing adults informally as if they were my peers. They were not my peers. Adults and children are not peers. Understanding and enforcing that distinction was important. Children, and sometimes adults who spend time with children, need boundaries.

This discussion made me realize an inconsistency in my habits. I was raised to call everyone Mr. or Mrs. __, unless we were super close, in which case I probably called them Auntie or Uncle __. And still, approaching 40, when I meet friend's parents, I use the honorific unless and until they ask me to use their first name. This just feels right to me, and I started reading these comments thinking that would be my vote.

But I don't know a single child who calls me Ms. __, and I just now realized it's never bothered me at all. I have several children who call me Auntie Nutella -- and I *love* that!

Professors are professors, though, even in grad school. I never felt like they were my peers until I actually started working with them after graduation.

I am truly bothered by all of you that feel that children are second class citizens. Why aren't children and adults peers? Why do you feel that children need to be put in their place?

Also, I find Miss or Mister First Name grating, as do my parents and their friends.

This was a huge issue in my neighborhood years ago. I, and another Mom, insisted that our kids call their friends' parents "Mr. or Mrs." the way we did growing up. some of the other mothers hated it. we responded, "we don't care what your kids call us, but this is what we prefer for our kids". it's just important to me. i think that many kids today do not respect authority and it starts from a young age when we treat them as equals and allow them to treat us like equals. I am 43 and kids of my generation treated grown-ups with far more respect than kids do today. i honestly believe this starts with the "first name basis" relationship.

Noel, if the President says "Call me Barry, please" do you still call him Mr. President? I'm really curious about this. It does seem like you allow your rules of what is proper to trump the wishes of the other party, which in some circles and some circumstances would be considered perhaps a little less than polite. However, at the end of the day we all have to abide by our own inner compasses. If someone told me that kicking a puppy was proper etiquette for a particular household, I would still not kick the puppy. Your strong feelings about appropriate adult/child boundaries in speech and actions are reflected clearly in your comments here. I'm not sure that I agree with you, but you are making me think, and I appreciate it.

Noel, you still don't get it. Respect and propriety hinge on HONORING THE WISHES OF OTHERS instead of adhering to your own artificially imposed boundaries. "Mr. Firstname" is disrespectful if the person has ASKED to be addressed by Firstname only, regardless of how the child is being raised.

Perhaps it's just my New England side coming out, but I think the Mr./Miss/Mrs./Ms. Firstname convention is weird and creepy. I am not a preschool teacher, do NOT call me "Miss Jen" under any circumstances, ever. Nor do I want people who are not my nieces or nephews calling me "Auntie."

As for job interviews, I can assure you that I have been on both sides of the desk many, many times and have never, ever addressed the interviewer or candidate by anything other than their first name . This ranges in settings from restaurants to investment management firms. Walking into a job interview and addressing the person you are meeting as Mr./Ms. Lastname comes across as juvenile and stilted. I would argue, in fact, that the skill of teaching a teenager or college student to address the people they work with, regardless of age or title, on a first-name basis is one that we need to teach, as it comes across as a sign of confidence and maturity (this is, of course, assuming that we're not talking about a title-heavy field such as academia, medicine, or law). At my first job I had a really tough time not calling my managers my their title and lastname and was teased mercilessly about it until I learned to just get over it and call them Rose and Mark.

P.S. to harry, #43. "Ms. Blah is probably Miss Blah, otherwise she'd ask you to call her Mrs. Blah."

Hello! The concept of "Ms." has been around for about 40 years now. It means "call me Ms. because my marital status is irrelevant, just like Mr." I used Ms. Jones when I was single and I still use it now that I'm married. Same name, same title. Not that difficult.

SF: Children and adults AREN'T peers, and that's the way it should be. The fact is there is a HUGE power differential between an adult and a child, much like there is a power differential between management and non-management. When the lines get blurry, problems arise (pedophilia, sexual harassment, etc). If a child (or their parent) asks if it's ok for them to call me by my first name, then that's fine but don't assume it's ok to call me by my first name.

Also, I have a family nickname. A FAMILY nickname, it's perfectly acceptable for my cousins to call me that but their friends are not to call me that. I get royally irritated when the family nickname is used by people I barely know (adult or child). A nickname denotes familiarity. The family calls me by my nickname, men usually call me V, my friends have their own nickname for me, and others call me veronica.

I agree that it is best to ask the adult what he/she would like to be called.
I disagree with some of the posters who have suggested that calling someone "Mr." or "Mrs." is an indicator of respect -- and that a child calling an adult "Mary" somehow means that the child has no respect/manners for that adult, or that "Mary" is resisting being called "Mrs. Smith" because of some misguided desire to appear young.
Respect is so much bigger than just a name. I much prefer children call me "Kay" and treat me with respect, it is possible to do both! I grew up calling my parents friends by their first names, and my friends' parents by Mrs. X until instructed otherwise. I never thought the first-named adults deserved less respect, nor did I find the Mr. and Mrs.Xers "fusty"

Ok, for the record, I'm a forty-year-old single woman who was raised in the southeastern US by a Brooklyn-born mom and a Southern-born dad.

What my parents' friends were called was split down the lines of the person's origin. Most close family friends from the southeast asked to be called "Mr/Mrs/Miss. Firstname". Some close family friends originally from the northeast preferred "Aunt/Uncle Firstname". If those titles weren't suggested by the adult, then it was "Mr/Mrs/Miss Lastname". If none of the above, sir or ma'am was used, as in, "Heather, are you enjoying school this year?" "Yes, ma'am, I am."

As I got older (mid- teens into 20s), the courtesy titles were usually dropped at the initiation of the adult.

Today, my cousins' and brother's kids call me "Aunt Heather." Friends' kids call me "Aunt Heather" or "Miss Heather". I don't really care which, and I'm ok with just "Heather" when the kids are a little older.

One's title isn't what demonstrates respect. What demonstrates respect is the attitude, tone, and behavior of the speaker.

Jynx38

Actually #66, addressing an adult by their first name is not disrespectful. Neither is wearing a hat inside or at a meal. Perhaps at one time it was but it is no longer. I am not saying to use names they feel comfortable with. I am saying to not kill yourself trying to figure it out. Standardize it and not have special rules for people.It is bad enough we have sexist titles like Mrs. and Miss. but only one title for men - Mr. Titles are going extinct. Things have indeed changed. We once had titles such as Sir, Baronet, Dukes, Earls, Goody (Goodwife), Goodman, Mistress, etc.

Most of the discussion and debate has been about what is and isn't respectful, what denotes a certain level of intimacy, etc. BUT Matt (#72) brings up a very, very good point. How has the information age changed the equation? Has it been turned upside down? Historically, the rules for addressing one another have been about marking our places in the hierarchy or where our relationships lie along the spectrum from stranger to intimate. But really, in social situations, if I have any doubts about a person, child or adult, I'd just as soon they know only my first name, and I couldn't care less whether they know that I have a Ph.D. (And BTW, Noel, there is very little difference between a Ph.D. and a layman when it comes to surgery - you really want a M.D. for that.) When I was single and dating via the internet, I routinely witheld my last name and was very careful about other personal details, just in case, and I can think of at least one occasion when exchanging last names marked the transition of a relationship from acquaintance to friend. Also, I can think of situations, in a doctor's office, for example, in which one's anonymity is better preserved by using first name only and therefore preferable to and more respectful than the more formal Mr./Mrs./Ms./Miss LastName.

So while I stand by my advice to the original LW to ask, whenever possible, what the individual prefers to be called (which I think is the ultimate form of respect) by the LW and by the LW's children, I may have to re-think my own preferences for Ms. LastName vs. Ms. FirstName vs. FirstName. Perhaps in the 21st century, the need to maintain a modicum of privacy trumps the older rules for respectful address, at least when dealing with strangers?

JustCos, I understand that "Ms" has been around for decades, and I'm delighted that you have used it both as a single and a married woman; however, as you can see by the postings here, use of "Ms" is far from universal. Language is a tool that shapes culture and attitude. I apologize for interjecting the note of humorless, outdated feminism, but I am afraid we have a very long way to go.

veronica, Pedophilia is the result of being on a first-name basis? Who knew? And all these years, I thought is was a sociopathy. "Uncle this" and "Aunt that" - some famous pedos have been called - ever here of "funny uncle"? However, I agree with you on the family nickname thing - I hate it when near-strangers call me "reinie" instead of "reindeergirl." // Have people considered that CHILDREN need to be respected? Tell you what, you folks so uptight about honorifics return to the days of calling the children Ms. This or Mr. That, and we can all be level the great playing field of respect.

Actually #66, addressing an adult by their first name is not disrespectful. Neither is wearing a hat inside or at a meal.

Actually, all are disrespectful, as is the attitude that every rule can be dismissively waved away as dated by someone who just doesn't feel like following them.

Maybe addressing an adult by their first name and wearing a hat inside or during meals is perceived to be disrespectful to some people. But the intent is not disrespectful. Like I said you can rack your brains out worrying what others will think. As a waiter I used to refer to women as "Mam" and "Ms" and men as "Mr" and "Sir" but I was berated so many times because people felt it insulting especially older folks. You can't be a mind reader. If one wishes to be called by something it is their responsibility to make that known. But the bottom line is it is not disrespectful if you do not intend it to be so.

On the subject of hats; asking someone to remove an article of clothing (which a hat is) is insulting to say the least.

reindeergirl: well not a first name basis, but NAMBLA espouses the attitude that children are little adults and fail to see the difference between children and adults. there is an EXTREME power differential between children and adults, and BOTH sides need to respect that.

I was called Ms. Last name through most of my college years, and I graduated in 2006. Mostly it was the Jesuits who preferred to refer to me as such. in my public high school and earlier years, you knew you were in trouble if called by ms. last name or mr. last name. it was nice to be called ms. last name and NOT be in trouble

I have to agree. How can you know what to call someone when they don't tell you. You run the risk of insulting or offending someone by using titles such as Mr., Ms., Sir, Mam, etc. And hats? I could see if wearing a hat interfered with what someone is doing to expect them to take it off. But wearing a hat during a meal is do different than wearing a tie or sweater. What about those people that are under going radiation treatments for cancer and have lost their hair. Is it considered polite to ask them to humiliate themselves because they are embarrassed by their appearance due to their treatment?

As a mom of a 2-year-old this issue has recently come up now that my daughter is talking up a storm. Personally, I don't want to be called "Mrs. X" because all I can think of is my mother-in-law. I grew up in MA and mostly called my parent's friends by their first names. I guess I don't really see how calling someone "Mrs. X" makes you respectful. My husband on the other hand grew up calling everyone "Mr. & Mrs. X" and still does. I even had to call my in-laws "Mr. & Mrs. X" until we got married at which time they requested for me to call them "Mom & Dad". I told them I didn't feel comfortable with that and now call them by their first name which is still awkward. At least now that we have a child I can call them "Grandma & Grandpa". Ugh. It's so complicated!

This is so easy...just ask what they prefer. As long as they don't answer that they should be "Baron von Farfignegen, Count of Prissyness, and Knight of the Table" you should be set.

Of course, if you introduce yourself properly (something else going by the wayside lately it seems) asking is probably not necessary. You'll go, "Hello Mr. Thompson, my name is Amy" and they might answer, "Hi Amy (knowing what you want since you introduced yourself as such), nice to meet you, please feel free to call me Bob." Done, done, and done.

I grew up calling everyone Mr. & Mrs. at my parents' insistence. But as a youth, I occasionally ran into situations where adults who were like second parents to me asked to be called by first names. My mom denied the request to them in front of me--even though they had made it clear that a first-name was what they would strongly prefer given our closeness and their dislike of titles. My mother thought that it would be more "respectful" if I used titles since I was younger. As an adult, I look back on this and while I still default to Mr. & Mrs. with some situations, it is not at all practical for today's world especially since I have co-workers who are old enough to be my parents AND grandparents and that's where most of my social interactions with people who are not of my age occur. First-name to age peers and Mr. & Ms. to them would be a little odd. (Mrs. as a marital status is generally considered inappropriate in business.)

I also feel a bit ashamed at my mother. "Respectful" is calling people what they want to be called. That's a basic courtesy.

Lastly, I lived in Sweden for a year. Everyone's on a first name basis there. I thought it was incredibly awkward to call teachers by first name after 17 years of using titles. But I got used to it. Do you traditionalists really want to make the argument that people who use first names only treat their elders with any less respect? In Sweden, it signifies equality among the people. Funny, I thought we were a democracy.

I think that if you insist someone, by virtue of their age and not their merit, should call you by a title simply because you are older, which is not any great accomplishment, I better hear you calling little ones "Miss" and "Master" and "Mr." too. What better way to engender respect by treating children with it as well? After all, children have titles as well. This is done in formal societies that use titles "Herr, Frau, Fraulein" and so forth.

I am about to be a grandparent for the first time. My friends' children always called me 'auntie' until they became adults, then called me 'Sue', which I was fine with. Now I have a dilemma because my friends children (who are now adults) don't want their children calling anyone Auntie who is a non-family member. I respect their views, but I don't want to be called 'Sue' by their children. My own grandchild will be calling me grandma, and their child will be calling me 'Sue', and to continu their logic, they will be calling my own children's grandmother, who is in her eighties - Connie! I don't quite know how to deal with this without offending anyone, but I do think I have the right not to be called 'Sue' by someone whose playmate I am definitely NOT!

Is there going to be a response to this one?

I have a pet peeve with people who encourage their children to refer to me as Mr. without asking. No one should assume that its okay for a child to use an adult's first name with or without a title preceding it unless they've been told its okay by the person in question. I've waited a long time to be old enough for a child to refer to me as Mr. , and yes, I still refer to men and women of an older generation as Mr. or Mrs. in social situations.

No child would refer to his/her classroom teacher as Mr./Mrs. or for that matter (at least I hope not), so why should I be shown less respect than that which would be afforded the teacher?

I believe that we should be teaching our children to respect adults by using Mr. and Mrs. or aunt and uncle. There is a general trend for children to have disrespect for adults today. By allowing them to use first name, unless otherwise requested, is promoting that disrespect. Because disrespect is common, it still does not make it right.
We need to go back to some old time respect for those in authority, and it could start here. It might be the beginning of fewer people in jail.