Tuesday question: So sorry your husband's in jail

I would send an e-mail that says "I saw the mention of your husband in the paper, and I just want to say I'm sorry for what your family is going through. If you want to talk about it, I'm happy to listen, and if you'd rather not, I'm happy to respect that."

Duh, wife is embarrassed about it. Don't even let on that you know unless she brings it up.

I think it depends on the nature of the arrest. If it's for something minor, reflective of a momentary lack of self-control for which he was quickly arraigned and release on recognizence or bail (such as a traffic violation, a bar fight, DUI, etc.) then I would respect the woman's privacy and pretend to not know. Chances are that something minor will be dismissed or handled with a fine, probation or a suspended sentence, all which can be managed discreetly within the family. I have a brother with a long history of such incidents and I know that my parents, siblings and I appreciate NOT hearing "hey sorry to read that 'Joe' was picked up last week, it was in the police blotter..." I would suspect that this the sort of incident that happened as it was in the police blotter and not an actual story in the paper, as a serious crime would be.

If it was for a serious crime that will involve the husband being held pending trial, the family putting up serious bail, the prospect of a trial, jail time, media coverage etc. then I would just wait until running into her in the normal course of events and offer support then.

LW here -

I was concerned that my friend would be embarrassed, which is why I wondered what, if anything, I should say or do. I didn't want to aggravate a situation that was surely already uncomfortable, and I couldn't honestly imagine what I would want my friends to do were I in that situation. I followed my instincts, and said nothing. My friend's facebook status a few days later had a vague reference to recent troubles, and I offered a supportive comment there which matched the tone of the status update. I feel OK about that.

I think you handled it well - and I generally agree with Miss Conduct that one should stick to their normal channels. Since your friend alluded to the arrest on her facebook profile, I think that you can safely broach this topic, either in private facebook message or next time you run into her. Be direct instead of fishing - "I saw it in the police blotter" instead of "saw your status - what's going on?" She may not be aware that it was printed in the police blotter.

Personally, if I was in your friend's shoes, I would prefer people say they saw it in the police blotter, rather than pretending they knew nothing. I would hate to think everyone knew and was talking about it behind my back. That would make me uncomfortable and embarrassed.

Then again, it also depends on your motive for reaching out. If you are a gossip monger who wants all the gory details, please resist the urge. If you sincerely want to provide support, then do it, if you are sure that you can maintain impartiality and prejudgment.

In a situation like this, I think it is vitally important to remember that we are all innocent until proven guilty. Her husband got arrested. That does not mean he's guilty.

Sometimes, the best gift you can give someone going through a crazy/terrible time is just to treat them normally, as if nothing has happened that changes your view of them (or their spouse) or your friendship. I've been through some pretty tough times and when people responded with upset or anger or uncertainty on my behalf, I often felt like I had to reassure THEM on top of everything else I was going through. It was exhausting to try to find something reassuring to say when it was all looking pretty bleak! I was immensely grateful for the friends who were almost hyper-normal with me and treated me as if nothing had changed, but also gave me plenty of outs and managed to let me know that they were open to anything I wanted to do or talk about, too.

This is quite a difficult balance to achieve, I realize, because you don't to appear to be an insensitive clod, but it seems that it might be the way to respond in this situation, where much is not known. It's safe to say that your friend is going through a pretty tough time and one of her fears will be that folks will avoid her and her husband because they don't know what to say or they assume the worst, so saying something and assuming nothing would mean a lot!

If the best intention of etiquette is to minimize discomfort for others in awkward situations, then I think it is in the best interest of the LW's friend for the LW to acknowledge that she knows, and offer support. Otherwise, any conversation the LW and her friend have will be so stressful for the friend, who will undoubtedly be wondering if the LW knows. It does not have to be too touchy-feely, especially if the friend isn't very close, but can be as simple as a "I heard about Bob. Please let me know if my family can support you in any way", and then a fluid, easy change of subject. Quickly relieve this pressure, and then carry on as normal (if that is what the friend needs, of course--if she indicates otherwise then it would be appropriate to lend a listening ear).

I think this things are uncomfortable for everyone regardless of what you do. Let's face it, its embarrassing to have your husband arrested, embarrassing that everyone knows and there's not much you can do to ease the situation. Not to mention that some people want to talk about these things and other don't and its hard to know who is who.

My advice would have depended on your comfort level in having these conversations and your closeness to the person, especially knowing if this is something that they would be comfortable discussing with you.

I do agree with Sarah B that sometimes saying something gets it out in the open and may put the friend at ease, at the same time, I live in a small town with this type of police blotter and let's face it, if its in there, you can rest assured that everyone knows. What you don't know is how they feel about it and I guess that may be part of the problem. I was thinking about what an earlier poster said about the nature of the crime. Some crimes seem "harmless" or "victimless", but I'm not sure they really are. No, maybe no one was killed by the drunk driver, but someone could have been and it could have been your kid. I guess what it may do is change the nature of what you say to the person.

The passive nature of email always helps in these situations. Or the old fashioned way of passively communicating--the card.

Well, I am the wife of a police captain, so I get the added bonus that sometimes my husband is the reason the person is in jail. A funny story: In my attempt to have my husband bond with my son, I asked him to chaperone a field trip. He dutifully showed up, and found his fellow chaperone to be a gentleman who he put in jail for domestic violence--for 5 years. The usual social chit-chat questions--"how are you" and "what have you been up to" didn't really work here. I asked him how it was. "Well, there were a lot of awkward silences". This is to say, I think that in most situations which involve jail time (if you aren't him) you should say, "I am sorry this happend to your family. It must be stressful and if there is anything I can do, please say so". Then, treat them as if nothing happened and take their cues if they want to talk. In fairness, my husband doesn't usually tell me about incidents if he thinks I know or may come in contact with the family unless it hits the papers. Then, if they want to bring it up, I am honestly surprised. This town is too small for any other approach. I am sure some people still avoid me though! This is why cops have BBQs only with each other.

I agree both that the communication should stay in roughly the same channels as before, and that the severity of the issue should dictate the response. If it was just a minor offense and he's not going to serve jail time, then mentioning the incident is the social equivelent to pointing out someone's dirty laundry on the washline. It's gossip. The most supportive thing you can do is to not alter your behaviour towards the person. Keep inviting them to parties. Let them know in that way that you are not judging her or her family.

If the husband will be in jail for a while or even serve prison time, then I can see offering condolences and support.

The one thing I'd suggest whether or not you mention it at all is to not ask for details from either her or anyone else. It doesn't matter how burning your curiosity, you can support her by not participating in gossip and not giving her the impression that you're trying to glean details to pass on to others. If she's comfortable talking about it, she'll broach the subject.