Response to "Granny/Grampy's a bigot"

Last Thursday, we addressed a question, written by a high-schooler, of how to respond to older relatives who make bigoted comments. I think we should begin, as I often do, with a basic acting-class question: what is your goal, your motivation? Are you trying to change their minds, or simply to live in accordance with your principles? Most commenters suggested, and I agree, that the latter path is the best one to follow. Minds and hearts change slowly, and sometimes not at all, and sometimes in response to the most unpredictable stimuli. Best to simply live the life you want to lead.

Cordelia Potter got firsties with some good common sense:

I would suggest just leaving the room. If you need to give an explanation, a polite, "I'm sorry, but this conversation is really offensive to me and I need to leave before I say something I regret" should suffice and appease your parents as well.

However, she did go on to second-guess herself in this bit, I fear:

Another time my parents brought friends of theirs to my house and these friends also proceeded to slam every ethnic group imaginable - this was more tricky - I couldn't leave since it was my own house and I was technically the host, these were older people I had never met and they were old friends of my parents. Still, I finally got tough and put an end to it in a not so nice way. In retrospect I should have probably just excused myself, saying I couldn't be a part of this conversation, and left the room.

No, you did the right thing, Cordelia, unless by "not so nice" you mean you actually said something like "Can the racist rhetoric, Grampa Simpson, we're in the 20th century now, you backwards coot." As host/ess, you are the alpha dog and it is your right and your duty to run the park as you see fit.

Ashmama had a nice response:

Here's my standard reply to people who start spouting off bigoted or otherwise offensive remarks in my presence: "I am so sorry if I gave you the impression that I'd find remarks like that acceptable. Please excuse me." To my high school-age daughter, I gave this advice when she asked the same question the LW did: You only have to satisfy your own conscience. You don't have to convince the other person that he or she is wrong. So speak your piece graciously, then excuse yourself if possible. You've done your duty as a human being.

And brought up something that the LW didn't say, which is whether or not she had her parents' backup. Whenever there is an interfamily problem, it's important for spouses to support each other, and parents to support children and vice versa. Sometimes this doesn't happen, but advance conversations should still be had before you wade into the waters of family conflict. You need to know who's on your side.

A few people suggested that as possible war veterans, and any rate as people with considerable life experience, the grandparents had earned the right to be hateful. No. Serving one's country does not earn you the right to be a bigot, any more than making a few good movies earns you the right to rape a child. Nothing ever earns you the right to hurt others, and anyone who thinks it does is a moral incompetent unfit for decent civilization. (And unfit for this blog, except for the times when I wish to shine light on the cockroaches.) As Ritan1 put it:

While your grandparents may have lived through two world wars, they have also lived through the Great Depression, the era of Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement, the Women's movement, the Gay Rights movement. They have borne witness to the visions and the assassinations of JFK, RFK and Martin Luther King. They have watched as we dismantled the racism, sexism and homophobia of the past. If they learned hatred from the wars, shouldn't they have earned tolerance (in the best sense of that word) from the rest of history? If history is the excuse, then history does not support their bigotry.

And as Ruthless said, even more succinctly:

If your grandparents fought the Germans and Japanese in WWII and still make ethnic slurs, then they obviously didn't understand what they were fighting for. Anyone who fought the Nazis and then comes home and makes ethnic slurs against other Americans clearly doesn't "get it."

An only slightly less noxious, yet more illogical, argument was put forth by JT:

Your relatives have lived life and may have very valid reasons for their feelings as long as they are not acting out violently towards others they live in a free country (or at least it use to be) and are allowed to not only have these feelings, but openly express them. Remember the most protected from of speech is that which we don't want to hear.

First Amendment Fail, hon. Free speech doesn't mean the right to be listened to. If I choose not to allow racial slurs in my home, or profanity on my blog, or the word "Bumpit" on my Facebook page,* that is not an infringement on anyone's freedom of speech because I am not the government. (You'd know it if I were.) give peas a chance shot JT down nicely:

With that logic, wouldn't the letter writer's vocalization of disagreement with his/her elders be speech they (the elders) don't want to here, therefore - protected free speech? Free speech is an important right and should never be thrown around lightly as support for bigotry, racism or hatred.

Finally, Mark W. Freeman addressed the age issue:

I am 82; my wife is nearly as old. I certainly think no one should permit persons to speak in a bigoted way in his home, and should leave other places if such people will not stop. However, I resent the smug assumption on the part of so many Miss Conduct readers that "old people" are automatically prejudiced against certain ethnic groups and "young people" are usually not. That hasn't been my experience. Nor do I think that "lawyer" jokes are on a par with "n--- jokes." The only people my wife and I are bigoted against are bigots.

Excellent!

*Perhaps one of the worst product names ever, Bumpits became famous during the Palin candidacy as a possible explanation for Ms. Palin's half-bouffant. I don't know about you, but I never read that name as it was intended--Bump It--but rather as "Bum Pit," which sounds like a product designed to make your bum smell more like your pits, or vice versa, neither of which is a terribly appealing thought.