Response to "So sorry your husband's in jail"
Two weeks ago we looked at a question from a woman whose neighbor's husband had been arrested, and who wondered how, or if, to express condolences. Not a lot of comments on this one, as the LW wrote in halfway through:
I was concerned that my friend would be embarrassed, which is why I wondered what, if anything, I should say or do. I didn't want to aggravate a situation that was surely already uncomfortable, and I couldn't honestly imagine what I would want my friends to do were I in that situation. I followed my instincts, and said nothing. My friend's facebook status a few days later had a vague reference to recent troubles, and I offered a supportive comment there which matched the tone of the status update. I feel OK about that.
That works. As we discussed in the original post, not "changing channels" of communication can help normalize things. A few other commenters brought up two additional good points: 1) there's no need to pretend you don't know if everyone in town does; and 2) for heaven's sake, don't nose around for information to satisfy your own idle (if wholly understandable!) curiosity.
JP Gal made a good point that generalizes to many situations:
Sometimes, the best gift you can give someone going through a crazy/terrible time is just to treat them normally, as if nothing has happened that changes your view of them (or their spouse) or your friendship. I've been through some pretty tough times and when people responded with upset or anger or uncertainty on my behalf, I often felt like I had to reassure THEM on top of everything else I was going through. It was exhausting to try to find something reassuring to say when it was all looking pretty bleak!
Yes, yes, a trillion times YES on not being angry/outraged/etc. on another person's behalf. I suppose this is something I am rather sensitive to right now, as there are plenty of kind folk who have expressed righteous indignation that Miss Conduct's Mind Over Manners is not on the New York Times bestseller list, nor is Miss Conduct herself on "Oprah." Dealing with the world's unfairness toward one's self is hard enough, but having to justify the unfairness to others, or comfort them, can be insult to injury.
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Who is Miss Conduct?
Robin Abrahams writes the weekly "Miss Conduct" column for The Boston Globe Magazine. Robin, who has a PhD in psychology from Boston University, has worked as a theater publicist, organizational-change communications manager, editor, stand-up comedian, and professor of psychology and English. She lives in Cambridge with her husband, Marc Abrahams, founder of the Ig Nobel Prizes, which are given annually for achievements that first make people laugh and then make them think.
I suspect when there is a family crisis that is somewhat scandalous, most people in town would "pretend" nothing was happening. But what if the neighbor is dying for a friend to talk with? What do you think about sending her a note, letting her know that you are thinking of her during this difficult time, and if she wants to talk over a cup of coffee or a cocktail, to give you a call. And if the neighbor calls and wants to talk, great. And if she doesn't, then that's great, too.
The funny thing is, the older I've gotten and the more disasters I've experienced, the more I appreciate old-fashioned cliches. Sometimes you really do need to be reminded that "tomorrow is another day" and gently teased with "don't just do something, sit there!" when there's nothing you can do. It's important not to sound condescending or clueless ("everything happens for a reason" isn't very helpful if you're the victim of a crime or have just been diagnosed with a terrible disease, for example), but the old chestnuts can still warm the hands and heart.
And thanks, Robin, for the trillions of yeses! It's a great book and even if it isn't on the NYTimes bestseller list yet, tomorrow is another day and all things come to those who wait. ; )
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