Thursday question: What is "respect for the elderly"?

I am elderly. I don't move as fast or as easily as I used to. I really appreciate young people who make allowances for my physical limitations -- yes, I like a seat on the subway, some help traversing snowbanks, the realization that my cane and I are not going to cross the street as quickly as on-coming cars might wish. But why should anyone give in to my opinions or demands for non-physical aspects of life? I never could understand how just surviving longer made me more deserving of intellectual respect. I hope I'm wiser than I once was, but on any particular subject I might be wrong, and I'd enjoy more information, a spirited discussion, and perhaps enlightenment.

I think there is a difference between senior citizens, and elderly people.

In my view, our elders can be very much like children in their capabilities: slower physically to do things like eat their dinner, walk across the room, tell a story - all the day to day functions we take for granted. I would say that showing respect would be showing them a great deal of patience so they are able to keep their dignity. Don't clear the table until they're done eating. Don't act fidgety when they take 10 minutes to walk down the block. Adjust your expectations and slow down. All of humanity deserves respect.

As far as dealing with bigotry... it's like arguing with a toddler. You can't win, so really why bother? Ignoring it to the best of your ability, or avoiding an uncomfortable situation entirely is the only logical course of action I see. I would think it would be a rare moment to actually be able to educate or change an elderly person's beliefs on a deep seeded prejudice or hatred, so why torture yourself trying if it bothers you?

I would have to say that the "respect for the elderly" term has its faults:
Why the elderly? My Mother always said "Treat everyone the way you want to be treated." This includes all people, not just old people. Everyone should be treated respectfully.

I think this phrase is put into practice in two main ways:
1. You watch what you say in front of elderly people. As in, I wouldn't swear in front of my Grandmother, or Mother, for that matter. However, I think you change your speech to suit circumstances constantly, so the elderly is just another group catered to. (classroom, work, bar, in-laws, family, friends, children, etc.)
2. You make sure they are comfortable, physically. This means, giving up your seat on the train, holding your Grandma's arm when you walk into a restaurant so she doesn't slip, getting your Grandma/Grandpa's coat/sweater/blanket for them when they are cold, getting them a cup of tea. I mean, I'm sure you would do these things for other people, too, you just usually pay a little more attention to these things when it comes to the elderly.

Honestly, though, just treat everyone the way you want to be treated. Those words are words to live by.

I agree with summa! It means you think of them and their comfort first. Is it such a tremendous burden to think of someone else for a while? It's good practice. However, I think it often gets misinterpreted just as the old, "honor thy mother and thy father". I don't think this is an invitation to allow sadists to abuse us. What it means is, honor humanity by being a good human. You honor the chain of people who got you here by living as an honorable person. You should never allow anyone to mistreat you or others without consequence. That does no honor to anyone.

I don't think that elders/'the elderly' need to be treated as a separate class of people - everyone should be treated with respect. If you're in a conversation with someone whose views are diametrically opposed to yours (or bigoted, or just loony), you need to treat them respectfully. I think that differentiating the response is more about the situation than about who it is - for example, if you are at a large family gathering, it doesn't matter if it's your 15 year old niece, your 50 year old uncle, or your 89 year old grandma, you either keep your mouth shut or leave the room. It's not the place for self-righteousness. If you're in a one on one conversation, you can try to convince them, but if it's clear that nothing will change the person's mind, you just agree to disagree and move on to another subject or end the conversation. Harping on someone is never respectful. Likewise, if you are on a crowded bus or subway and see a person of any age who looks like they could really use a seat, you offer it to them.

For me, it means listening. Not to bigoted tirades, but to the stories of people who have lived far longer than I have and who have experienced first-hand some of the events that I, as an historian, read and write about.

I deal directly with many local historical societies, few of which have anyone under 40 in their organization (and frankly, many of them would feel lucky to have someone under 60 on board). Meetings with them are not the quick, concise, professional, clipped affairs I may sometimes wish. Not only do many of the participants move more slowly, but most of them want to tell us the stories of the place, their memories of events, the reasons the historic places in town are meaningful to them. It behooves me to listen, as this is not history I will find in printed sources, and it gets to the heart of why I do what I do. I respect that I have something to learn from people who have lived much longer than I have, and that respect in turn earns me some of theirs as an "expert" in my field.

(I am in my early 30s).

Aside from the patience we owe those who may have slowed down, we also must remember that the opinions and values of the elderly were formed in a time that we can never understand.

Prejudice comes from life experence as well...the elderly person grew up in a particualr community, was brought up in a different time in history, by parents who held particular views. None of this is their "fault", and so the difference betwen the views that they hold and the views of contemporary society are likely quite different.

Rather than scolding them for their views, empathy should be extended. It's not necessary to "go along" , but a gentle reminder that " John's friend isn't like that" or " Jane's roommate is .... and she doesn't feel that way" can alleviate the pressure.

Summa! is right on and the other posters, also, but I have two things to add.
As a not very old and very spry senior I feel that seniors frequently get less respect in public than do other people, not even "the courtesy we owe others simply by virtue of the fact that they are human" as you so nicely put it. Being post-menopausal can practically cause invisibility; hmm..maybe this could be marketed to Harry Potter fans...sort of an invisibility persona. So, yes, I'd like to get that basic respect by virtue of being human and a little extra patience when my arthritic fingers are searching for coins, etc.
The second thing is a lesson well learned by having demented relatives, God Rest Their Souls, and that is to not correct or argue with them. If they think you are their Mom (gone 50 years ago), Aunt Susie, the night nurse, or whoever, just go along with it. So what if the gift you lovingly picked out is now credited to your sister (grrr), get over it.

Don't confuse respect with politeness or tolerance. There are people that I might be polite to or tolerant of because I have to for whatever reason, but I don't respect them at all.

We all have our opinions and the right the voice them (and hopefully the sense to know when to do so and when to refrain), but that doesn't mean other people have to respect or even listen to them. Just because a person is older certainly doesn't make them right.

Try to treat people as you would like to be treated, but you don't have to accept bigotry or hate speech just because someone is older. Politely tell them why you feel the way you do, and if that doesn't make them stop, ignore them, end the conversation, or walk away.

I am struggling with this within my own family. We are a very close family and spend a lot of time with my grandmother and great aunt, both in their 80s. As a single woman in my late 20s, they cannot relate to me living on my own, without a family to take care of nor a man to take care of me and they are not shy about expressing their opinions on this matter. Instead of seeing it as independent and successful, they see it almost as a lack of a worthwhile lifestyle (I’m sure this is not how it is meant, but it is how it comes off). I realize they are from a different time, a different world, and their minds still live in that place. However, it’s hard for me to constantly brush their comments off and often times I want to stick up for myself (which winds up being very sarcastic comments). I know it’s disrespectful as they are not intending to hurt me, but are just merely expressing what they think is right. But just because they are my elders does not make it OK to put me down because they don’t understand the world I’m from, meanwhile I’m supposed to excuse it because they can’t relate. Everyone should respect others…whether you are 15, 35 or 85.

To me, it means to respect the fact that these people have been on this Earth much longer than I have, and to act accordingly. This may mean listening to what they have to say before I share my thoughts. It may mean giving them a little more assistance or patience than I would afford to a stranger of my own age. It may also mean respecting their choices and ways because they are most likely tried and true, or at the very least familiar and comforting.

I've long held the belief that there is a keen difference between dignity and respect in relating to others. My fundamental belief is that every human being, regardless of age, physical or mental capability, is to be treated as having dignity by virtue of their human-ness.

On the other hand, respect is something earned. It comes from categories of both knowledge and behavior that garner regard because of the choices and/or efforts required to attain a particular status (i.e. teacher, doctor, clergy, etc.). When such knowledge or behavior is conducted in a manner that's unworthy of trust, respect is lost, even though inherent dignity is maintained. None of us is 'better' than another; perhaps, some are more fortunate or have made wiser decisions, but when the questions arises, I come back to the distinction between dignity and respect. If I am worthy of respect, I hope to receive it. I, like all others, however, am worthy of the dignity of civil treatment at the least, because I belong to the human family.

I am in my 60's, a professional woman.

Good question. I'm 63 and grew up talking back to my mother and largely ignoring her admonitions related to sloppy grooming, attire, manners etc. My father died at age 46, but in my teens and twenties my mother and I were often close, through travel, domestic chores etc. but remained quite separate due to her distaste for having spawned a long-haired hippie (although politically we were identical). By the time I was grown she had become quite set in her ways, out of touch with many of her more communicative instincts (which were, however captured in 60 years of poems) and when I settled into a less confrontational stance toward family and the world, respect for my elders meant an acceptance of who they were, and an affection that set reasonable limits on criticism or attempts to induce changes. I always felt lucky that she and her parents were basically good people, perhaps born into a world of prejudice, but who overcame it and did not pass any on to their children. But I'm sure the process was painful for them, and we were never able to talk about many of the central decisions and actions of their lives, and there was no prospect of them understanding the forces acting on my life. So respect meant some understanding, and a very discrete acceptance of them, coupled with knowledge that really communicating wasn't in the cards.

Respect has to be earned, not just given automatically because you are older. I'm with poster #9 and I don't suffer fools of any age lightly.

I think the best way to examine this is to look at cultures in which the elderly are revered like in China or Africa or Japan. The logic of it is that older people (not necessarily "elders," but elder to you) have a wealth of experience and perspective that is useful to us as a society and as individuals. Elders are our institutional memory and the keepers of the history, rituals and traditions that sustain us. In that sense, respecting your elders means respecting your community. In that context, respecting your elders means making sure that, in the rush to the new and modern, their voices are heard and their physical, social and emotional needs are taken care of.

On a day to day personal level, I think that means respecting them as you would respect anyone else, but with the added proviso that you listen to them first. It does not mean that you stand still for bigotry, but it does mean that you handle it with politeness and the same respect you are asking them to demonstrate.

I respect people that are respectful. If elderly people are not being respectful, then they don't get my respect.

Elders in our society are the Boomers now. And wow, they are a messed up bunch that have basically caused the destruction of the fabric of American society.

I can't respect greedy, selfish, ignorant, and stupid people, even if they are older.

Jsol, - if I may offer a perspective on your dilemma - I had the same problems with my family as a single woman (still do) and I know it hurts. You need to understand that it is not just a judgment or a putdown - they really do fear for your safety and future. In their experience, a woman without a husband and family is poor, unprotected and vulnerable to others. They truly do not get that you can be single and safe and prosperous. This is how I handled it. When they made the comments - I would go up to them and kiss them on the forehead and tell them "Thank you Nana.I know you love me." The first time, she was so shocked, it shut her up for two weeks. The next time, I expanded the comment adding, "Times have changed Nana. A woman can take care of herself now. You taught me how to take care of myself." Another hug and walk away.

They still occasionally make the comments, but I just smile and change the subject. But I came to find out that they were bragging of my accomplishments to their friends. You couldn't tell it from how they talk to me but they really were/are proud of me.

I very much identify with jsol. It is important to treat older individuals with the same respect one would accord to any other member of society and to give special consideration for any physical limitations. I also understand that my grandparents grew up in a very different time. However I hope that when I am in my 80s I will be a little more open minded to others view points and not cling so rigidly to the social customs of half a century previous. From the viewpoint of someone my age, I have a wonderful life, I'm in my thirties, I have been blessed with a wonderful education a successful career, my own home, amazing friends, and while I'm not in a relationship at the moment, I've dated a number of very nice men and hope to again in the future. My grandmothers on the other hand see me as a dismal failure as a woman. I'm not married and I have no children. It is at the same time mildly amusing and hurtful that they cannot see that my life has value on its own and that I can be truly happy without being someone's wife and mother.

If you don't know ("What is 'respect for the elderly"), then you don't have it.

Joe, if you can't explain ("What is 'respect for the elderly"), then you don't know it.

I always thought of the phrase not as "respect for the elderly" but as "respect for your elders." These are two very different phrases. If we're talking "the elderly," I agree with what many of the posters have said. Patience is a virtue.

If we switch it to "respect for our elders" it takes on a whole new meaning. This is something I feel like our society has virtually lost, at least "society" as I see it day-to-day. I used to be an elementary school teacher, and the students had very little respect for anything any grown-up had to say.

I don't think elders "know it all," however I do think that younger folks should respect the experiences/system of authority of older folks, as long as those older folks are not abusing their power/influence. I'm not getting into the nuance of what I really mean because I'm writing quickly without giving myself a lot of time to think about it. But I would say a balance between people acknowledging and giving appropriate respect to what has come before them, but also placing value on new teachings born out of new ideas, would be ideal.

Noah, even as a degreed and licensed engineer, I can't explain the second law of thermodynamics. But that doesn't mean I don't know that it works. By vurtue of your comment, you are showing your disrespect.

I agree with most of the posters here. I'm 42 and most of the elders in my family are gone. At times I wish there were people with more years and experience than me to ask advise about raising children, career choices, politics and other life dilemnas. I'd love to sit and have a cup of coffee with Old Marion (Poster #1). God bless her and all of you.

I think it's recognizing that society tends to overlook/ignore/diminish this group, so you should be aware of it and don't do it yourself. Just treat them like "any other person". (Because they are!)

Keep in mind that the people in their 80s today were in their 20s during WWII. You should hear my mom's friends' stories about partying in Scollay Square with all the soldiers and sailors on leave. Sounded like Sex in the City! They loved "their" music and dancing as much as we love ours.

I'm in my 50s now and I swear I do not feel any different than I did in my 20s. So, I now realize that will probably be true when I'm in my 80s, too! (Still listening to rock and roll, of course.)

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't treat the elderly like children. Listen to them. And do help them out (shoveling their steps, carrying in their groceries, etc.) when you can. I always say that if it was my mom, I would want someone to help her if I wasn't there.

I still have my parents and they are still independent in their 80's although dad doesn't drive anymore. I have the upmost respect for our elders, I was raised to be respectful of them. My parents had 10 children, raised 8 and we were all raised that way. I don't drive but do have 2 sisters who are so good to them. When I go to their house my mother won't let me do anything but visit bless her heart. She is slowing down though but still rules her roost. Wouldn't have it any other way.

As far as an elder being a bigot my dad was a real life Archie Bunker but has since mellowed in his twilight years. Sometimes he has moments when he sees things on the news that he doesn't agree with but he has mellowed to the point he only laughs.

It's called Hebrew Rehabilitation Center.

Well, he Watchful Hosemaster , if you are the product of baby boomers, then I would agree that we did a bad job. Your self-centeredness is on full display here. Baby Boomers made many mistakes but we also stopped the Vietnam War, fought for the Civil Rights, Black Power, Women's and Gay Movements. We have confronted bigotry in this country and expanded education and college access. Your blanket indictment was historically ignorant.

And BTW, if you REALLY respect people, you must respect them all including the ones you disagree with. It is no sweat respecting nice tolerant people. The real challenge (and the real point of it all) is respecting those greedy, selfish, ignorant and stupid people because if you disrespect them your become one of them.

This question is enormously complicated by the fact that not all parents are good parents or good people -- there are far too many who have done real damage to their children (and their children's partners and families) and yet expect undying loyalty and sacrifice in return. I'm sure my father-in-law is not the only elderly parent out there who is most likely to angrily demand "respect" and remind his adult children "who he is" when he is being the most abusive toward them.

In thinking about this question, it's hard to answer in a positive way, as there are thousands of ways to show respect to our elders, one of the most important of which is not assuming that all older folks are the same and want to be treated the same. For example, my mother hates it when medical professionals or retail clerks call her "Honey," but my mother-in-law loves it.

It's an easier question to answer in the negative. Showing respect does not mean that you must allow yourself (or your spouse or partner or children or religious belief or political view or food choices or chosen profession or employment status or clothing choices, etc. etc. etc.) to be ridiculed or abused, nor does it mean that you must let bigotry and prejudice go unanswered. How you respond is up to you (and commenters here have lots of good suggestions), but don't be fooled when a parent or grandparent demands respect based simply on their status. In my experience, that's often when they least deserve it.

I am in my 30's. On one hand, as I write this, I remember my grandfather, now departed for ten years, who was the kindest, most dignified, ethical paterfamilias that any family could ask for. He died at 94. Then I remember the three elderly drivers/individuals, this week alone, who almost killed my husband and destroyed my car on different occasions. I also consider the often highly biased and racist remarks that come from my relatives in their 70s, my mother included (despite all my efforts). My point? "The Greatest Generation" is not infallible. No human being, regadless of age, is infallible. I am grateful that Grandpa successfully raised me to resepct my elders and to fight for equality without ever employing a double standard. But no generation should escape the obligation to eschew stupidity, bigotry or prejudice. My intense appreciation to the young woman seeking to do the right thing and the 82 year old who spoke up against bigots respectively!

Hatred for the elderly pours forth from some of these posts as if from a burst sewer pipe. Half the comments start with the assumption that the elderly are bigoted, prone to ridicule and abuse, ignorant, and racist; the only question to be debated is how we, the one true enlightened generation, may graciously tolerate, or beneficently enlighten, these cantankerous geezers. They are small-minded prisoners of their dark times, while we modern folk, of course, see the universal and unchanging truth.

Honey, what goes around comes around. You'll be old someday, if you live that long. And when that day comes, you'll deserve everything you get.

The perceived hypocrisy of the young deserves as much respect as the perceived bigotry of the elder.

I hope I never live long enough to see myself stop becoming someone who is always looking to learn, from myself and from those around me, young and old. I hope I never live long enough to get to a point where I feel I deserve the right to be "right" just because of my age.

Look up the word respect. The etymology is "to look back". Esteem and Consideration are used in the definition. Respecting people who have "earned" respect is not relational to the question. To respect the elderly is to "look back" on their life experiences and know that their judgement and wisdom communicated are based on those experiences and should have consideration and value. We have not lived their life, just as they are not living ours. But, no life should be lived without advice, and from whom should we seek that advice? We will receive as we do. If we show how to respect others, those who we request respect from will have learned how. If we show how to care for others, those who we request care from will know how to care for us. If we show how to love others, those who we request love from will know how. If we do not respect others, care for others, or love others, we will not receive those things when needed because those who we needed it from will not know how.